In Sickness and In Health

One of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my recovery is to love myself in sickness(relapse) and in health (recovery).  

It took me a very long time to 'get' the importance of being kind, caring and loving to myself when in relapse, in fact it is even more essential then.  I had no idea that every crushing condemnation that spewed forth from my ego was keeping me stuck in the relapse I so begged to be set free from. 

In the sickness of relapse and active food addiction the symptoms and internal insults were horrendous and created enormous damage to my sense of self and chance of lasting recovery. 

Mentally I bombarded myself with statements like this:

You are a failure
You will never be beautiful because you are fat
How can you even think about giving up sugar, life would be so empty without it
I am ugly
I hate how I look 
EWWW look at you (while catching sight of myself in a mirror)
How can you have done this to yourself, are you stupid?
You are unintelligent
Where is your self will now, that's right you don't have any
I am too angry/afraid/anxious to deal with this
I don't want to know what makes me do this, it's too hard to even know where to start
What if I try again and fail again, I can't deal with that?
What if everyone else thinks I'm just a loser ?
What if I die fat ?

In Sickness

In Health

Physically the symptoms are a daily battle of discomfort: 

Pain in my joints
Pain in my back
Pain in my feet
Pain in my hip
Heart palpitations and issues
Sleep Apnoea 
Difficulty in tying shoes, 
Difficulty in reversing a car (because it's hard to turn around and look out the back when you are so big)
Inability to get down and up from the ground with ease
Embarrassment and worry that a chair will break under you Fear that when you try something on in a shop you will get stuck in it.  
Dread that you might have to ask for a seat belt extension on a flight
Self conscious in every circumstance, whether it be going to a swimming pool, gym, at work or out with friends

Now I am sure  there are some people out there that will find this all quite amusing and something to laugh at, but these and many more symptoms of active food addiction are terribly real and I pray that nobody ever has to deal with the incredible emotional pain that being a food addict brings. 

How did I learn to love myself?  I basically undertook a lot of self help work. I did work the 12 steps of OA/AA about 4 times, even though I don't attend meetings.  I sought counselling, had two amazing sponsors who know every nook and cranny of my brain, the way it ticks, who heard every criticism and disappointment I had in myself along with a list of so called 'sins' that I had committed in my life and guess what... they did not reject me!!!  They LOVED me through it all.  They said my honesty made them love me more.  

Realising that my own self hate was the main issue here I made a vow to myself when I turned 50 that enough was enough.  I would do absolutely whatever it took to get well.  If I had been asked to stand on my head wearing a tutu I would have!! Thankfully I wasn't asked that, but I was asked to be WILLING to fully face all my fears, resentments, anger, and self-loathing in order for healing to take place and serenity -instead of insanity - to reign in my brain.    

If I could make you 'feel' the joy and relief I experience now that I can honestly say I love myself, I would give it to you in truck loads. 

My wish/prayer is that you who are still suffering in the painful place of active compulsive eating can be given the hope that you too can be set free and live a life filled with serenity where you love yourself first.