I am a Story that Needs to be Told

When feeling like I do right now, the worst thing for me to do is to keep everything inside. Some people I'm sure find my openness a challenge, but for me, to be my authentic self, I need to forget who others want me to be and be true to myself.  

I am a book that needs to be read, a story that needs to be told.  I write by way of healing, to get in touch with the truth at my core.  

It's empowering and frightening to put words down that could in essence be used to judge me by those so inclined, but this is Karen's way of healing mentally and physically, so judge away people!! 

I'm feeling pretty mentally tired at the moment,  not firing on all cylinders of energy since the Friday after Christmas when I came down with a horrible stomach thing - not quite back to my full sparkly self yet, but in fairness I do have a LOT of life going on right now:  

• Starting my Divorce process after many years of separation and all the changes that will bring, plus the challenge of standing up for myself and really looking after myself throughout that process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets for me and those around me.  

• Wanting my family unit to stay a family unit regardless of everything above.  It's my biggest fear that all of the above might negatively affect our family unit.  

• Caragh's NDIS funding Plan is up for review again.  Nothing with the NDIS is set in stone and so there could be change around the level of supports she receives which is stressful to think about. I am so grateful for the level of support I currently have as it lets me live a somewhat normal existence again.  I had my angel for 2 weeks over Christmas and by the time she left for her home on 5 January I was exhausted. Apart from all the usual carer stuff that happens, I realise I never switch off from her - even when not in the same room - I am always mentally switched on and listening in.
• Stress can tip me into negative patterns of eating, not exercising, numbing the stress with overindulgence and I worry about that.    
• My terrorist brain won't shut the F*** UP!!  Every single ache, pain, spot, palpitation  has me dead and buried! These random terror thoughts come at me from nowhere - that is truly exhausting in itself.

• I am finding myself crying out of the blue for no apparent reason; I could be driving and boom the tears happen, or sitting in my haven of a backyard and the floods start to flow - I let it happen when I am not around anyone, as I believe that is also my body's way of healing what I can't articulate. 

• I don't want to lose sight of me, my needs, my health and wellness, the things I want to do with my life.  

All this negative nancy stuff got me thinking too about who I am in all my Karen Glory, so here goes with that list: 

I am Karen Anne Cecilia 

I am Mum to three sons

I am Mum to a very special daughter 

I am Mother-in-Law to my sons' beautiful wives/partner

I am a Nanna to the most beautiful grandson and soon to be precious second grandchild when he/she arrives. 

I am a Big Sister

I am Auntie Karen

I am Loyal 

I am trustworthy 

I am honest

I am a great friend 

I am a loving person - I love people!

I have a great sense of humour

I am loud at times (noooooo!!!!)

I am intelligent

I am extremely intuitive 

I am spiritual 

I am kind 

I love sparkle and bling 

I love music 

I love to laugh 

I love a party 

I love to give to others 

I love solitude 

I love silence 
I love being near water 
I love trees
I love nature

I love my own time 

I love words and how they connect with others

I am diplomatic 

I care 

I struggle 

I am a control freak!

I am stubborn (at times)

I am a panic merchant

I suffer from anxiety 

I suffer from stress 

I have a temper when pushed and when I feel misunderstood or 'cornered' 

I battle with feeling isolated

When I read back over this list, I think.. she's not bad is she .... I want to get to know her, I could be her friend, I could love her, I could be there for her, I could look out for her.  She is strong.  She is brave.  She is loveable. She is deserving.  She is fully human...

....

This is why I write - answers come, my truth is uncovered, it takes 'me' out of 'my' way.   My story is my strength and needs to be told.   

Losing Control

I've realised that not only am I a recovering food addict, but I am also a recovering control freak!!  

I don't know about you, but the thought of being out of control of anything in my life used to fill me with utter dread.

If my beds were not made properly, cushions not sitting nice and pretty on the couch, or when driving without a plan for my exact route, I would suffer intense anxiety, verging on panic or feel like a total failure. 

Back when all that anxiety neurosis was at its peak in my life, the only way I knew how to cope or get relief from all those negative emotions was to eat something sweet, which of course set the compulsive eating ball well and truly rolling... out of control!

It never ceases to amaze me that my craving for control was unable to help in my overeating.  Addiction in all its forms is extremely powerful and no amount of intelligence, thinking or planning ever stopped the progression of my compulsive overeating.  

