Been There. Done That. Got the T-Shirt.

I've "been there, done that and got the t-shirt" many times in recovery before. 

One of the dangers when in the 'getting better groove' is the temptation to sit back on your laurels and think you've got this food addiction thing licked.  

I cannot  count how many times in the past I've managed to lose poundage, get my head in a reasonably healthy spot regarding food, only for it all to go down the gurgler because the big "I AM" got in the way.  

That ego of mine tricked me into thinking it was all my doing, my power of choice, my control, me, myself and I alone making me better. I would forget the mental and emotional torture that fighting addiction without fully surrendering causes.  I would ignore the threat of inevitable relapse into 'using' food due to my ego's manipulation of the truth.   

It still amazes me how insane I was around food. Even in my previous attempts at recovery I'd convince myself I was doing brilliantly - and I was, but only at the level I was prepared to surrender to.  

"Half measures availed us nothing" it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  

The insanity of my thinking was that I would get full recovery results without full surrender. I always held back on some level.  I always bargained with myself so that I could have what I wanted.  I exercised excessively in order to be able to eat the things I was addicted to. I obsessively counted exercise calories burned and the calories of my addictive food choices, hoping they'd balance out.  

At times my authentic self would break through the mind chaos, needing to be heard and I'd experience a knowing that I had to be prepared to do whatever it took to get better -even if it meant never having certain food types again.  

I absolutely balked at that idea and quickly pushed the truth to the back of my mind, then went unhappily on my way trying to manage myself and my food cravings just so I could indulge addictively!! 

My ego is powerful and positive when she is kept in check by my authentic self.  I love her, but I know she can be a rebel with a food/weight/exercise cause who thinks she's got all the answers, yet becomes completely destructive when she is left to run riot. 

Addiction never sleeps and today I recognise my rebellious ego loves my addictive nature; after all she gets to do/eat what she wants when the addiction is active! 

Today I choose to never forget the horrors of food addiction. I am free of relapse fear and don't dwell on the poor me's of my past, however, I need to remind myself that if I do not keep in fit spiritual condition and fail to do something positive towards my own physical, mental and emotional recovery each day then I absolutely do run the risk of relapse again. 

My choice today is recovery; surrendering my thoughts, actions, food and eating to my higher power, while living an authentic and mindful existence in the present moment.  

The result? I am free from compulsive overeating today. Now, that's a t-shirt slogan I'd happily wear!  

Don't Mess With a Food Addict!!!!

#cutebutdangerous!!

This is way too cute not to share.. and it hit the giggle spot in my addict brain!!  

Really though,  if someone comments to an active addict about his/her food or how much/type of food being consumed, an inner raging rebel rises from the ashes and they will actually feel like biting your head off, so watch out!

Happy compulsive free Friday everyone.

What's the Difference This Time ??

The big difference this time on my road to recovery has been the complete surrender of what the outcome will be. 

In my teenage years when the obsession with weight, looks, and overall image increased it's vice like grip within, I felt constant anxiety, panic and fear. An all pervading feeling of being 'less than' had taken seed deep down, digging its roots in the darkest corners of my being until it was so entrenched that gripping panic became my modus operandi.  My solution was to self soothe with food, specifically sweet food - which always triggered the vicious cycle of compulsion/relapse and obsessive thinking.  

I had to find the miracle diet that would help me lose those pounds I'd gained - believe me when I tell you that I am expert on the pros and cons of every single diet out there in weight loss industry world.  I'd  then exercise like a mad woman until endorphins were released and I became euphoric knowing I was burning calories and losing weight.  

I was ecstatic: I was going to be beautiful! I was going to be slim! I would finally be acceptable and loveable!! Life felt good for a few days.... then the inevitable crash, negative thinking, fighting with cravings and hating myself for being so weak would ensue. 

That cycle is horrendous.  I lived most of my adult life gaining and losing, until - as I've mentioned before - I hit the GoldenYears, had health issues and finally completely surrendered.  

