Resistance is Futile

 

All you Star Trek fans out there will definitely have heard the saying 'Resistance is Futile.'  I mean when those Borg's were coming to assimilate you, you just had to give up the fight and surrender.  

I was never the type of person to easily surrender to anything.  Always on high alert due to anxiety in childhood, I had to be in control of every nano second of my life. It was my coping mechanism and it was utterly exhausting.

Fast forward at warp speed to the half century milestone that happened a year ago and I found myself reminiscing by reading old journals, only to realise that EVERY journal I'd written in over the years had a running theme. All related to food, all related to body image, all related to feeling less than, all filled with angst and anguish about when I would ever love or feel good about myself. From the age of 17 - 50 that's a whole lot of SSDY (same sh** different year) going on. 

I had a serious talk with myself after this journalistic wake up call and made a vow.  A vow to do no matter what it took to learn to love myself, to heal, to become emotionally strong, to surrender my compulsive overeating relapses and to stop hating myself. I was tired of the hell I put myself through. My friends liked me so why couldn't I ?

Little did I know the journey that vow to self would take me on and truthfully, if I had known what some of it entailed I may well have piked out before I'd even started. However, Divine Wisdom prevailed and Karen embarked on her recovery with blissful(ish) ignorance. 

To condense the intensity of my trip into pretty points here's what happened in 2013's road to recovery.  

• Got myself a spiritual Counsellor (best thing I ever did for myself in my life to date)

• Commenced on a type of healing therapy that took a lot of courage and complete trust in the process.

• In May 2013 a massive physical/health wake up call - heart issues, hospital admission and sheer terror at how out of control I was regarding my physical health and how life changes in a heart beat (pardon the pun!).  

• Battled the psychological fall out from the health trauma; panic attacks, constant fear of living/dying/health issue recurring.

• Relapsed into compulsive overeating again due to the fear I was feeling, yet not dealing with. This hiatus in my recovery journey was so painful at the time, but with hindsight I am extremely grateful to have experienced that pain as it taught me a whole lot about my emotions/eating link that needed some serious sorting out. 

• Finally, total surrender to life in the moment; giving up trying to control everything.  Resistance was futile, it made everything so much worse. I had to give in. 

I knew in my head for many years that I had to surrender to get well from addiction.  I knew that what you resist persists. I knew all the right ways to DO recovery, yet here I was at 50 still battling those diabolical addictive demons. 

My problem was I had not surrendered in my heart.  I had not truly surrendered anything. I resisted internally kicking and screaming all the way. My self will running riot with all talk and no internal action.  

Remember addiction is not a respecter of persons, occupation, age, social standing, financial situation, gender, race or belief systems. So do what you need to surrender and LIVE; resistance really is futile! 

Get Off The Scale Beautiful

Nothing could instil more dread into my soul than a weigh-in day - especially when I had slipped on my food plan or was in full blown relapse. 

Whether I was attending a Weight Watchers meeting, being weighed by my Doc or stepping on my own bathroom scales, my heart rate would start rising.  My mind would be racing, I would make copious trips to the bathroom, ensuring every last bit of liquid was squeezed out of my body before the scales got to scream that dreaded number at me.

If the number was even a fraction more than the previous weigh-in I would feel myself spiralling into a self destructive binge. Crushing disappointment, cruel condemnation and severe shame would rain down on me from the annals of my mind; my disease wreaking a storm of unimaginable proportions in an effort to knock me back into relapse. 

I know that all sounds rather dramatic, but I can assure you that my use of these adjectives is to impress upon you the frightening reality of the insanity that food addiction brings. 

When in active compulsive overeating, my scales would take on a persona, they became either my darkest enemy or my most supportive friend. If the scales said I had lost weight, then they knew what they were saying and couldn't be argued with. On the other hand if the scales said I had gained weight, every theory and excuse under the sun would be considered, from 'it's that time of the month' to 'the battery in these scales might need replaced' or 'I should have worn the same clothes'.  I have even gone as far as removing a pair of earrings to see if that made a difference to the outcome - I mean honestly, if you didn't laugh, you'd cry at that insanity.