The only thing that has EVER stopped that fatal progression was total surrender.  

Giving up all control.  Not trying. Only listening to those who walked the walk.  Getting totally and utterly honest with myself about all the ways in which I tried to control not having to surrender.  Not needing to know why?? all the time. Not hating myself.  Facing my fears and doing it anyway.  

The last 18 months of my journey have been all about that type of surrender.  Let me tell you it was pretty ugly at times, but it was needed to break through the stubborn, fear filled and addictive thinking that I was entrenched in. 

Please don't think for a minute I am anywhere close to being totally surrendered at all times, I think that only comes when we take our last breath, but today I am willing to do what needs to be done in this moment to remain in a state of recovery. 

It's such an oxymoron that we need to lose control to gain control, but truly that is exactly what happens.  When I no longer had the food/calorie/exercise gremlins fighting in my head trying to control everything,  my eating became balanced, my thinking around food normalised and I found a way of eating that worked for me.  

So, my fellow food addicts and control freaks, I hope this resonates with those of you who may be fighting the losing control battle with your food right now - do yourself a favour and surrender this fight - it will be the beginning of a healthier, happier future, free from active food addiction and the need to control the minutiae of your life.  

This Too Shall Pass

You can be fairly certain when I've gone quiet on my blog that something's going down in my life.  I have been pondering what life has thrown at me lately and the impact it has had on each aspect of my recovery journey. 

Recovery from Food Addiction - as with any addiction - needs a three pronged approach to ensure a strong, stable recovery: physical (dealing with the substance of addiction and the damage it causes on a physical level); emotional/mental (recognising the effect on your thought processes, mood and temper) and spiritual (developing your own belief system, as well as nurturing your personal contact with a Higher Power of your choice, surrendering to what is in each moment). 

So what's going down? Well, while I am revelling in my home alone time, my higher self has seen fit to 'invite' me to face unresolved demons that I've managed to avoid/deny through my years of busyness.  It has been made very clear to me there are two main areas in my recovery journey that need further, urgent attention.

Physically, this last 6 months has seen a marked increase in the osteoarthritis I have in my right hip, along with inflammation throughout different areas of my body. Unfortunately I am going to have to have a hip replacement as I am in constant pain and stiffness, finding it increasingly difficult to walk unaided, especially on days where the inflammation in my system flares up. 

Having been an avid gym member and exerciser to now, at times, need the support of my friends to walk, or to reach for pieces of furniture around my home to support me, has been difficult to say the least.  I have had to accept what is and realise that while I am in a bit of physical trouble, I can change to Plan B and work where I am with what I have and am still attending private yoga sessions twice a week and pool walking.  Digging deep to find the will to keep going is not easy when in constant pain of physical turmoil, but the alternative is unthinkable. 

As you can imagine, this situation has been excruciatingly confronting, entirely humbling and brought me kicking and screaming (literally) to a deep point of surrender that I did not know existed.

The strange thing is that as far as my food plan is concerned in all of this, things have been the most balanced they have ever been and I am losing weight. Pain is a wonderful teacher that has certainly brought me to complete surrender.  Never ignore your body's communication as eventually it will stop you in your tracks to make sure you listen!

The second area of my recovery that needed attention was of an emotional/mental nature and all to do with the bogeyman of my life - Fear.  I realised that a lot of what I did, or did not do, was still driven by an almost imperceptible level of fear.

Being able to be still most days enabled my subconscious to bring these fears to the surface, shedding the light of day on deeply entrenched fearful attitudes that needed healing. 

Needless to say this shift going on in my life has demanded reflection, retreat and release.  By default this has deepened my conscious contact with my Higher Power through meditation, reading, listening and ensuring self care. 

In sharing this with you, I wanted to highlight that even in life's hard yards, recovery from addiction is still achievable.  Recovery does not have to be pretty or easy or smooth sailing for it to be classed as strong recovery.  In fact, in my humble opinion, surviving the rough patches of life abstinent/sober/drug free is a clear indication of the strength of your recovery journey.

Just remember, if life for you is difficult at this point in time - keep on keeping on, one day at a time, surrendering to each moment, because this too shall pass.

Boundaries Baby!

Being a bit of a rebel at heart I used to balk at boundaries - even those I set myself!  I resisted so much internally - to my detriment. Being that wee bit older now (and hopefully wiser), my perspective has come full circle in massive favour of boundary setting. I learned there are very good reasons to do so in the bigger picture of my life, the relationships I have and the positive effect in managing my emotional eating response. 