I gave up caring what my goal weight would be. I gave up wanting to be beautiful.  I gave up wanting to wear size 10 clothes. I gave up caring what anyone else thought about me.  I gave up hating myself.  I gave up looking at myself with disgust in the mirror.  I gave up self soothing with food when emotionally stressed.  I gave up fighting food. I gave up CONTROL.  

I literally took my hands off the steering wheel of my life and said to the Universe/Spirit/God/Higher Power/Source/Life (call it what you will) ...'there you go.. you do it.. I can't, but I know you can, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to be kind, gentle, loving and caring towards myself....to heal in order to help...  I want to help anyone who has lived or is living this nightmare of physical, mental and spiritual torture.'

So if you are living in hell right now because of food addiction, and if you cannot see your way out of the compulsive cycle - I want to let you know that there really IS hope.  You do not have to get to the point of being 50 and having health issues.  You could be living today without compulsion if you are willing to seek help to take your hands off the steering wheel of your life.  

The gift of losing control, is gaining freedom, living with serenity and a sure knowledge that one day at a time you are free from the hell of compulsive overeating. 

10 Jan 2014 and counting .... 

Are You a Sneaky Eater ?

At the height of gorging myself to certain death, I must have, at times, eaten as many as 5000 calories in a day - especially on weekends of back to back night's out. Then my day's consumption would be something like this:  breakfast ,snack, snack, lunch, snack, snack, dinner, pre night out aperitifs, night out with copious consumption of alcohol, home at 2 - 3 a.m. for the middle of the night hangover cure meal (yes, a meal) and then groundhog day would begin again.  Needless to say my snacks and meals were not of the healthy variety; all high sugar, high fat and high carb. A food addict's dream. 

Horrendous I know, but this is the truth of the mindlessness of food addiction.  I was so anaesthetised to my true self and my emotional/spiritual needs that I drowned out the voice of reason and tried to convince myself that what I was doing was normal!! 

In the early days of my addiction, I actually had a louder voice of reason - not that it stopped me from indulging - but my need to self soothe with food was so pronounced that I began strategising how I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the amounts that I needed.  I became extremely sneaky around food.  

I would hide extra packets of cookies/sweets/cakes that I'd bought to ensure nobody else would get them and that I'd have enough.  I would wait until family members went out, then sit down and have a binge fest.  I'd eat in my car on the way home to cook dinner for my kids, or buy sweeties for them and then buy myself triple the amount I'd bought them.  I needed to know that my drug of choice was there when I wanted it and of course I would always cover my eating tracks, ensuring any eating evidence was completely disposed of. 

While I endeavoured to hide my compulsion when eating out with others,  my portion sizes were undoubtedly a sure indication of my disease.  The insanity of food addiction is actually believing "I don't know why I am so heavy because I don't eat that much."

Honestly,  if you are morbidly obese and don't know why, it is most probably because you are a food addict who eats in a stupor of mindlessness. 

It is the slowest form of suicide I know.  It is the worst form of self abuse. It is the clearest indication of self hatred.  A truly sad and torturous disease that fills the sufferer with shame, disgust, denial and despair. 

Today I don't suffer from those guilty, self-hate inducing emotions. Today my body is responding to the self respect, self care and self love I bestow on me. I feel great. 

Believe me, being free from food addiction one moment at a time is a million times better than the instant gratification of  one compulsive bite.  You deserve this freedom. You are more than welcome to contact me, or, I'd suggest you get in touch with anyone you know who 'gets' what you are going through - it could be your lifesaver and a start to the first compulsive free day of the rest of your life. 

My Writing Process - Very First Blog Tour

I was invited to be a part of my very first blog tour by the amazing Lisa Kirchner: an author, storyteller and yogi residing in New York.  Lisa’s stimulating stories, sharp wit and phenomenal way with words tell an inspirational journey of vision and courage that all women need to hear. You also need to read Lisa’s first book, a memoire entitled Hello American Lady Creature, What I learned as a Woman in Qatar, which will be available on 31 May 2014. To check out Lisa’s answers to the blog tour click here and to check out her website click www.lisalkirchner.com.  Thanks Lisa!

