I've Lost My Mojo

I’ve lost my Mojo. 

This past 10 months has been one of the strangest, saddest, emotionally complex times of my life - and believe me I have been emotionally complex all my life!    I endured anxiety from a young age and panic attacks that were extremely intense from the age of 7-27. The panic attacks thankfully stopped and a lot of counselling, CBT,  self-help/spiritual books, support groups and 12-step work brought a plethora of recovery my way.  

You all know from this blog that I have battled with food for many years - with periods of recovery and then relapse.  While food is a life-giving source for all of us, it is also my daily nemesis.  I have periods where I think/feel/believe I’ve got this addictive behaviour around food under some level of manageability and life feels hopeful, comfortable, peaceful and emotionally calm.  Then the insidious creep begins and I’m left wondering what preceded that slippery slope - thinking I don’t really get why it’s happening again and what on earth else can I do to make all of the above recovery work/therapy/self-help stick once and for all.  

The problem I’m facing today is that I am exhausted by the years of ‘trying’ - the ups and downs, the insanity of being back in the position of having gained weight and I have no Mojo to get started doing anything about it.  

The deep down quiet voice in me is saying - go to the gym, start your yoga again, track your food, cut down on the wine you’re drinking, walk every day.  Remember how good and positive your mind and body felt when you did that. 

Then the loud noisy voice speaks up saying, what’s the point ??! What’s the point when you always end up back at the beginning, having to start over again. You don’t have the energy to do that. 

Do you know how hard it is to lose weight when your body is middle-aged, you’ve been a yo-yo/serial dieter forever, your metabolism is slower than a wet week in jail and your body gains 3 kgs overnight - even after sensible meal choices?  

I feel sooooo DONE; with trying, with every day thinking about what I should and shouldn’t eat, with crucifying myself, with feeling ashamed that all the work people have put into helping me get well has been undone again - and yes I realise that’s my ego keeping me stuck - yes I know every diet/exercise plan out there, but today I have no desire or energy to go down this recovery road yet again. 

Is it my overactive brain trying to keep me from feeling my feelings? Am I using food for comfort and security again ? Or, am I just plain giving up and accepting that I am a person who can’t keep weight off and this is who I am? Love myself this way regardless of the fact I feel uncomfortable and have sore joints and am putting my heart health at risk?? I mean I am an intelligent woman - I know the risks of early death due to overeating and lack of exercise.  What am I doing to myself?

Life happenings of the last 10 months have been hard.  Mum passing away suddenly rocked my world in a way I would never have expected.  Life at home is going to change - that stage of downsizing and sorting out finances and living arrangements has now come and of course there’s also the constant  working/thinking/planning for my darling daughter who needs never-ending support and care to live in this world.  Life is life - we all have one with ‘stuff’ in it.  Do I need to overeat/sabotage my physical/mental health because of it, or am I just tired of trying ?? 

I don’t know what the outcome of any of this is going to be. I feel that I’m possibly in mindless self-sabotage mode and don’t care due to lack of mental energy to deal with it.  

The positives in my life are many; my family, friends, work, dog and the list goes on - I have a lot to be thankful for and I am grateful ...  I do not feel unhappy or sad all the time but moments like this morning come out of the blue ... sitting listening to the radio, musing on last night’s Proclaimers' concert and the tears came, then these words came - at least I honoured the call to write it all down and share.  I know this in itself is a positive step.  

Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.  

Discovering More in Recovery

I've been a bit quiet on my beloved blog this past couple of weeks, not because I don't want to write, or because I have nothing to say, but because I am reflecting deeply on certain aspects of my journey.

I'm constantly learning on this incredible road and some of the 'stuff' that I am being taught is not particularly easy to digest; hence the reason I have taken time out to absorb what is going on around me. 

One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is to put myself first, to stand up for myself and what I believe in - and to feel okay about doing just that.  

In the past, part of my disease made me a people pleaser.  I would say yes when I meant no, I would put up with passive aggressive behaviour from people, making excuses for them and why they were treating me in a negative manner.  I used to get super anxious if I had to speak up for what was right as it might make someone dislike me! (can you believe that about me!  I love seeing how far I've come)  

I know I didn't come across as that 'scaredy cat' in my life, but there was a part of me that found all of the right behaviours around valuing myself very difficult to carry out. 

All that's been happening lately is the last bastions of ego/fear around those types of issues are rising in my consciousness, presenting themselves in such a way that I am being challenged to deal with them: decisions I have to make for my own highest good in life, health and relationships - with no fear of what another thinks and without falling into compulsive overeating to cope. 

In being true to myself, changes have certainly occurred: in the way I am eating today, the choices I make around food have undoubtedly changed for the all round betterment of my health;  in my social life, the best behaviours regarding eating out and alcohol consumption have and are changing massively i.e. overindulging in any way, shape or form is entirely detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual growth; in the way I am having to reassess my old compulsive exercise patterns - accepting I have to follow exercise plan B takes a lot for me because I was an absolute gym junkie - learning to exercise for my age and my circumstance has been a huge pill to swallow;  in my relationships and friendships changes have also occurred for my highest good; if a friendship/relationship is not authentic and truly beneficial for me in an emotional/spiritual way, I find they naturally fall away or the dynamics change, or I just take a step back for my own good.  All peaceful and drama free ways of being true to myself. 

