Discovering More in Recovery

I've been a bit quiet on my beloved blog this past couple of weeks, not because I don't want to write, or because I have nothing to say, but because I am reflecting deeply on certain aspects of my journey.

I'm constantly learning on this incredible road and some of the 'stuff' that I am being taught is not particularly easy to digest; hence the reason I have taken time out to absorb what is going on around me. 

One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is to put myself first, to stand up for myself and what I believe in - and to feel okay about doing just that.  

In the past, part of my disease made me a people pleaser.  I would say yes when I meant no, I would put up with passive aggressive behaviour from people, making excuses for them and why they were treating me in a negative manner.  I used to get super anxious if I had to speak up for what was right as it might make someone dislike me! (can you believe that about me!  I love seeing how far I've come)  

I know I didn't come across as that 'scaredy cat' in my life, but there was a part of me that found all of the right behaviours around valuing myself very difficult to carry out. 

All that's been happening lately is the last bastions of ego/fear around those types of issues are rising in my consciousness, presenting themselves in such a way that I am being challenged to deal with them: decisions I have to make for my own highest good in life, health and relationships - with no fear of what another thinks and without falling into compulsive overeating to cope. 

In being true to myself, changes have certainly occurred: in the way I am eating today, the choices I make around food have undoubtedly changed for the all round betterment of my health;  in my social life, the best behaviours regarding eating out and alcohol consumption have and are changing massively i.e. overindulging in any way, shape or form is entirely detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual growth; in the way I am having to reassess my old compulsive exercise patterns - accepting I have to follow exercise plan B takes a lot for me because I was an absolute gym junkie - learning to exercise for my age and my circumstance has been a huge pill to swallow;  in my relationships and friendships changes have also occurred for my highest good; if a friendship/relationship is not authentic and truly beneficial for me in an emotional/spiritual way, I find they naturally fall away or the dynamics change, or I just take a step back for my own good.  All peaceful and drama free ways of being true to myself. 

Discovering more about myself, my emotions, deepening my spirituality and being committed to change in order to continue to grow and better myself, are all byproducts of surrendering my life and will to the care of my Higher Power in my recovery journey.  

It is a wonderful, challenging, tiring at times, exciting road to be on - even after all these years. I choose today to be on my journey 110 percent, doing all that is asked of me.  There is a great saying in AA that one bad day in recovery is far better than any good day in active addiction.   I can attest to that this day - as challenging and mucky as some of the recovery journey can get, I would far rather go through that than continuously be in the situation of compulsively overeating myself into an early grave.  

Choose to discover your truth. Live in recovery today. It's definitely a life worth living one day at a time.    

Maybe it's Time

I went to see the movie A Star is Born a couple of weeks ago and since then have listened to the soundtrack on many occasions - it's just brilliant!  One track in particular that I keep listening to and which resonates deeply with me is 
'Maybe it's Time.' 

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change a man

Hell, it takes a lot to try

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Some folks just believe in the things they've heard

And the things they read

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from

I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good

But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here

You know I would, you know I would

Nobody speaks to God these days

Nobody speaks to God these days

I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways

Nobody speaks to God these days

When I was a child they tried to fool me

Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real

Well, I've seen hell in Reno

And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel

Spinnin' still

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change your plans

Hella drain to change your mind

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Oh, maybe it's time to let the old ways die

The whole song, for me,  depicts the emotional, mental and physical journey of an addict.  No matter what that addiction is, there is always an internal quandary going on, questioning whether letting go of the old to make way for the new is going to help. 

Addiction will always want the upper hand, to gain control, so when it senses you're at the point of total surrender, it will up the quandary ante until you end up going over things in your head ad infinitum, not knowing where to start.   

In the throes of addiction, a relapsed state, or coming out of that relapsed state,  there is a lot of fear involved, a lot of shame, a lot of questioning everything you've ever read or been told with regard to your situation and, personally,  because I know all there is to know about diet/exercise/nutrition/health/12step programs/what I should and should not eat/what way of eating works best and what does not,  it has led me to a point of .. what does it matter what I need to learn now, whatever it is I have to surrender - again - to an even deeper level.  

Addiction is an insidious demon that will only be quieted one moment at a time while in a state of awareness. When something/someone is described as Insidious it means they/it is "working or spreading harm in a subtle or stealthy manner; awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous; harmful but enticing.  Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent."   Webster Dictionary.  

There is no better description of the manner in which addiction works than this definition. 

Addiction is extremely patient and hoodwinks us into thinking we are in recovery, that we can manage our addiction, or we can just have that one bite/drink/drug.  We are fooled into thinking because we can control our eating/drinking/drug taking to some level and our lives are not falling down around us that somehow we are in control - not addicts. 

This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It is not a respecter of intelligence, status in the community or religious/spiritual background.  It is a destroyer of lives, families and communities and there are many levels .. just because you are not the homeless drunk on the streets, 700 pounds overweight with a failing heart, or continuing to work while using drugs, does not mean that you are not an addict.  It just means you have not got to that low point YET.  It will happen at some stage (remember how patient Addiction is) unless there is a total surrender to a power greater than yourself - whatever that power may be.  

I've been brought to the stage of truly wanting to let the old ways die; to stop the obsessive thinking and surrender, to do the next right thing for myself and my recovery without any expectations as to what that will look like.  I hope too for my fellow sufferers of addiction of any kind and at any level, that you too can be brought to the point of surrender which lets the old ways die, where you strike up a conversation with 'God' and try to live one moment at a time, free from the insidious disease of addiction.     

Remember - It's Nothing to do With You

I'd like to share a short snippet from this book  that I'm reading just now - it surely is giving me a lot of spiritual food for thought.

I love to read about and develop my spirituality.  I enjoy that side of life; take solace in the quiet moments, joy in the awe filled moments and can clearly see that there is more to this life than the physical and mental realm we live our lives in each day; there is SO much more than the mind/ego that we all have in spades. 

Having a concept of the otherworldly aspect of our existence can at times leave you open to ridicule and disrespect from those who do not think or feel the same as you do.

Being on the receiving end of this type of reaction a few times in my life,  I've had to ask myself:  what makes this person so afraid? What makes them so adamant  that the spiritual/religious/faithful side of my life is nonsense? Why do they feel the need to dissuade me from my truth with their opinions?

What you can be sure of is this type of behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is solely to do with the person's own perspective on life, their ego and their fear.  There is absolutely no need to take any of their opinions personally.

Remember, an opinion is not the truth. 

Allow others the right to be who they are, with their own beliefs and opinions and you will remain in a place of dignified serenity with peace of mind and spirit.

When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.