Losing Control

I've realised that not only am I a recovering food addict, but I am also a recovering control freak!!  

I don't know about you, but the thought of being out of control of anything in my life used to fill me with utter dread.

If my beds were not made properly, cushions not sitting nice and pretty on the couch, or when driving without a plan for my exact route, I would suffer intense anxiety, verging on panic or feel like a total failure. 

Back when all that anxiety neurosis was at its peak in my life, the only way I knew how to cope or get relief from all those negative emotions was to eat something sweet, which of course set the compulsive eating ball well and truly rolling... out of control!

It never ceases to amaze me that my craving for control was unable to help in my overeating.  Addiction in all its forms is extremely powerful and no amount of intelligence, thinking or planning ever stopped the progression of my compulsive overeating.  

The only thing that has EVER stopped that fatal progression was total surrender.  

Giving up all control.  Not trying. Only listening to those who walked the walk.  Getting totally and utterly honest with myself about all the ways in which I tried to control not having to surrender.  Not needing to know why?? all the time. Not hating myself.  Facing my fears and doing it anyway.  

The last 18 months of my journey have been all about that type of surrender.  Let me tell you it was pretty ugly at times, but it was needed to break through the stubborn, fear filled and addictive thinking that I was entrenched in. 

Please don't think for a minute I am anywhere close to being totally surrendered at all times, I think that only comes when we take our last breath, but today I am willing to do what needs to be done in this moment to remain in a state of recovery. 

It's such an oxymoron that we need to lose control to gain control, but truly that is exactly what happens.  When I no longer had the food/calorie/exercise gremlins fighting in my head trying to control everything,  my eating became balanced, my thinking around food normalised and I found a way of eating that worked for me.  

So, my fellow food addicts and control freaks, I hope this resonates with those of you who may be fighting the losing control battle with your food right now - do yourself a favour and surrender this fight - it will be the beginning of a healthier, happier future, free from active food addiction and the need to control the minutiae of your life.