Emotional Messiness

Sometimes the recovery journey feels really messy and the only way out of it is through it.  There is nothing 'nice' or 'happy' about this head space.  It feels like an emotional roller coaster of, anger, sadness, loneliness, tiredness, frustration and a whole lot of other adjectives that we use to describe our emotions. Yet, there is not one thing that I can attribute to this state of being at this point in time. 

In Caragh's childhood and early teenage years, her body always let me know when things were not right with her.  In fact I could predict when she was coming down with a tummy bug, or a cold, or an ear infection, because in the couple of weeks prior to her getting sick her dystonia would play up; her face would pull to one side, her little torso would flick, her legs would not coordinate, she would be drooling an awful lot more than was usual and she would have little 'time outs'.  As sure as the sun rises she would come down with some childhood illness after displaying those symptoms. The positive in all of that was I was able to intervene by doing as much as I could to keep her well and hopefully minimise the effects of her sickness. 

I can see that I too experience much the same indicators with my emotions and my body.  In the past couple of weeks there have been definite pointers that something not quite right is going on with me emotionally.  I have been slipping with my food, I have been obsessing about calories and exercise, I have been slipping with my meditation time, as well as times of slipping into negative thinking and the 'poor me's'. 

This emotional messiness encroaches on my serenity, my peace of mind and my joy and let me tell you that grabs my attention. While I wish I'd recognised those alarm bells a couple of weeks ago, it is at least a good thing that I am seeing things more clearly today.  I need to be very aware   when my body, mind and spirit try to get my attention in this manner, or there is the very real chance of total relapse. 

For a lasting daily recovery from this threefold disease of food addiction it is essential that I take care of myself on a physical, emotional and spiritual level and the following are non-negotiable, must-do's when I am feeling like this:

I need to share how I am feeling to another human being who 'gets' this disease
I need to get honest about my feelings
I need to feel the feelings
I need to sit with myself quietly and listen to what my gut instinct is telling me 
I need to surrender my food choices every moment if need be
I need to maintain my spiritual connection with my higher power
I need to always be authentic and do only what is right for my highest good

Times like this show me that this disease of addiction is always sitting, quietly waiting to pounce into action when I least expect it and is why I have to maintain my spiritual connection on a daily basis in order to prevent things sliding out of control.  

It's great to write when things are all hunky dory and plain sailing, but really the honest guts of my recovery is shining the light into that dark hole of my soul that at times still cries out to be filled with food. Bringing that hidden 'stuff' out of hiding is paramount to my abstinence from compulsive eating, my peace of mind and my happiness, and the only way forward is "bloody f***ing through it" as my Yoga teacher so succinctly puts it!