When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.