An Unmanageable Life

Grappling with the concept that my life had become unmanageable due to food addiction did not sit easily with me.  It was an insult to the superwoman I saw myself as. After all, I am a Mother who, between the ages of 21-26, gave birth to four children. My youngest child has special needs. I worked part-time and full-time at different points throughout the years of child rearing. I kept house, cooked, cleaned, exercised, socialised and helped others.  In fact I was a very very busy lady, so how on earth could my life be unmanageable? How dare anyone try to tell me I don't know how to manage my life. I am Mrs Super-organiser extraordinaire!

It took a huge amount of humility and deep self reflection to understand that an unmanageable life comes in a myriad of forms and that at the height of my active disease my life most definitely was off the scale with unmanageability. 

My unmanageability was plain for all to see. In the way it was displayed on my physique. In the size of the portions I would consume. In the way I used to hide food and eat when nobody was around. In the reasons I ate: to soothe pain; to celebrate; to commiserate; to calm anxiety; to cope with stress; in eating when I didn't want to.  I continued to compulsively eat when I knew my body size was beginning to harm me. In fact, I now realise I ate to ignore the truth of my emotional dysfunction at that time. 

Insanely, I also believed that I could easily lose weight if I just put my mind to it. I bought every diet book in the world (ok a slight exaggeration, but close enough). I tried every form of exercise.  I had a crushingly low self-esteem that I hid from everyone by being gregarious, outgoing and seemingly full of life, love and laughter (I think I deserve an Oscar actually), only to get behind closed doors and fall into the black hole of my physically, emotionally and spiritually sick self. I suffered panic attacks from the age of 7 until 27 and ate my way through that whole time to cope with the torturous terror I was feeling. I had body dysmorphia - when I was thin/normal weight I thought I was fat, when I was morbidly obese I thought I was curvy!!  I had no concept of what I actually looked like.  

For those who lived in recovery from food addiction,  the insanity of my situation was crystal clear and in order for me to survive it was of utmost importance that I began to see with the same level of clarity.  

Today I can look back with gratitude for the turmoil I experienced.  It has made me who I am today and enables me to know without a shadow of a doubt what it feels like for people that are still suffering with active food addiction. 

There are not enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I am for the recovered people in my life who extended the hand of help and friendship to me. No judgement, sneering, or put downs, only a complete understanding of how addiction was affecting my life and an offer of a better way of life with loving guidance towards the healing of that black hole in my soul.  

Choosing recovery is the most courageous and positive life changing decision I have ever made. It is also the hardest work I have ever carried out, but the benefits far outweigh one second in active compulsive eating.  Emotions are healed, spirituality is deepened, self development and awareness is a daily practice and the icing on the cake (pardon the pun) is that my physical self is now experiencing wellness and healing.  

There is no greater gift you can give yourself than allowing your recovery program to guide your life into balance and alignment for your highest good. 

Take an honest look at where your life is and decide to make the change today.  Manageability in recovery ROCKS!!!