Being a bit of a rebel at heart I used to balk at boundaries - even those I set myself! I resisted so much internally - to my detriment. Being that wee bit older now (and hopefully wiser), my perspective has come full circle in massive favour of boundary setting. I learned there are very good reasons to do so in the bigger picture of my life, the relationships I have and the positive effect in managing my emotional eating response.
Part of the trouble I had created for myself was not setting personal boundaries around the way I allowed others to treat me, manipulate me, put me down, or 'use' me because I was such a people pleaser. Saying "No" or standing up for myself was just not something I practiced in support of myself back then.
Today, trusting my gut instinct, listening to my inner alarm bell clanging or the instant 'WTF' reaction, are all indicators from my inner self that a personal boundary has well and truly been crossed. It is a wonderful thing to become aware of those breaches as it indicates a centred presence and high level of self care and respect.
Fine tuning those indicators is so important, as is trusting them, because many times the people breaking the boundaries are those closest to you; you find yourself questioning whether it was your imagination, or whether you are too sensitive, or justifying wrong behaviour - after all 'they really just care, that's why they say things like that' - NONSENSE!!!
Nine times out of ten, alarm bell ringing behaviours are totally inappropriate. Unfortunately the perpetrators are not at a level of personal growth and awareness to know that their tactlessness and comments are inappropriate or downright offensive.
In the past when I allowed or enabled those types of negative situations it would inevitably end up with me binge eating a whole bunch of sweet stuff to soothe the discomfort I felt and basically adding to the mistreatment of myself. I had to learn how to stand up for myself and love myself enough in order to put a stop to the negativity I'd previously enabled.
Below are some examples of personal boundaries crossed and the type of response I have today, which is not food centred:
- Ever so slightly negative comments/judgements about the way you live your life and your personal circumstances.
- This is my life to live and mine alone. I am aware enough to know that having an opinion about how others live their lives is absolutely none of my business. Keeping my opinions to myself, focusing on my own life and being the best person I can be is the kindest, most caring and respectful way I can treat myself in this circumstance.
- Veiled or direct put downs of certain friends/people in your life.
- I enjoy a variety of friends. I understand that not all my friends are going to be friends with each other, however, I won't stand for negative talk from one friend about another. If that proves too difficult, then I remove myself from the put down path of the person negatively commenting. I wont be manipulated by gossip or lies. I choose today to only surround myself with people who have my highest good in mind.
- Passive aggressive comments about the kind of help you receive, be it from doctors, teachers, psychologists, counsellors or friends e.g. "Are you sure that is the best kind of help you are receiving.. after all they are not x, y, z or as good as a, b or c." - "I think you should do this or that" "You would be best to do it my way because..."
- When I seek help for myself in any way shape or form, I do a load of research and I choose the best fit for me. It might not be your choice, or what you think I should do, but that is not my concern. Gone are the days of me swaying my opinion to please everyone else except myself!
- The caring/smiling assassin - you know the kind I mean!
- These people are dangerous. They are the kind of people who will draw you in with their feigned care and half listening ear, only to end up gossiping about you or using what you've shared against you. Today I keep well away from that type of person, thankfully my radar is so fine tuned I can spot them a mile off!
- Tactless comments about your body, weight, clothes or the way you look.
- This one always amazes me. All I can say to those who think it is okay to do this - ask yourself the following question. "Is what I am about to say something I would like to be said to myself?" "What is my intent in the comment I am about to make?" "Is all you see when you are with me the size of my body?" Think, people THINK. I truly believe that people who have an issue with my eating disorder and how it plays out in my life have personal issues they should be focusing on instead of my big sexy butt!! My counsellor advised that when these types of comments are made, it highlights the state of 'emotional rot' within the person making them and all I need to do is have compassion for their mental/emotional sickness. Which is exactly what I do.
- Controlling comments about the food you eat and how much you eat, or trying to control what you eat.. all in the name of 'supporting you' and 'caring'.
- Let me explain something. You CANNOT fix a food addict this way, or any way for that matter. Let me make this easy for you - It is absolutely not your responsibility. Commenting to a food addict about the food they eat, the portion size, the next best diet, the suggestions of ways in which they control their weight is NOT supportive and is NOT caring - it is you being controlling. Food addicts know more than normal eaters will ever know about nutrition, diet types, portion size, exercise or bariatric surgical interventions. They are experts!! It is a physical affliction with a mental obsession - they know ALL there is to know about this disease they suffer from. They have gone through every single scenario in their head thousands of times. Can I ask you how you would like to have your every eating moment scrutinised by those around you? Not pleasant, not appropriate and none of your business!!
- Negative comments about your belief system
- Having a belief system is a precious gift that I am eternally grateful for. There are many people in this world who choose not to have a belief system, which is their right to do so. However, when people feel they have the right to ridicule your beliefs at the same time as refusing to listen to your opinion, yet you have to listen to theirs, or they cannot respect your right to your opinion, then you know you're dealing with someone who is full of fear and completely closed off to living a whole life. Never dull your light, or change your way of being in order to appease and comfort someone who does not respect your right to your own beliefs. I personally don't care if you believe in unicorns and rainbows - it's your right and if it is not harming anyone else - I celebrate your right to be you, believing in what you want.
Recovery from food addiction is an ongoing process that goes deeper as time passes. There has to be a three pronged approach to getting well. Physical, emotional and spiritual. The most important, in my opinion, is the inner healing and spiritual growth; without them there is no sustainability in physical recovery - I certainly found that out. Having to go through all of the above, learning to love me first, to stand up for myself before anyone else, is building an unshakeable foundation that leads me to physical recovery as a matter of course.
Make sure in your recovery journey you get real; be self accepting, self loving, self supporting and set those boundaries - that way your Recovery won't be derailed by negative life circumstances and will be sustainable one moment at a time.
