What's the Difference This Time ??

The big difference this time on my road to recovery has been the complete surrender of what the outcome will be. 

In my teenage years when the obsession with weight, looks, and overall image increased it's vice like grip within, I felt constant anxiety, panic and fear. An all pervading feeling of being 'less than' had taken seed deep down, digging its roots in the darkest corners of my being until it was so entrenched that gripping panic became my modus operandi.  My solution was to self soothe with food, specifically sweet food - which always triggered the vicious cycle of compulsion/relapse and obsessive thinking.  

I had to find the miracle diet that would help me lose those pounds I'd gained - believe me when I tell you that I am expert on the pros and cons of every single diet out there in weight loss industry world.  I'd  then exercise like a mad woman until endorphins were released and I became euphoric knowing I was burning calories and losing weight.  

I was ecstatic: I was going to be beautiful! I was going to be slim! I would finally be acceptable and loveable!! Life felt good for a few days.... then the inevitable crash, negative thinking, fighting with cravings and hating myself for being so weak would ensue. 

That cycle is horrendous.  I lived most of my adult life gaining and losing, until - as I've mentioned before - I hit the GoldenYears, had health issues and finally completely surrendered.  

I gave up caring what my goal weight would be. I gave up wanting to be beautiful.  I gave up wanting to wear size 10 clothes. I gave up caring what anyone else thought about me.  I gave up hating myself.  I gave up looking at myself with disgust in the mirror.  I gave up self soothing with food when emotionally stressed.  I gave up fighting food. I gave up CONTROL.  

I literally took my hands off the steering wheel of my life and said to the Universe/Spirit/God/Higher Power/Source/Life (call it what you will) ...'there you go.. you do it.. I can't, but I know you can, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to be kind, gentle, loving and caring towards myself....to heal in order to help...  I want to help anyone who has lived or is living this nightmare of physical, mental and spiritual torture.'

So if you are living in hell right now because of food addiction, and if you cannot see your way out of the compulsive cycle - I want to let you know that there really IS hope.  You do not have to get to the point of being 50 and having health issues.  You could be living today without compulsion if you are willing to seek help to take your hands off the steering wheel of your life.  

The gift of losing control, is gaining freedom, living with serenity and a sure knowledge that one day at a time you are free from the hell of compulsive overeating. 

10 Jan 2014 and counting ....