Do you know about this eating disorder?

You will no doubt have heard about Bulimia nervosa and Anorexia nervosa extensively in the Media. However, I am guessing that you may not have heard as extensively about Compulsive overeating.

It seems to me that Anorexia and Bulimia are considered to be an illness yet Compulsive overeating is misunderstood and often thought by others to be a weakness of character. 

I am here to clear up a few of those misperceptions about the disease of Compulsive Overeating - the type of eating disorder I have.

Signs and Symptoms of Compulsive Overeating: 

• Feeling of loss of control

The loss of control you feel when in the grip of a compulsive overeating episode is totally terrifying. Your sane/sensible mind and self talk will not make one iota of difference. When the addiction is active, your normal thought processes are completely ignored.  Even begging yourself not to do this does not work. Your level of intelligence, amount of money earned, your standing in the community, the number of houses you own, cars you drive or shoes you buy - does not matter!  There is a feeling of complete and utter spiralling out of control, where the desire to binge/overeat is like an infernal itch that must be scratched with no relief unless you scratch until you bleed (or eat as this case may be).

• Eating much more rapidly

For me, I would describe this as vacuuming the food down.   It did not even touch the sides of my mouth, or the back of my throat.  The food just gets shovelled in until you feel better (numb is the word).  As a kid I was always the first to finish Easter Eggs, Christmas Selection Boxes - basically any sweeties/lollies.  I was not like my siblings who could control how much they ate and keep some of their choccies for the week after Christmas/Easter.  I was compelled to keep eating until it was gone and I would even sneak bits of theirs after my supply was eaten up.  I was not an overweight child, nor an overweight teenager, or young adult, but I had this disease and it is a progressive one.  It also causes body dysmorphia, so over time with more frequent episodes of compulsive eating and horrendous self talk: I'm fat, I'm huge, I'm a failure, I can't control this, I must be flawed... the barrage of negativity was endless and my prophecy about myself was fulfilled. 

• Eating alone

Overeating alone is a sure sign that the disease is active. I used to love it when nobody was home because I was free to eat what I liked without anyone seeing, or judging.  I used to buy addictive foodstuffs and hide some of it, because I realised that I had just bought too much at the store.  Of course in true food addict style, I thought if nobody sees it, then it's not happening.  Denial is a very sad state of mind to be in.  

• Feelings of guilt

The guilt is torturous.  I mean it is right there sneering at you the SECOND the last mouthful of a binge has been swallowed.  Your spirit is totally crushed.  You feel complete self-loathing.  You feel utterly disgusting and a worthless human being because.. "for godsake its just food.. what is WRONG with you. .. surely you can control that.. " "Oh my God what will I weigh in the morning after eating all that.. ok I won't go on the scales, I will just exercise instead.  I HAVE to get rid of these calories... " 

All of that self-talk and more is carried on with a feeling of absolute terror and anxiety in the pit of your stomach.  It really is a hellish state to be in. 

• Preoccupation with body weight

I have had an absolute preoccupation with my body weight since I was a young teenager weighing only 56 kgs. When I put on 1kg I would absolutely panic that I was getting fat.  A compulsive overeater will get on the scales hundreds of times a day to check if anything has changed, or if there is a gain, or once she's been to the bathroom, or after exercise.  If there is not a persistent loss when trying to lose weight, the devastation felt is intense. 

• Depression or mood swings

In the past I used to suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder along with this eating disorder.  I did not realise until I was in my twenties that I actually had an eating disorder and when I woke up to the fact I was 'high as a kite' feeling all empowered and thinking I have this thing licked! Then the reality hit that addiction never sleeps, never really leaves, it is only relieved one day at a time and that only happens if you do the right things to maintain your clean eating, seek counselling for the mental obsession and develop a spiritual connection.  Realising the amount of hard work, self awareness/development and healing needed, used to send me into a depressed, poor me, I'll never be able to do this, victim mood swing.  Up and down the moods would go, depending on how my eating, weight loss and sense of self was at the time.  

• Rapid weight gain

My rapid weight gain happened from my late thirties to my mid forties and I have battled to get that under control for the past 10 years. I was at my heaviest when I was living in Qatar.  That was also the time my life was a mess, my marriage was a mess and I was in a very unhappy place. Of course when a food addict is unhappy, they eat.  Not only did I eat, I added alcohol to the mix and partied my pain away for 7 years; 7 years of self destruction.

• Significantly decreased mobility due to weight gain

This has happened to me in the past 2 years because I relapsed slightly again and was exercising like a mad woman to keep the weight gain under control.  As a result I developed osteo arthritis in my knees and right hip.  The pain of arthritis when you are 40 kgs overweight is excruciating.  Every step grinds bones together that don't have a lot of cartilage protecting them anymore and the ensuing muscle contractions around the bones make movement very limited. I had to stop going to the gym.  I started to gain more weight.  And so the cycle continued.  Time to get REAL and deal with this addiction head on.  That's what this blogging is all about. Keeping me honest with myself, keeping me accountable and please God helping others see what they can avoid if they just get real very early on in their addiction. 

• Withdrawal from activities because binge eating

I have actually not done this.  I am guessing because I did have times when I was alone and it fulfilled my secret binge eating urge. 

• History of many different unsuccessful diets

This made me laugh when I read this point because I have done so many diets, so many times and yes I have had success, but I fell off the wagon and gained weight again.  

Here goes with Karen's list of diets tried:

Scarsdale Diet

Cabbage Soup Diet

Grapefruit Diet

Scottish Slimmers

Weight Watchers

Lo Carb

Low Carb High Fat

Atkins

Dukan

Calorie Controlled

Personal Trainer food plan 

I have tried all of these many different times throughout my life.  A very wise friend once said to me, "Any diet will work if you do it properly." That is so true.  The problem with a food addict is they try to do those diets THEIR way.  They manipulate and amend those diets so they can add in a bit here, put in that thing they like there - all the time not surrendering the control of their eating to anyone or any diet.  To do so would make an active food addict feel anxious and out of control. 

Today I am abstinent and eating clean, healthy food.  I am losing weight and have surrendered the WHOLE process to my higher self/power/God/Universe - whatever you want to call it. I can never ever take this state of abstinence for granted.  I have relapsed far too many times in my life and I do not have another relapse in me.  I do believe if I go down the path of gaining weight again that it will kill me. I keep myself honest, have a great support network and when I do get the 'this is too hard' or 'I am hungry' feelings, I connect with someone who understands and ask myself questions about what I am feeling.  One day at a time I am recovering. 
I am very grateful for that. 


I wrote the poem below back in 2008 which sums up the mental torture of being relapsed and in a compulsive state around food. 

My Disease

Exhausted Drained
Emotions Wrought
Feelings Avoided
Intensely Fought

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Tear Drenched
Consumed Thoughts
Control Lacking
Sanity Lost

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Sick Thinking
Fear of Feeling
Self Will Rioting
Isolation Seeking

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Compulsive Consuming
Mindless Mastication
Soul Sacrifice
Momentary Gratification

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

My Disease.

My hope is that this post helps anyone out there who is still wondering whether they have this type of eating disorder. I hope it helps clarify that Compulsive overeating is an illness - not a weakness of character.  

However, there is hope of recovery from this condition - I know from personal experience that it works and will continue to work on a daily basis, if I do the leg work.  


Email me at karen.140@gmail.com if you have any questions regarding Compulsive Overeating. I am only too happy to share and help where I can. 

This could be next if I don't act today.