Been There. Done That. Got the T-Shirt.

I've "been there, done that and got the t-shirt" many times in recovery before. 

One of the dangers when in the 'getting better groove' is the temptation to sit back on your laurels and think you've got this food addiction thing licked.  

I cannot  count how many times in the past I've managed to lose poundage, get my head in a reasonably healthy spot regarding food, only for it all to go down the gurgler because the big "I AM" got in the way.  

That ego of mine tricked me into thinking it was all my doing, my power of choice, my control, me, myself and I alone making me better. I would forget the mental and emotional torture that fighting addiction without fully surrendering causes.  I would ignore the threat of inevitable relapse into 'using' food due to my ego's manipulation of the truth.   

It still amazes me how insane I was around food. Even in my previous attempts at recovery I'd convince myself I was doing brilliantly - and I was, but only at the level I was prepared to surrender to.  

"Half measures availed us nothing" it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  

The insanity of my thinking was that I would get full recovery results without full surrender. I always held back on some level.  I always bargained with myself so that I could have what I wanted.  I exercised excessively in order to be able to eat the things I was addicted to. I obsessively counted exercise calories burned and the calories of my addictive food choices, hoping they'd balance out.  

At times my authentic self would break through the mind chaos, needing to be heard and I'd experience a knowing that I had to be prepared to do whatever it took to get better -even if it meant never having certain food types again.  

I absolutely balked at that idea and quickly pushed the truth to the back of my mind, then went unhappily on my way trying to manage myself and my food cravings just so I could indulge addictively!! 

My ego is powerful and positive when she is kept in check by my authentic self.  I love her, but I know she can be a rebel with a food/weight/exercise cause who thinks she's got all the answers, yet becomes completely destructive when she is left to run riot. 

Addiction never sleeps and today I recognise my rebellious ego loves my addictive nature; after all she gets to do/eat what she wants when the addiction is active! 

Today I choose to never forget the horrors of food addiction. I am free of relapse fear and don't dwell on the poor me's of my past, however, I need to remind myself that if I do not keep in fit spiritual condition and fail to do something positive towards my own physical, mental and emotional recovery each day then I absolutely do run the risk of relapse again. 

My choice today is recovery; surrendering my thoughts, actions, food and eating to my higher power, while living an authentic and mindful existence in the present moment.  

The result? I am free from compulsive overeating today. Now, that's a t-shirt slogan I'd happily wear!