Twelve Steps, Twelve Promises (A long one!)

One of the things I love about the many types of addiction recovery programmes out there is the philosophy behind the solution.  All are built on the 12 step philosophy which was originally created by an evangelical christian group back in the day, but which over the years was adapted (and rightly so) to include every person regardless of their belief system. 

I don't attend any 12 step recovery programme meetings, not because I think they are not a great support and means of recovering from addiction, but because I think that what is one person's path is not necessarily another person's path - and I do not limit my higher power's help to just 12 step meetings.  

That being said, I do believe that I have to connect with others who understand addiction and share my story.  I do believe that my recovery from food addiction is based on the tenets of the 12 step philosophy and if there was a meeting that was available to me at a time to suit me I would not be averse to attending now and then - part of recovery is sharing your journey and what has worked for you. (Hence this blog!!)

I am going to share with you the 12 steps and the 12 promises in recovery that I personally have experienced over the years. 

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless - that our lives had become unmanageable. 

I had to admit to powerlessness around food because no amount of dieting, food plans, willpower ever stopped me from using food to numb the emotional turmoil I was feeling. How unmanageable  was my life??  I was committing slow suicide at more than 50 kgs overweight with the certainty of getting bigger!!

Promise 1. We are going to know a new freedom and new happiness.

All I can say is admitting and finally truly accepting the fact of my addictive personality was the most freeing moment in my life. I honestly felt a deep seated happiness and freedom at accepting myself just the way I am - addiction and all!!

Step 2.  Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Initially I had an issue with the power greater than myself and the insanity part of this step.  I reasoned that while I struggled with my weight and eating, I was not actually insane.  But over the years of active disease that progressed and my behaviour actually became insane. I found myself behaving in ways that were dangerous to me physically, mentally and spiritually.  Even recognising that didn't stop my addictive ways.  That really was insane!!  As for the power greater than myself, I had so many issues around God and Jesus etc because of the Catholic upbringing I had.  I did not truly believe God was all loving and kind. Over the years I realised my faith and concept of God is mine and mine alone. My belief system has to work for me, not against me. Today I do believe in a power greater than myself who might not work in the same way as yours and that is okay. 

Promise 2.  We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

I can honestly say I am truly grateful for every minute of my past, my pain, my insanity and my addiction.  I feel no guilt or shame because I realise everything that happened was part of my journey. It has all brought me to this point of understanding and instilled in me a deep desire to help others.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God as we understand Him/Her/It. 

There is one word that you need to pay attention to in this step and that is the word 'decision.' It was all that was required of me to take step 3.  I only had to make a decision. By this stage I was ready to do as I was guided so deciding to let go control of my food and addictive behaviours was easy.  I surrendered!

Promise 3. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. 

How true that promise is. Now I am not saying that every single second of my life is serene and peaceful ..... yet. I am a work in progress!

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

Sounds scary, but it really isn't.  I have done this step a few times now and the first time was by far the biggest.  You just make a list of all people, places and things that you feel resentful towards, then write what they/it did to you, what it affected in you and finally write what was a better way to handle the situation.  There is a template that can be followed when doing this step which I found extremely helpful in making me focus on what it actually affected in me, e.g. self esteem, insecurity, etc. 

Promise 4. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

Absolute truth.  Every single thing I have gone through, every negative behaviour I have displayed, bad attitude I have had and superior judgement I have made has enabled me to share my insights, with better, kinder and healthier ways of treating others and myself. 

Step 5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Are you shaking in your shoes and running for the deep dark forest to hide yet??  Tell another person all the bad **ish about me???? NO WAY!  Yes way.. and see once you do that, the word freedom does not cut it.. absolute joy, absolute love, absolute power and absolute peace of mind.  Now, a little disclaimer here: Don't share all your stuff with just anybody, it must be someone who understands addiction, understands you, cares about your soul, cares about you enough to want you to learn to love yourself - warts and all. There are 3 people in my life that I have done this step with.  The love and acceptance I felt was life changing.  In my head I thought, well if they can love me after hearing all that, I need to start loving myself! 

