Deal with How You Feel

Just recently my cousin posted on Facebook an 'oldie but goodie' photo of herself, my sisters and I taken when she visited us in Scotland many years ago.  I was either 16 or 17 in the photo that she shared and I experienced a surprising and intense emotional reaction when I saw it.   

Tears sprung to my eyes, an overwhelming sadness came over me, along with the feeling of being winded. It was extremely confronting and over the next few days I had to reflect on what was going on inside me.  I also spoke to a couple of people I know I can trust with my emotions and very soon was able to clarify exactly what was going on.  

The photo itself is a lovely memory of a great time spent with my cousin. However, 17 year old Karen in that picture had no idea whatsoever that she was beautiful, she certainly had NO idea that she was that slim - she always thought she was fat and needed to lose weight.  She was a pulsating ball of fear and insecurity and had suffered from horrendous panic attacks from the age of 14 which were still ongoing at that point in time.

Karen, Louise, Julie (back row) Claire, Nicola Angela (front row)

The photo had transported me right back to the intensity of the emotional struggle with anxiety I'd suffered when I was in my teens, causing 51 year old Karen to want to scoop that young, pretty girl up in her arms, hold her close, tell her how beautiful she was, tell her everything was going to be okay and that the nightmares she was creating in her mind were all lies.  I wanted to make all her insecurities disappear and I wanted to infuse into every cell of her being the knowledge of her self worth and perfection just because she existed. 

All young teenage girls battle with confidence and struggle with body image. I, unfortunately, went through an extremely intense period of anxiety for many years that caused me to feel a huge sense of shame at not coping with life.  I felt an absolute failure. 

It was also then that my dysfunctional relationship with food was truly cemented into my psyche.  I used food to cope with life, with the intense fear and emotions I was feeling and was instantly soothed when I ate sweet foods.   So the pattern was set; panic attack, binge eat sweet foods to cope, feel better for a while, then rinse and repeat all through my teenage years and young adult life. The addictive cycle was set; it is very easy to become addicted to something that makes you feel less anxiety and terror.

Needless to say, I sought many avenues of help and recovered from the anxiety neurosis by the time I was in my mid twenties; being a young mother helped - I had no time to have panic attacks!!  

It's clear to see that a major contributing factor to my food addiction was not dealing properly with emotional issues, feelings of shame, as well as being blind to the truth of how I looked while being totally unaware of my own self worth. 

Yet here I am today, happier than I have ever been, feeling beautiful, serene, free of fear and always aware of the lies of my ego that try to keep me 'stuck' in addiction. 

Today, when I have an emotional reaction like I had to the photo, I do not ignore it. I immediately check in with myself to find out what is going on - if I don't do this simple recovery step, I would end up relapsing into compulsive over-eating again.   That is a hell that I choose never to go back to - no matter how intense the emotions. 

I cannot impress upon you enough: deal with how you feel and you will be free from compulsive overeating one moment/day/week/month/year at a time for the rest of your life.