I am a Story that Needs to be Told

When feeling like I do right now, the worst thing for me to do is to keep everything inside. Some people I'm sure find my openness a challenge, but for me, to be my authentic self, I need to forget who others want me to be and be true to myself.  

I am a book that needs to be read, a story that needs to be told.  I write by way of healing, to get in touch with the truth at my core.  

It's empowering and frightening to put words down that could in essence be used to judge me by those so inclined, but this is Karen's way of healing mentally and physically, so judge away people!! 

I'm feeling pretty mentally tired at the moment,  not firing on all cylinders of energy since the Friday after Christmas when I came down with a horrible stomach thing - not quite back to my full sparkly self yet, but in fairness I do have a LOT of life going on right now:  

• Starting my Divorce process after many years of separation and all the changes that will bring, plus the challenge of standing up for myself and really looking after myself throughout that process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets for me and those around me.  

• Wanting my family unit to stay a family unit regardless of everything above.  It's my biggest fear that all of the above might negatively affect our family unit.  

• Caragh's NDIS funding Plan is up for review again.  Nothing with the NDIS is set in stone and so there could be change around the level of supports she receives which is stressful to think about. I am so grateful for the level of support I currently have as it lets me live a somewhat normal existence again.  I had my angel for 2 weeks over Christmas and by the time she left for her home on 5 January I was exhausted. Apart from all the usual carer stuff that happens, I realise I never switch off from her - even when not in the same room - I am always mentally switched on and listening in.
• Stress can tip me into negative patterns of eating, not exercising, numbing the stress with overindulgence and I worry about that.    
• My terrorist brain won't shut the F*** UP!!  Every single ache, pain, spot, palpitation  has me dead and buried! These random terror thoughts come at me from nowhere - that is truly exhausting in itself.

• I am finding myself crying out of the blue for no apparent reason; I could be driving and boom the tears happen, or sitting in my haven of a backyard and the floods start to flow - I let it happen when I am not around anyone, as I believe that is also my body's way of healing what I can't articulate. 

• I don't want to lose sight of me, my needs, my health and wellness, the things I want to do with my life.  

All this negative nancy stuff got me thinking too about who I am in all my Karen Glory, so here goes with that list: 

I am Karen Anne Cecilia 

I am Mum to three sons

I am Mum to a very special daughter 

I am Mother-in-Law to my sons' beautiful wives/partner

I am a Nanna to the most beautiful grandson and soon to be precious second grandchild when he/she arrives. 

I am a Big Sister

I am Auntie Karen

I am Loyal 

I am trustworthy 

I am honest

I am a great friend 

I am a loving person - I love people!

I have a great sense of humour

I am loud at times (noooooo!!!!)

I am intelligent

I am extremely intuitive 

I am spiritual 

I am kind 

I love sparkle and bling 

I love music 

I love to laugh 

I love a party 

I love to give to others 

I love solitude 

I love silence 
I love being near water 
I love trees
I love nature

I love my own time 

I love words and how they connect with others

I am diplomatic 

I care 

I struggle 

I am a control freak!

I am stubborn (at times)

I am a panic merchant

I suffer from anxiety 

I suffer from stress 

I have a temper when pushed and when I feel misunderstood or 'cornered' 

I battle with feeling isolated

When I read back over this list, I think.. she's not bad is she .... I want to get to know her, I could be her friend, I could love her, I could be there for her, I could look out for her.  She is strong.  She is brave.  She is loveable. She is deserving.  She is fully human...

....

This is why I write - answers come, my truth is uncovered, it takes 'me' out of 'my' way.   My story is my strength and needs to be told.