In recovery, balance of mind and attitude is restored when it comes time to weigh-in and the scales are no longer a persona that could induce such extreme mood swings.  I am not a number and neither are you.  

I want to share with you a piece of truth written by Dr Steve Maraboli, Life Coach, Best Selling Author and Behavioural Science Academic.  Read this, absorb it into your soul and live with its truth in your heart. You deserve it. 

Get Off The Scale! You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.

Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.

It’s true; the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!

Steve Maraboli

In Sickness and In Health

One of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my recovery is to love myself in sickness(relapse) and in health (recovery).  

It took me a very long time to 'get' the importance of being kind, caring and loving to myself when in relapse, in fact it is even more essential then.  I had no idea that every crushing condemnation that spewed forth from my ego was keeping me stuck in the relapse I so begged to be set free from. 

In the sickness of relapse and active food addiction the symptoms and internal insults were horrendous and created enormous damage to my sense of self and chance of lasting recovery. 

Mentally I bombarded myself with statements like this:

You are a failure
You will never be beautiful because you are fat
How can you even think about giving up sugar, life would be so empty without it
I am ugly
I hate how I look 
EWWW look at you (while catching sight of myself in a mirror)
How can you have done this to yourself, are you stupid?
You are unintelligent
Where is your self will now, that's right you don't have any
I am too angry/afraid/anxious to deal with this
I don't want to know what makes me do this, it's too hard to even know where to start
What if I try again and fail again, I can't deal with that?
What if everyone else thinks I'm just a loser ?
What if I die fat ?

In Sickness

In Health

Physically the symptoms are a daily battle of discomfort: 

Pain in my joints
Pain in my back
Pain in my feet
Pain in my hip
Heart palpitations and issues
Sleep Apnoea 
Difficulty in tying shoes, 
Difficulty in reversing a car (because it's hard to turn around and look out the back when you are so big)
Inability to get down and up from the ground with ease
Embarrassment and worry that a chair will break under you Fear that when you try something on in a shop you will get stuck in it.  
Dread that you might have to ask for a seat belt extension on a flight
Self conscious in every circumstance, whether it be going to a swimming pool, gym, at work or out with friends

Now I am sure  there are some people out there that will find this all quite amusing and something to laugh at, but these and many more symptoms of active food addiction are terribly real and I pray that nobody ever has to deal with the incredible emotional pain that being a food addict brings. 

How did I learn to love myself?  I basically undertook a lot of self help work. I did work the 12 steps of OA/AA about 4 times, even though I don't attend meetings.  I sought counselling, had two amazing sponsors who know every nook and cranny of my brain, the way it ticks, who heard every criticism and disappointment I had in myself along with a list of so called 'sins' that I had committed in my life and guess what... they did not reject me!!!  They LOVED me through it all.  They said my honesty made them love me more.  

Realising that my own self hate was the main issue here I made a vow to myself when I turned 50 that enough was enough.  I would do absolutely whatever it took to get well.  If I had been asked to stand on my head wearing a tutu I would have!! Thankfully I wasn't asked that, but I was asked to be WILLING to fully face all my fears, resentments, anger, and self-loathing in order for healing to take place and serenity -instead of insanity - to reign in my brain.    

If I could make you 'feel' the joy and relief I experience now that I can honestly say I love myself, I would give it to you in truck loads. 

My wish/prayer is that you who are still suffering in the painful place of active compulsive eating can be given the hope that you too can be set free and live a life filled with serenity where you love yourself first.    

Get That Concept Right For You

Part of the solution to any addiction is the realisation that trying to fix this malady on our own power is a massive mistake.  Believe me I know, I tried!!  As soon as we are able to grasp the concept of a power that is greater than ourselves then things start to get better. 

Now, I am not saying anyone needs to be religious or spiritual to recover.  I am saying it's a good idea to develop a concept of a higher power that suits you.  

You might remember me writing about an old AA member called Jimmy who was an inspiration to me.  I am sure he won't mind me telling you part of his story to help you see what I mean about developing a concept that suits you.

