If I was losing weight, I felt worthy, I felt good about myself, I felt accepted by others. I felt happy!
If I didn't lose weight, or ate something I deemed unacceptable, I felt a failure, gutted inside, panic stricken at the thought of that one bite of 'bad food' making me gain weight.
Giving that much power to food is crazy. Using food for any other reason than nutrition to my body and enjoying the social aspect of a meal with family or friends is crazy. Eating because I am sad, tired, feeling sick, excited, happy, or to reward myself for a job well done is insane!
That is the insanity of a food addict's thought processes around food/weight/exercise. It is such a tiring state of mind to live with. To be constantly critiquing every morsel of food, every calorie, every bit of exercise you do or don't do. To mentally rip yourself to shreds and treat yourself with such scathing self loathing because you failed yet again to reach your goal weight. "I mean for God's sake, how old are you - you should know by now?? How hard can it be?? Just don't eat the food that triggers you, just follow a diet, it's not hard. Why are you so weak ?? You are pathetic, remember how good it felt when you lost weight before??" On and on and on and on it goes. Utterly soul destroying.
Thankfully there can be recovery from such a debilitating condition as food addiction.
I have been around recovery programmes off and on for many years, experiencing relapse and different levels of recovery, yet there was always something holding me back from fully surrendering to what recovery means for me. Hence this latest setback.
Recently facing myself with brutal self honesty meant that I simply could not hold back any longer. I had to surrender. I had to get real. Life has a way of bringing you to the brink - and that's where I've been this last year, on the brink. It was excruciating. It was terrifying and it was absolutely liberating.
I'm grateful to share that with the support of my counsellor and ever deepening faith in my Higher Power, I am in a TOTALLY different mindset about myself and the disease of food addiction in me.
I am also very grateful for the foundation of the 12 step programme of recovery which I base my recovery on along with a deepening spiritual practice of meditation and yoga. I had no idea how far I was from the centre and true essence of myself until I surrendered and trusted the process of getting to know and love the real Karen.
I accept myself - warts and all. You might have a problem with my weight or how I look. Today I don't. Why would I not accept myself as I am at this point in time? I celebrate who I am and think I look fabulous no matter what size I am. It makes me smile from the depths of me that I can say that today and mean it.
Of course I will continue to be mindful of my health, my heart, back and hip which are sore, and yes I will do what is needed for my physical recovery. Just know that for each individual who has suffered with food addiction, the way in which you attain physical recovery will be unique to you. You will know what food plan/exercise plan to follow because as you surrender, it will feel the most natural thing in the world for you to do.
I hope today that you get to experience some relief from the insanity of food addiction and take one moment at a time to step in the right direction of recovery. You really are worth it.
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