Promise 5.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. 

Oh Yeah Baby!!!!!

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

All you have to do for this step is be ready to change.  Be ready to allow the miracle to happen. Be ready to surrender old ways of acting/reacting.  Be ready to know a new way of living without food addiction running the show. 

Promise 6. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

How beautifully true this is.  Once I processed all that was going on with me, how addiction works, how recovery works, my deepest desire was to stop another person from ever having to go through all I went through. I want other food addicts to feel as good as I do right now in recovery. 

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

This step is basically asking your higher power to help you behave in ways that are beneficial to your recovery, joy and happiness in life.  Of course there will always be times when we slip into old ways and habits, but having awareness is key to maintaining recovery from addiction while remaining open to being a better version of yourself every day.

Promise 7.  Self seeking will slip away.

My focus changed and continues to change from being on poor me, to how can I help another in the same situation as me. 

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

The first time I did this it was a challenge because I still didn't get what forgiveness was all about and so felt justified in my resentments.  Of course all I was being asked to do was make a list.  So I made the list.  Some of those amends did not get made until years later.  By the way amends can be made in many ways: not just the actual saying sorry, but you can change your attitude, change your behaviour, change your thinking and change the way you treat a person. 

Promise 8. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes to get better from the hell of living with active addiction, believe me this promise is the truth. 

Step 9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

This is a really important step.  Even if it takes you years to make direct amends, being willing to do so and then able to is such a beautiful thing.  The disclaimer here 'except when to do so would injure them or others' is also of paramount importance. e.g. if telling a person about a negative behaviour they don't know you participated in would cause them more hurt - the best way to make amends is to show you are sorry by the example of living your best life for the highest good of yourself and those around you, not shocking them with some major confession that could potentially cause them great pain. 

Promise 9.  Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. 

Once you've made amends directly, your fear of rejection, of 'being found out', or of negative judgement from others disappears, because you have honoured your own soul by shining the light of honesty and openness onto the darkness of your long held unforgiveness and resentments.  There is nothing anyone can say, do, think or judge you for that has any power over you anymore.  You just set yourself free.  

Steps 10, 11 and 12 are the daily maintenance steps of recovery and the promises that go along with each of these steps are exactly what I am experiencing in my life right now. 

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (I check my attitude all the time now and know exactly when I am slipping into poor me mode.)

Promise 10. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. (Bali plane rides is all I can say about this promise folks - read my previous blog post!!)

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him/Her/It, praying only for knowledge of our higher power's will for us and the power to carry that out.  (My daily meditation practice) 

Promise 11.  We will suddenly realise that our Higher Power is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (What can I say, I have never been able to stick to anything for any length of time when it comes to food plans etc.. 7 months in and counting ..)

Step 12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (My blog, my future work)

Promise 12. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us.. sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialise if we work for them. (Recovery works if you work it) 

That's all folks!!! 

The Fear Factor

Hey everyone, it's been a while! Not for any other reason than I was on holiday, and since my return over a week ago from the beautiful paradise island of Bali, life has been a bit hectic to say the least.  

I have so many wonderful things I want to share with you; insights and confirmation of all that I am experiencing on my recovery journey.  A knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

There have been no major emotional dramas, life is good and I have just been enjoying the latest time of respite. A time where all that was required of me was rest, relaxation and reading. Being totally in the moment of 'not having to do anything' - which in my every day life is not always easy to achieve.

In this reflection space I was able to see a few areas of personal growth. I was able to watch myself in situations that in the past would have sent me into a state of panic, high anxiety and fear - and the inevitable binge eating in order to to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. 

On the flights to and from Bali we experienced 'unexpected weather conditions,' which meant seat belts all the way and two very bumpy plane rides. 

I immediately experienced the familiar disgusting feelings that come when flailing in the 'F' word; heart racing, dry mouth, stomach in knots, hands sweating, mind tumbling over itself with fear thoughts, gripping onto myself so as not to lose it and make a fool of myself. 

However, this time something very different happened while I was experiencing all that nastiness.  