Jimmy was - in his own words - an in the gutter, brown paper bag drunk.  He had lost everything and was a very short time away from killing himself with alcohol.  A couple of AA members took him along to a meeting and the only reason he even entertained going was that these guys had managed to stop drinking.  They had been just like him yet they were now sober. Jimmy wanted to find out how to do that.  He tells the story of being at the meeting and hearing people talking about Higher Power's, Concept of God, etc and thinking that he was doomed as he didn't believe in any of that "BS."

However, he kept focusing on the fact that these guys were still sober while he wasn't and came to the realisation that he should at least try to develop a concept of a higher power. So, Jimmy looked around the room and his eyes fell on a three barred electric fire.  He looked at that fire and thought, well, that fire can heat this room full of people.  I can't.  Okay, that's something that has more power than me!  This was the very beginning of Jimmy's development of a higher power concept that his mind could grasp.

Over the ensuing many years of sobriety and a deep connection with his higher power, Jimmy enjoyed telling that story about how if he could create a concept of a power greater than himself, then anyone could. 

For me the higher power concept was not always easy because of my religious upbringing.  I tended to see that version of God as a big scary man that had a huge finger that pointed at  you whenever you did the slightest thing wrong.  

The most freeing thing for me was being able to create my own concept of God who I choose to call lots of different names... Higher Self/Higher Power/Love/Universe/Spirit. The reason I don't have a specific name is because it is almost indescribable. I just know it's there and feels right when I connect through meditation and mindful breathing.  

I liken it to the wind.  How do I know wind exists when I actually cannot see it or physically touch it?  I can feel it on my skin, in my hair, when it is a hot wind or a cool wind.  I can see it's effect on trees swaying when it's around and the way it impacts on the environment when it rages. For me, it's the same with my concept of God/Love/Spirit/Universe. I know it exists because I can feel it, I recognise the positive effects it has on me, my recovery and my life experience and I live with a measure of serenity that grows the more I maintain that connection - all without having to touch it, see it in the physical realm or have proof of its existence.  I guess you call that Faith. 

Once you work out your concept of higher self/higher power and you develop a way of connecting to it each day, then recovery becomes easier.  It is not such a struggle. One day at a time you find yourself living the life you always dreamed of and grasped at when your self will was running riot trying to control everything.  

Surrender to that higher self/power today and watch the miracle happen!!! 

I Can't Do This For The Rest of My Life

"I can't do this for the rest of my life... I mean who on earth has to monitor their emotions, maintain a spiritual connection and be vigilant about the types of food that pass their mouth for the rest of their days?? ""Never have chocolate again ever ??? Never ever be able to indulge in the dessert menu without consequences??" 

These types of questions I have asked myself a million times. 

The feeling of despair... yes.. DESPAIR.. at not being able to eat what I want, when I want, in the amounts I want, used to send me straight into a state of rebellion; listening to all those addictive anecdotes such as.. "just have one," "eating that won't do you any harm at all," "you've done so well in your abstinence, you deserve a little something." 

Next in line to ram me into relapse would be my worst enemy - DENIAL.  I would think things like, "I can control my eating," "I can stop at one piece of chocolate," "I am not an abnormal eater," "I have a huge amount of self control in all areas of my life, therefore I can have it around food," "I am not an addict." 

Pride always comes before a fall. 

All of that insanity just because I was thinking of having to live in recovery for the rest of my life! 

The fact of the matter is all of us only have today - we are not promised tomorrow, therefore, I don't have to consider living in recovery any longer than today.  In fact even shorter if today is too long - it could be any longer than my last meal, an hour or a minute, whatever the need may be. I can do ANYTHING for a minute that would appall me for a lifetime. 

The secret to staying abstinent and in a state of recovery is to live in the present moment.  To be mindful of all those 'sweet poisons' that are whispered in your ear from your addictive voice. They are deadly lies.  To talk to another food addict in recovery - nobody understands this disease and its emotional intricacies more than a fellow sufferer. To love yourself enough to want recovery more than you want that bar of chocolate, quick sugar fix, or KFC.. whatever your poison is. 