Discovering more about myself, my emotions, deepening my spirituality and being committed to change in order to continue to grow and better myself, are all byproducts of surrendering my life and will to the care of my Higher Power in my recovery journey.  

It is a wonderful, challenging, tiring at times, exciting road to be on - even after all these years. I choose today to be on my journey 110 percent, doing all that is asked of me.  There is a great saying in AA that one bad day in recovery is far better than any good day in active addiction.   I can attest to that this day - as challenging and mucky as some of the recovery journey can get, I would far rather go through that than continuously be in the situation of compulsively overeating myself into an early grave.  

Choose to discover your truth. Live in recovery today. It's definitely a life worth living one day at a time.    

Maybe it's Time

I went to see the movie A Star is Born a couple of weeks ago and since then have listened to the soundtrack on many occasions - it's just brilliant!  One track in particular that I keep listening to and which resonates deeply with me is 
'Maybe it's Time.' 

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change a man

Hell, it takes a lot to try

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Some folks just believe in the things they've heard

And the things they read

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from

I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good

But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here

You know I would, you know I would

Nobody speaks to God these days

Nobody speaks to God these days

I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways

Nobody speaks to God these days

When I was a child they tried to fool me

Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real

Well, I've seen hell in Reno

And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel

Spinnin' still

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change your plans

Hella drain to change your mind

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Oh, maybe it's time to let the old ways die

The whole song, for me,  depicts the emotional, mental and physical journey of an addict.  No matter what that addiction is, there is always an internal quandary going on, questioning whether letting go of the old to make way for the new is going to help. 

Addiction will always want the upper hand, to gain control, so when it senses you're at the point of total surrender, it will up the quandary ante until you end up going over things in your head ad infinitum, not knowing where to start.   

In the throes of addiction, a relapsed state, or coming out of that relapsed state,  there is a lot of fear involved, a lot of shame, a lot of questioning everything you've ever read or been told with regard to your situation and, personally,  because I know all there is to know about diet/exercise/nutrition/health/12step programs/what I should and should not eat/what way of eating works best and what does not,  it has led me to a point of .. what does it matter what I need to learn now, whatever it is I have to surrender - again - to an even deeper level.  

Addiction is an insidious demon that will only be quieted one moment at a time while in a state of awareness. When something/someone is described as Insidious it means they/it is "working or spreading harm in a subtle or stealthy manner; awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous; harmful but enticing.  Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent."   Webster Dictionary.  

There is no better description of the manner in which addiction works than this definition. 

Addiction is extremely patient and hoodwinks us into thinking we are in recovery, that we can manage our addiction, or we can just have that one bite/drink/drug.  We are fooled into thinking because we can control our eating/drinking/drug taking to some level and our lives are not falling down around us that somehow we are in control - not addicts. 

This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It is not a respecter of intelligence, status in the community or religious/spiritual background.  It is a destroyer of lives, families and communities and there are many levels .. just because you are not the homeless drunk on the streets, 700 pounds overweight with a failing heart, or continuing to work while using drugs, does not mean that you are not an addict.  It just means you have not got to that low point YET.  It will happen at some stage (remember how patient Addiction is) unless there is a total surrender to a power greater than yourself - whatever that power may be.  

I've been brought to the stage of truly wanting to let the old ways die; to stop the obsessive thinking and surrender, to do the next right thing for myself and my recovery without any expectations as to what that will look like.  I hope too for my fellow sufferers of addiction of any kind and at any level, that you too can be brought to the point of surrender which lets the old ways die, where you strike up a conversation with 'God' and try to live one moment at a time, free from the insidious disease of addiction.     

When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.

This Too Shall Pass

You can be fairly certain when I've gone quiet on my blog that something's going down in my life.  I have been pondering what life has thrown at me lately and the impact it has had on each aspect of my recovery journey. 

Recovery from Food Addiction - as with any addiction - needs a three pronged approach to ensure a strong, stable recovery: physical (dealing with the substance of addiction and the damage it causes on a physical level); emotional/mental (recognising the effect on your thought processes, mood and temper) and spiritual (developing your own belief system, as well as nurturing your personal contact with a Higher Power of your choice, surrendering to what is in each moment). 

So what's going down? Well, while I am revelling in my home alone time, my higher self has seen fit to 'invite' me to face unresolved demons that I've managed to avoid/deny through my years of busyness.  It has been made very clear to me there are two main areas in my recovery journey that need further, urgent attention.

Physically, this last 6 months has seen a marked increase in the osteoarthritis I have in my right hip, along with inflammation throughout different areas of my body. Unfortunately I am going to have to have a hip replacement as I am in constant pain and stiffness, finding it increasingly difficult to walk unaided, especially on days where the inflammation in my system flares up. 