My Writing Process

What am I working on?

I’m working on further developing an online healing space via my blog A Compulsive Story for those who suffer from eating disorders and planning to publish a book about my life’s journey with the disease of compulsive overeating. In the world of work, I am currently working on a new Website for Valued Lives and getting ready to launch SCRIBE Online in the coming months.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I think every single writer’s work differs from others – even within the same genre. All we can do is be true to our story and ourselves.  Personally, I endeavour to ensure authenticity in my writing, so the reader experiences the essence of Karen and who she is.

Why do I write what I do?

There are two reasons:  firstly to express my creativity. I love the written word, it inspires and connects to my soul at the deepest level, painting pictures in the canvas of my imagination.  Secondly, a deep desire to help others, to give hope and share the truth of my life’s journey in a unique way with those who are in a similar situation.  

How does my writing process work?

Subject matter for my writing tends to come through meditation, an Oprah ‘Aha’ moment, or just a knowing that I need to write on a certain subject. I write from a connected space that feels otherworldly. When I try to make my writing happen without that connection it simply does not work: no flow, no ideas and no words.  

Now let me introduce the next three beautiful bloggers on the tour who I’m sure you will thoroughly enjoy; Anna Kemp, Elysia Tsangarides and Kristen Taylor:

Anna Kemp:

Anna was born in Melbourne, Victoria but has lived in many places along the East Coast of Australia. She writes a personal/lifestyle blog titled Anna Savanna.  Initially the blog began as a hobby to pass the time during university holidays, but being able to write about anything she felt like and engaging with readers from around the globe was rather addictive. When a rare disorder forced her to quit her Masters Degree in Communications, the blog became her main pursuit. When she isn't posting on the blog she is working on her first fiction book, using instagram prolifically and generally being a flâneur. In her former life as a journalist, Anna wrote for Luxury Travel Magazine and Australian Art Collector, and freelanced for publications such as The Coffee Guide.  Anna currently lives in Sydney with her husband and two dogs.  

Anna Savanna

www.annasavanna.com

Elysia Tsangarides:

Elysia is many things, depending on the time of day. During work hours she is Marketer, Communicator, Event and Program Manager, as well as many cups of tea drinker. After 5pm she writes for Weekend Notes Perth, blogs at Prickles and Pearls, dabbles in many things creative but most of all, reads and writes a bunch! Traveller, foodie, lover, questioner, procrastinator, fence sitter, popcorn lover, dog owner, daughter, girlfriend, sister and amongst other things believer that life should be nothing short of extraordinary.  Check out Prickles and Pearls to enjoy a little bit of El. 

Prickles and Pearls

pricklesandpearls.blogspot.com.au

Kristen Taylor:

Kristen is a 34 year old Mobile, Alabama native who has been a self professed writer ever since she was first able to hold a pencil correctly.  At the age of 11, she had two original poems published in the annual edition of 'Sketches,' a 200-page booklet showcasing art and writings of students in the DoDDS schools in Germany.  Her next published work didn't occur till more than 20 years later when she was asked to contribute to a coffee-table book entitled 50 Shades of Black writing on the 'Global Preoccupation of Skin Tone' (as it relates to sexuality and how its portrayed in the media). However, for the past four years Kristen has been writing a myriad of topics on her blog The Personal Reflections of Kristen Alyce. With notebooks full of songs, scripts and short stories dating back as far as 2000, she hopes one day to compile all her work into a personal catalogue.  In the meantime, she is working on a currently untitled book where she discusses morality in dating relationships as they relate to scripture and its parallel to her personal dating experiences.  Coming soon to a bookshelf near you! Until then, check her out on her Personal Reflections blog; she'd loved to welcome you to her world! 

The Personal Reflections of Kirsten Alyce

http://kristenalyce.tumblr.com