I went to see the movie A Star is Born a couple of weeks ago and since then have listened to the soundtrack on many occasions - it's just brilliant! One track in particular that I keep listening to and which resonates deeply with me is
'Maybe it's Time.'
'Maybe it's Time.'
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
It takes a lot to change a man
Hell, it takes a lot to try
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
Some folks just believe in the things they've heard
And the things they read
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from
I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good
But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here
You know I would, you know I would
Nobody speaks to God these days
Nobody speaks to God these days
I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways
Nobody speaks to God these days
When I was a child they tried to fool me
Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real
Well, I've seen hell in Reno
And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel
Spinnin' still
The whole song, for me, depicts the emotional, mental and physical journey of an addict. No matter what that addiction is, there is always an internal quandary going on, questioning whether letting go of the old to make way for the new is going to help.
Addiction will always want the upper hand, to gain control, so when it senses you're at the point of total surrender, it will up the quandary ante until you end up going over things in your head ad infinitum, not knowing where to start.
In the throes of addiction, a relapsed state, or coming out of that relapsed state, there is a lot of fear involved, a lot of shame, a lot of questioning everything you've ever read or been told with regard to your situation and, personally, because I know all there is to know about diet/exercise/nutrition/health/12step programs/what I should and should not eat/what way of eating works best and what does not, it has led me to a point of .. what does it matter what I need to learn now, whatever it is I have to surrender - again - to an even deeper level.
Addiction is an insidious demon that will only be quieted one moment at a time while in a state of awareness. When something/someone is described as Insidious it means they/it is "working or spreading harm in a subtle or stealthy manner; awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous; harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent." Webster Dictionary.
There is no better description of the manner in which addiction works than this definition.
Addiction is extremely patient and hoodwinks us into thinking we are in recovery, that we can manage our addiction, or we can just have that one bite/drink/drug. We are fooled into thinking because we can control our eating/drinking/drug taking to some level and our lives are not falling down around us that somehow we are in control - not addicts.
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is not a respecter of intelligence, status in the community or religious/spiritual background. It is a destroyer of lives, families and communities and there are many levels .. just because you are not the homeless drunk on the streets, 700 pounds overweight with a failing heart, or continuing to work while using drugs, does not mean that you are not an addict. It just means you have not got to that low point YET. It will happen at some stage (remember how patient Addiction is) unless there is a total surrender to a power greater than yourself - whatever that power may be.
I've been brought to the stage of truly wanting to let the old ways die; to stop the obsessive thinking and surrender, to do the next right thing for myself and my recovery without any expectations as to what that will look like. I hope too for my fellow sufferers of addiction of any kind and at any level, that you too can be brought to the point of surrender which lets the old ways die, where you strike up a conversation with 'God' and try to live one moment at a time, free from the insidious disease of addiction.
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