One day at a time for the rest of your life you can kick this food addiction's proverbial and live with self love, self respect, self confidence, self acceptance and peace of mind; knowing that in your surrender and honesty you are gifted with control and a daily reprieve from the horrors of food addiction. 

I can do this for the rest of my life one moment at a time. Today, choose to do it with me.

Keeping It Real

I need to keep it real today, as yesterday and today I have had a couple of 'addictive attitudes' around food that I have eaten and drinks that I have drunk. 

1.  I bought a tub of high fat high sugar yogurt because my head has been obsessing about it.  Even though it is the same calorific value as the yogurts I eat on my food plan, the actual nutritional balance of it is not as healthy.  It was an addictive purchase. 

2.  I was agitated and had 'emotional hunger' last night.  I ended up eating popcorn, which is allowed, but it was the way I was shovelling it in my mouth that was addictive and the way my mind was behaving around the eating activity. I was irritated about having to do extra hours at work this week and yet I have been made redundant and finish up on Friday!

3.  Tonight my good friend and boss rang me and we were talking about the fact that both of us have been made redundant due to government funding cuts.  We were the PR Department.  Tomorrow is the big handover of the PR Department to the powers that be at work and after that there is a farewell do for us.  The whole process has been very badly handled and both of us are irritated, so we poured ourselves a G&T and sat on the phone consoling each other. Alcohol on a week night is not in my healthy plan. I definitely had an emotional attitude towards the drink and us going over the messy way in which the whole company has handled the redundancy just added fuel to the G&T fire. 

All of these little blots on the landscape have not impacted the amount of calories in my day as I did track them, but it has shown me that I was not mindful of the emotional feelings happening around the fact that I have been made redundant. 

I know to stop those three blots on the landscape of my day to day recovery turning into six, twelve, eighteen blots  that could lead to relapse, I need to stop it in its tracks by being absolutely honest.  So there you have it. 

With the snap of my fingers I can change my attitude and get back on track.  No time like the present for recovery!

The Yet's

Today I was at my local aquatic fitness centre doing my daily 30 minute jog in a 25 metre pool.  I have had to come up with a Plan B for exercise due to my groin injury, sore hip and lower back, so have been very grateful for pool exercises and really enjoying the way that being in the water makes me feel. There are a lot of people who use the pool for this purpose, I often see physiotherapists in there with patients, older people in there doing their exercises and younger people in there enjoying water fitness.  

Today I saw a lady in the pool who has an extremely severe case of morbid obesity. The extent of damage to her body was frightening.  I felt a deep sense of sadness at the damage this disease had so obviously wrought on her.  

I caught this lady's eye and gave her a big smile as she kept moving through the water, obviously on a mission to keep her body moving in a safe environment. I wanted to tell her 'you are beautiful, you are strong and I am immensely proud of you because I KNOW how hard it is to step into a pool not feeling good about yourself and I KNOW the courage it takes to not care what anyone else thinks."  

This amazingly strong, resilient woman comes with her granddaughter who helps her in and out of the pool.  Her body is so heavy she cannot move safely out of the water.  At the end of her exercise today she passed me while I was doing some stretches and turned round saying to me "you are doing so well!"  I thanked her and said to her.. "keep on going, don't stop doing this."

Seeing the extent of the disease in her was a stark reminder of what could happen to me if I do not practice recovery and mindful eating every day, one day at a time. It was a huge YET;  it has not happened YET thank God, but I have absolutely no doubt it could be me if I fall into relapse again, which would be a reality as this disease is progressive. It ALWAYS gets worse each time you relapse. 

I felt an unconditional love for that lady today.  I felt my heart ache for her and for me.  This disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful it can blind your eyes, numb your senses and trick you into thinking your overeating is completely normal; or that you are not as big as you are. 

Please, I beg you, never believe the diseased rationale of the compulsive mind, it is always a liar and a soul destroyer. Don't let any yet's become a reality in your life.  You deserve to live free from the physical affliction, mental obsession and soul sickness that happens in active food addiction.