Underneath the physical and mental drama going on in my mind and body, there was an unfamiliar stillness. A calm quiet voice saying: "Look at the fear Karen, look at it and don't be afraid of it.  Fear is just a feeling. Feel it, watch it, experience it and realise it's actually doing you no harm right now." 

This took me completely by surprise. The fact that I was able to listen to reason in that situation was incredible! Obviously the mindful breathing and spiritual practice that I love to do so much was actually paying off. It was working for my highest good.  What in the past would have resulted in a catastrophic panic attack, followed by a compulsive eating binge, was now managed at a deeper level than that of my busy brain. 

I know it sounds crazy to say I felt centred and calm while experiencing the habitual flight or fight response, but I did - and the more I listened to the voice of recovery, the less intense the fear became.   

This awareness is like a light switching on in a dark room and taking away the imagined 'bogeyman.' 

I am very grateful for this personal growth in an area that has been a huge battle of mine since I was a child.  Fear was the bogeyman I was terrified of for many years. Compulsive overeating was my coping mechanism in dealing with the feelings of fear.  

Don't be stuck in that quagmire of eating over your fearful emotions. Surrender each moment/feeling to your higher power and allow yourself to look that bogeyman directly in the eye. As with any bully, he backs down into nothingness when faced with the strength of your higher self. 

FEAR = Face Everything and Recover!

Emotional Messiness

Sometimes the recovery journey feels really messy and the only way out of it is through it.  There is nothing 'nice' or 'happy' about this head space.  It feels like an emotional roller coaster of, anger, sadness, loneliness, tiredness, frustration and a whole lot of other adjectives that we use to describe our emotions. Yet, there is not one thing that I can attribute to this state of being at this point in time. 

In Caragh's childhood and early teenage years, her body always let me know when things were not right with her.  In fact I could predict when she was coming down with a tummy bug, or a cold, or an ear infection, because in the couple of weeks prior to her getting sick her dystonia would play up; her face would pull to one side, her little torso would flick, her legs would not coordinate, she would be drooling an awful lot more than was usual and she would have little 'time outs'.  As sure as the sun rises she would come down with some childhood illness after displaying those symptoms. The positive in all of that was I was able to intervene by doing as much as I could to keep her well and hopefully minimise the effects of her sickness. 

I can see that I too experience much the same indicators with my emotions and my body.  In the past couple of weeks there have been definite pointers that something not quite right is going on with me emotionally.  I have been slipping with my food, I have been obsessing about calories and exercise, I have been slipping with my meditation time, as well as times of slipping into negative thinking and the 'poor me's'. 

This emotional messiness encroaches on my serenity, my peace of mind and my joy and let me tell you that grabs my attention. While I wish I'd recognised those alarm bells a couple of weeks ago, it is at least a good thing that I am seeing things more clearly today.  I need to be very aware   when my body, mind and spirit try to get my attention in this manner, or there is the very real chance of total relapse. 

For a lasting daily recovery from this threefold disease of food addiction it is essential that I take care of myself on a physical, emotional and spiritual level and the following are non-negotiable, must-do's when I am feeling like this:

I need to share how I am feeling to another human being who 'gets' this disease
I need to get honest about my feelings
I need to feel the feelings
I need to sit with myself quietly and listen to what my gut instinct is telling me 
I need to surrender my food choices every moment if need be
I need to maintain my spiritual connection with my higher power
I need to always be authentic and do only what is right for my highest good

Times like this show me that this disease of addiction is always sitting, quietly waiting to pounce into action when I least expect it and is why I have to maintain my spiritual connection on a daily basis in order to prevent things sliding out of control.  

It's great to write when things are all hunky dory and plain sailing, but really the honest guts of my recovery is shining the light into that dark hole of my soul that at times still cries out to be filled with food. Bringing that hidden 'stuff' out of hiding is paramount to my abstinence from compulsive eating, my peace of mind and my happiness, and the only way forward is "bloody f***ing through it" as my Yoga teacher so succinctly puts it! 

