I've Lost My Mojo

I’ve lost my Mojo. 

This past 10 months has been one of the strangest, saddest, emotionally complex times of my life - and believe me I have been emotionally complex all my life!    I endured anxiety from a young age and panic attacks that were extremely intense from the age of 7-27. The panic attacks thankfully stopped and a lot of counselling, CBT,  self-help/spiritual books, support groups and 12-step work brought a plethora of recovery my way.  

You all know from this blog that I have battled with food for many years - with periods of recovery and then relapse.  While food is a life-giving source for all of us, it is also my daily nemesis.  I have periods where I think/feel/believe I’ve got this addictive behaviour around food under some level of manageability and life feels hopeful, comfortable, peaceful and emotionally calm.  Then the insidious creep begins and I’m left wondering what preceded that slippery slope - thinking I don’t really get why it’s happening again and what on earth else can I do to make all of the above recovery work/therapy/self-help stick once and for all.  

The problem I’m facing today is that I am exhausted by the years of ‘trying’ - the ups and downs, the insanity of being back in the position of having gained weight and I have no Mojo to get started doing anything about it.  

The deep down quiet voice in me is saying - go to the gym, start your yoga again, track your food, cut down on the wine you’re drinking, walk every day.  Remember how good and positive your mind and body felt when you did that. 

Then the loud noisy voice speaks up saying, what’s the point ??! What’s the point when you always end up back at the beginning, having to start over again. You don’t have the energy to do that. 

Do you know how hard it is to lose weight when your body is middle-aged, you’ve been a yo-yo/serial dieter forever, your metabolism is slower than a wet week in jail and your body gains 3 kgs overnight - even after sensible meal choices?  

I feel sooooo DONE; with trying, with every day thinking about what I should and shouldn’t eat, with crucifying myself, with feeling ashamed that all the work people have put into helping me get well has been undone again - and yes I realise that’s my ego keeping me stuck - yes I know every diet/exercise plan out there, but today I have no desire or energy to go down this recovery road yet again. 

Is it my overactive brain trying to keep me from feeling my feelings? Am I using food for comfort and security again ? Or, am I just plain giving up and accepting that I am a person who can’t keep weight off and this is who I am? Love myself this way regardless of the fact I feel uncomfortable and have sore joints and am putting my heart health at risk?? I mean I am an intelligent woman - I know the risks of early death due to overeating and lack of exercise.  What am I doing to myself?

Life happenings of the last 10 months have been hard.  Mum passing away suddenly rocked my world in a way I would never have expected.  Life at home is going to change - that stage of downsizing and sorting out finances and living arrangements has now come and of course there’s also the constant  working/thinking/planning for my darling daughter who needs never-ending support and care to live in this world.  Life is life - we all have one with ‘stuff’ in it.  Do I need to overeat/sabotage my physical/mental health because of it, or am I just tired of trying ?? 

I don’t know what the outcome of any of this is going to be. I feel that I’m possibly in mindless self-sabotage mode and don’t care due to lack of mental energy to deal with it.  

The positives in my life are many; my family, friends, work, dog and the list goes on - I have a lot to be thankful for and I am grateful ...  I do not feel unhappy or sad all the time but moments like this morning come out of the blue ... sitting listening to the radio, musing on last night’s Proclaimers' concert and the tears came, then these words came - at least I honoured the call to write it all down and share.  I know this in itself is a positive step.  

Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.