Having been an avid gym member and exerciser to now, at times, need the support of my friends to walk, or to reach for pieces of furniture around my home to support me, has been difficult to say the least.  I have had to accept what is and realise that while I am in a bit of physical trouble, I can change to Plan B and work where I am with what I have and am still attending private yoga sessions twice a week and pool walking.  Digging deep to find the will to keep going is not easy when in constant pain of physical turmoil, but the alternative is unthinkable. 

As you can imagine, this situation has been excruciatingly confronting, entirely humbling and brought me kicking and screaming (literally) to a deep point of surrender that I did not know existed.

The strange thing is that as far as my food plan is concerned in all of this, things have been the most balanced they have ever been and I am losing weight. Pain is a wonderful teacher that has certainly brought me to complete surrender.  Never ignore your body's communication as eventually it will stop you in your tracks to make sure you listen!

The second area of my recovery that needed attention was of an emotional/mental nature and all to do with the bogeyman of my life - Fear.  I realised that a lot of what I did, or did not do, was still driven by an almost imperceptible level of fear.

Being able to be still most days enabled my subconscious to bring these fears to the surface, shedding the light of day on deeply entrenched fearful attitudes that needed healing. 

Needless to say this shift going on in my life has demanded reflection, retreat and release.  By default this has deepened my conscious contact with my Higher Power through meditation, reading, listening and ensuring self care. 

In sharing this with you, I wanted to highlight that even in life's hard yards, recovery from addiction is still achievable.  Recovery does not have to be pretty or easy or smooth sailing for it to be classed as strong recovery.  In fact, in my humble opinion, surviving the rough patches of life abstinent/sober/drug free is a clear indication of the strength of your recovery journey.

Just remember, if life for you is difficult at this point in time - keep on keeping on, one day at a time, surrendering to each moment, because this too shall pass.

The Smiling Assassin

When on the road to recovery from active addiction, we are oftentimes challenged by the myriad of relationships we encounter in our lives and can sometimes feel at a loss as to how to deal with them, without turning to food!  Today I want to share on how best to deal with the passive aggressive personality disorder,  how to recognise it and how to keep your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery in tact. 

The psychology of personality and behavioural disorders has always fascinated me: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its cyclical patterns that are extremely difficult to handle if on the receiving end within an NPD relationship; Anxiety Neurosis (a behavioural disorder) that can be overcome with cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling and spiritual healing - which I myself can attest to, having suffered in the past; and Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder which will only get better when the person recognises their own anger/resentment/jealousy and psychological pain, then work towards healing their inner angst. 

The latter of these has really sparked my interest over the past few months in particular because I have found myself subjected to this type of behaviour.  While it is disconcerting, I am very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to deal with these situations as it has given me hands on real life practice for when I begin to offer holistic counselling to others on conclusion of my studies. 

The types of behaviours exhibited by passive aggressive people can vary but in general they tend to be very subtle, underhand and can leave you with a feeling of confusion e.g. you might realise, after the fact, that veiled criticisms or digs have happened within a seemingly innocent conversation and you're left thinking - "what was that all about ??" 

Passive aggressiveness is associated with a particular psychological personality disorder stemming from years of perceived under-appreciation and bitterness, a character flaw brought on by a person's inability to deal with their own bitterness, anger, or resentment in an assertive manner, thus, displaying a more passive form of hostility.

There are many ways in which PA can present, e.g. deliberate procrastination, intentional mistakes, resentment of the demands of others, complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation, hostile attitudes and disguising criticism with compliments. 

The excerpt below from an article in Psychology Today outlines the havoc created and destructive nature of passive aggressive behaviours:

"In the short term, passive aggressive behaviours can be more convenient than confrontation and generally require less skill than assertiveness. They allow a person to exact revenge from behind the safety of plausible excuses and to sit on the sofa all weekend long rather than complete a list of undesirable chores. So, what’s not to love? Truth be told, while momentarily satisfying or briefly convenient, in the long run, passive aggressive behaviour is even more destructive to interpersonal relationships than aggression. Over time, virtually all relationships with a person who is passive aggressive become confusing, destructive and dysfunctional."

Having the tools to handle negative situations within relationships when they occur is of paramount importance to a compulsive overeater - we tend to blindly eat over negative emotions and before we know it we are on the slippery slope to relapse. 

Maintaining our spiritual connection with our Higher Power and surrendering the need to fix or control the circumstance, will ensure that we don't fall into emotional binge eating or stuffing our faces due to the discomfort of resentment.

Always be mindful that there are smiling assassins in this world, trust your gut instinct if you find yourself in situations where you feel something is not quite right.   Being consciously aware will allow you to see the person's fractured mental health state and therefore help you to avoid being offended or falling into resentment yourself. 

Personal boundaries are essential in dealing with people with personality disorders, so avoid the toxic behaviours, remove yourself from situations whereby you could be a target for aggression and always maintain your dignity. 

Our recovery has to be number one over every scenario that life throws at us.  Dealing with people with personality disorders is commonplace and all we can do to maintain serenity and balance in our own lives is keep our side of the street clean, love ourselves first and not allow destructive psychological behaviour to interfere with our recovery path.