Part of the trouble I had created for myself was not setting personal boundaries around the way I allowed others to treat me, manipulate me, put me down, or 'use' me because I was such a people pleaser. Saying "No" or standing up for myself was just not something I practiced in support of myself back then.

  

 

Today, trusting my gut instinct, listening to my inner alarm bell clanging or the instant 'WTF' reaction,  are all indicators from my inner self that a personal boundary has well and truly been crossed. It is a wonderful thing to become aware of those breaches as it indicates a centred presence and high level of self care and respect. 

Fine tuning those indicators is so important, as is trusting them, because many times the people breaking the boundaries are those closest to you; you find yourself questioning whether it was your imagination, or whether you are too sensitive, or justifying wrong behaviour - after all 'they really just care, that's why they say things like that' - NONSENSE!!! 

Nine times out of ten, alarm bell ringing behaviours are totally inappropriate. Unfortunately the perpetrators are not at a level of personal growth and awareness to know that their tactlessness and comments are inappropriate or downright offensive.  

In the past when I allowed or enabled those types of negative situations it would inevitably end up with me binge eating a whole bunch of sweet stuff to soothe the discomfort I felt and basically adding to the mistreatment of myself.  I had to learn how to stand up for myself and love myself enough in order to put a stop to the negativity I'd previously enabled. 

Below are some examples of personal boundaries crossed and the type of response I have today, which is not food centred:

• Ever so slightly negative comments/judgements about the way you live your life and your personal circumstances.  
• This is my life to live and mine alone. I am aware enough to know that having an opinion about how others live their lives is absolutely none of my business. Keeping my opinions to myself, focusing on my own life and being the best person I can be is the kindest, most caring and respectful way I can treat myself in this circumstance.   

• Veiled or direct put downs of certain friends/people in your life.
• I enjoy a variety of friends. I understand that not all my friends are going to be friends with each other, however,  I won't stand for negative talk from one friend about another. If that proves too difficult, then I remove myself from the put down path of the person negatively commenting. I wont be manipulated by gossip or lies.  I choose today to only surround myself with people who have my highest good in mind. 

• Passive aggressive comments about the kind of help you receive, be it from doctors, teachers, psychologists, counsellors or friends e.g. "Are you sure that is the best kind of help you are receiving.. after all they are not x, y, z or as good as a, b or c." - "I think you should do this or that"  "You would be best to do it my way because..." 
• When I seek help for myself in any way shape or form, I do a load of research and I choose the best fit for me. It might not be your choice, or what you think I should do, but that is not my concern. Gone are the days of me swaying my opinion to please everyone else except myself! 

• The caring/smiling assassin - you know the kind I mean! 
• These people are dangerous.  They are the kind of people who will draw you in with their feigned care and half listening ear, only to end up gossiping about you or using what you've shared against you.  Today I keep well away from that type of person, thankfully my radar is so fine tuned I can spot them a mile off! 

• Tactless comments about your body, weight, clothes or the way you look.
• This one always amazes me.  All I can say to those who think it is okay to do this - ask yourself the following question.  "Is what I am about to say something I would like to be said to myself?"  "What is my intent in the comment I am about to make?" "Is all you see when you are with me the size of my body?" Think, people THINK. I truly believe that people who have an issue with my eating disorder and how it plays out in my life have personal issues they should be focusing on instead of my big sexy butt!!  My counsellor advised that when these types of comments are made, it highlights the state of 'emotional rot' within the person making them and all I need to do is have compassion for their mental/emotional sickness. Which is exactly what I do.  

• Controlling comments about the food you eat and how much you eat, or trying to control what you eat.. all in the name of 'supporting you' and 'caring'.
• Let me explain something.  You CANNOT fix a food addict this way, or any way for that matter. Let me make this easy for you -  It is absolutely not your responsibility. Commenting to a food addict about the food they eat, the portion size, the next best diet, the suggestions of ways in which they control their weight is NOT supportive and is NOT caring - it is you being controlling.  Food addicts know more than normal eaters will ever know about nutrition, diet types, portion size, exercise or bariatric surgical interventions. They are experts!! It is a physical affliction with a mental obsession - they know ALL there is to know about this disease they suffer from. They have gone through every single scenario in their head thousands of times.  Can I ask you how you would like to have your every eating moment scrutinised by those around you?   Not pleasant, not appropriate and none of your business!! 