Food is a Good Thing

It can be really difficult for a Food Addict to get into the mindset of thinking of food as a good thing.  

It seems that all our battles and problems come from food and we certainly developed the habit of attributing food as being good or bad, giving food a power over us that it cannot possibly have. 

I have to eat for my body's nutrition, for optimal function, for energy, for health and healing.  Without food I will surely die. So how do I reconcile my addictive issues with food if I cannot actually just put it down and stop eating? 

For me the way forward in recovery from compulsive overeating came when I recognised the following as true:

• It was ME that was overeating, not the food that was doing it to me
• I had lost the ability to know what real hunger felt like
• I was not actually hungry when I was overeating
• Food was not my problem, it was my solution
• I would eat to 'feel good' 
• I would eat to numb emotional pain.  My instinctive 'go to' response to emotions was the fridge, the pantry or the shops for high sugar, high fat content foods that gave me an instant 'high'
• Food is a good thing.  Excessive food is an emotional thing
• Food is fuel, it is not a friend or an enemy
• Food has no power over my emotions, it is not relaxation, comfort or security

When the torture of trying every single way possible to stop my compulsive ways (and failing) became unbearable, I then became teachable and was able to see the truth of my situation.  

I had to become mindful every time I was about to eat. So much of my compulsive eating was mindless.  At one stage I actually believed I didn't eat that much!  It's a good thing the body doesn't lie!  The way I looked physically and the physical pain I was in was all down to excess weight, which is caused by OVEREATING!!

I had to change my mindset around food and see it as an essential and good thing for me to live my best and healthiest life, in conjunction with surrendering my will, thoughts and actions around food to my higher power. 

I had to become willing to face the fears/emotional blocks that caused me to 'use' food for the wrong reasons instead of eating for the love and health of my body.  

I had to stop running myself ragged in diet circles, trying to control the way and speed with which I would lose weight.  I stopped thinking, carbs were bad, fats were bad, grapefruit was good, cabbage soup was the best.  I totally SURRENDERED that obsession.  The only thing I do today is eat as my higher power revealed 'eat as you did when you were a child - balanced and healthy'.  

Today I love my food, I eat a healthy and balanced diet that includes all food groups and I am grateful I have the awareness to no longer attribute an emotion, feeling, power or personality to the food that I eat.  Recovery has taught me that food really is a good thing. 

Off With Your Head!

My Yoga teacher told me the other day that in Yoga practice there is no head - the body is one.  The head is integrated with the whole body and not out there leading the way.  

I instantly felt one of those 'aha' moments when she said it, as it resonated with what I had been feeling lately about my own head and how it can literally get in my way and block my recovery path.

I am aware that my thoughts are a random and completely natural consequence of the biology of my brain activity. However, sometimes I find myself still identifying with these random thoughts which cause me to stumble down a rockier road to recovery than I need to be on. 

Learning to 'watch my thinking' was (and still can be) quite a task for me, as over the years all I ever did was listen to the fear that my mind spewed into my consciousness. That cacophony of terror kept me trapped in my disease for so long and sadly, I lived a life where I felt under constant threat, never feeling safe or secure.  In fact it was not living, it was existing on high alert and the only time I ever felt even slight relief was when I ate compulsively. 

I now know with certainty that the influence of our thinking on how we live our lives is without doubt the single most powerful predictor of whether we live a happy, joyous and free existence or one of oppression, misery and fear. 

Part of the journey to recovery is facing those challenging moments when your head gets in the way.  Those negative thoughts (the ego) do get louder and try harder to derail surrender and peace of mind.  The ego's voice becomes more insistent when you live in the present moment; terrified of losing control and dying it's own death.   But remember that the ego's death means freedom for you.  It means your true essence is in control, not the mindless fear filled chatter that goes on in your brain. 

Today, I choose not to listen to the negative, fear inducing thoughts that my brain has a propensity to return to. Even if it means me making the choice to be happy 100 different times throughout the day, I keep bringing myself back to the truth of the quiet voice deep within me - the voice of reason and recovery.