Are You a Sneaky Eater ?

At the height of gorging myself to certain death, I must have, at times, eaten as many as 5000 calories in a day - especially on weekends of back to back night's out. Then my day's consumption would be something like this:  breakfast ,snack, snack, lunch, snack, snack, dinner, pre night out aperitifs, night out with copious consumption of alcohol, home at 2 - 3 a.m. for the middle of the night hangover cure meal (yes, a meal) and then groundhog day would begin again.  Needless to say my snacks and meals were not of the healthy variety; all high sugar, high fat and high carb. A food addict's dream. 

Horrendous I know, but this is the truth of the mindlessness of food addiction.  I was so anaesthetised to my true self and my emotional/spiritual needs that I drowned out the voice of reason and tried to convince myself that what I was doing was normal!! 

In the early days of my addiction, I actually had a louder voice of reason - not that it stopped me from indulging - but my need to self soothe with food was so pronounced that I began strategising how I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the amounts that I needed.  I became extremely sneaky around food.  

I would hide extra packets of cookies/sweets/cakes that I'd bought to ensure nobody else would get them and that I'd have enough.  I would wait until family members went out, then sit down and have a binge fest.  I'd eat in my car on the way home to cook dinner for my kids, or buy sweeties for them and then buy myself triple the amount I'd bought them.  I needed to know that my drug of choice was there when I wanted it and of course I would always cover my eating tracks, ensuring any eating evidence was completely disposed of. 

While I endeavoured to hide my compulsion when eating out with others,  my portion sizes were undoubtedly a sure indication of my disease.  The insanity of food addiction is actually believing "I don't know why I am so heavy because I don't eat that much."

Honestly,  if you are morbidly obese and don't know why, it is most probably because you are a food addict who eats in a stupor of mindlessness. 

It is the slowest form of suicide I know.  It is the worst form of self abuse. It is the clearest indication of self hatred.  A truly sad and torturous disease that fills the sufferer with shame, disgust, denial and despair. 

Today I don't suffer from those guilty, self-hate inducing emotions. Today my body is responding to the self respect, self care and self love I bestow on me. I feel great. 

Believe me, being free from food addiction one moment at a time is a million times better than the instant gratification of  one compulsive bite.  You deserve this freedom. You are more than welcome to contact me, or, I'd suggest you get in touch with anyone you know who 'gets' what you are going through - it could be your lifesaver and a start to the first compulsive free day of the rest of your life.