• Negative comments about your belief system
• Having a belief system is a precious gift that I am eternally grateful for.  There are many people in this world who choose not to have a belief system, which is their right to do so. However, when people feel they have the right to ridicule your beliefs at the same time as refusing to listen to your opinion, yet you have to listen to theirs, or they cannot respect your right to your opinion, then you know you're dealing with someone who is full of fear and completely closed off to living a whole life. Never dull your light, or change your way of being in order to appease and comfort someone who does not respect your right to your own beliefs. I personally don't care if you believe in unicorns and rainbows - it's your right and if it is not harming anyone else - I celebrate your right to be you, believing in what you want.

Recovery from food addiction is an ongoing process that goes deeper as time passes.  There has to be a three pronged approach to getting well.  Physical, emotional and spiritual. The most important, in my opinion, is the inner healing and spiritual growth; without them there is no sustainability in physical recovery - I certainly found that out.  Having to go through all of the above, learning to love me first, to stand up for myself before anyone else, is building an unshakeable foundation that leads me to physical recovery as a matter of course. 

Make sure in your recovery journey you get real; be self accepting, self loving, self supporting and set those boundaries - that way your Recovery won't be derailed by negative life circumstances and will be sustainable one moment at a time. 

A Litany of Love

   
Being able to be nice about myself was so difficult throughout my life as I always had the feeling that I was a bit of a failure and never quite good enough.  As a result I frequently adapted my opinions, words and behaviours around family/friends/colleagues for fear of being rejected, ridiculed or, god forbid, offending someone. I avoided being Karen. 

As a child and teenager the fear that drove my thoughts, emotions and opinions of myself was the most corrosive spiritual abuse I could have inflicted on myself.  Listening to 'that voice' made me feel ashamed of who I was and the truth is 'that voice' still echoed in my thinking and emotional responses as an adult.  

It has taken this last year for me to completely recognise the self loathing behaviours I was still exhibiting.  I was the one that was rejecting and ridiculing myself.  I wouldn't blame you for thinking how devastatingly sad that is, but in truth it is not at all devastatingly sad, it has been the best 'Ah Ha' moment of my life!  

They say the truth sets you free and for me, while I am still on a journey of healing, I can honestly say being brave enough to face the truth of my hidden self loathing has set me free enough to say I like Karen!  In fact, I love Karen!!! 

When you love someone there comes a joyful responsibility to ensure the person is treated well, cared for, protected, shown how important they are and made to feel good.  I had to learn to do that for myself even though it left me cringing and emotionally uncomfortable to do so.  

I learned to speak up about my needs.  I learned not to allow my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing to be compromised by anyone or anything. I learned to put myself first. I have a very good radar for when I am being manipulated, or when I am being treated in a passive aggressive manner.  When those things happen, I remove myself from the situation.  I no longer tolerate toxicity in my life. I deserve so much more!  

I choose to no longer worry about anyone else's opinion of me, what they think of my life philosophy, my spiritual belief system or the way I live my life, because this is my life to live, not theirs. I deserve to have love and respect for and from myself, as well as have the same shown to me by those who are a part of my life.  Do you know how good it is to speak that from the depths of my soul and not feel agitated that someone is going to get upset?  Self worth rocks!!!

I did this little exercise in one of my journals, a list of things I love about Karen - please note, before I get any 'OMG she's got tickets on herself' reactions to this list, it is an exercise in self love and care that I should have learned a lot earlier in my life: 

Karen's Litany of Love 

I love myself for all the good I bring to the world

I love myself for working so hard to be a better person

I love myself for all the gifts I bring 

I love myself for the things I have gotten right

I love myself for there is only one person in the world like me

I love myself for the courage and confidence it takes to do my inner work

I love myself for all the ways I take care of myself

I love my smile

I love my sense of humour

I love my body

I am proud of all that I have achieved to date

I accept myself unconditionally

My light shines in the darkest places

I am spiritual and proud of it

I am blessed

I am beautiful

I am classy

I am kind

I am loving

I am loveable

I am warm

I am giving

I am able

I am strong

Do you have a litany of love about yourself?  

As I said in yesterday's post,  everything happens for a reason and my journey to this point in my life has been about realising how perfectly okay I actually am!!  I hope that you too can get to this point and feel the relief it is to actually love and accept yourself in totality.