A Litany of Love

   
Being able to be nice about myself was so difficult throughout my life as I always had the feeling that I was a bit of a failure and never quite good enough.  As a result I frequently adapted my opinions, words and behaviours around family/friends/colleagues for fear of being rejected, ridiculed or, god forbid, offending someone. I avoided being Karen. 

As a child and teenager the fear that drove my thoughts, emotions and opinions of myself was the most corrosive spiritual abuse I could have inflicted on myself.  Listening to 'that voice' made me feel ashamed of who I was and the truth is 'that voice' still echoed in my thinking and emotional responses as an adult.  

It has taken this last year for me to completely recognise the self loathing behaviours I was still exhibiting.  I was the one that was rejecting and ridiculing myself.  I wouldn't blame you for thinking how devastatingly sad that is, but in truth it is not at all devastatingly sad, it has been the best 'Ah Ha' moment of my life!  

They say the truth sets you free and for me, while I am still on a journey of healing, I can honestly say being brave enough to face the truth of my hidden self loathing has set me free enough to say I like Karen!  In fact, I love Karen!!! 

When you love someone there comes a joyful responsibility to ensure the person is treated well, cared for, protected, shown how important they are and made to feel good.  I had to learn to do that for myself even though it left me cringing and emotionally uncomfortable to do so.  

I learned to speak up about my needs.  I learned not to allow my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing to be compromised by anyone or anything. I learned to put myself first. I have a very good radar for when I am being manipulated, or when I am being treated in a passive aggressive manner.  When those things happen, I remove myself from the situation.  I no longer tolerate toxicity in my life. I deserve so much more!  

I choose to no longer worry about anyone else's opinion of me, what they think of my life philosophy, my spiritual belief system or the way I live my life, because this is my life to live, not theirs. I deserve to have love and respect for and from myself, as well as have the same shown to me by those who are a part of my life.  Do you know how good it is to speak that from the depths of my soul and not feel agitated that someone is going to get upset?  Self worth rocks!!!

I did this little exercise in one of my journals, a list of things I love about Karen - please note, before I get any 'OMG she's got tickets on herself' reactions to this list, it is an exercise in self love and care that I should have learned a lot earlier in my life: 

Karen's Litany of Love 

I love myself for all the good I bring to the world

I love myself for working so hard to be a better person

I love myself for all the gifts I bring 

I love myself for the things I have gotten right

I love myself for there is only one person in the world like me

I love myself for the courage and confidence it takes to do my inner work

I love myself for all the ways I take care of myself

I love my smile

I love my sense of humour

I love my body

I am proud of all that I have achieved to date

I accept myself unconditionally

My light shines in the darkest places

I am spiritual and proud of it

I am blessed

I am beautiful

I am classy

I am kind

I am loving

I am loveable

I am warm

I am giving

I am able

I am strong

Do you have a litany of love about yourself?  

As I said in yesterday's post,  everything happens for a reason and my journey to this point in my life has been about realising how perfectly okay I actually am!!  I hope that you too can get to this point and feel the relief it is to actually love and accept yourself in totality.