Don't Try Too Hard

What people may not realise about food addicts is that, contrary to popular belief, we can be extremely strong willed, able minded, over achievers who never stop trying. Even in active disease we are trying: trying to work out a way to have our cake and eat it!!

I know many look at someone morbidly obese and think that person is lazy, greedy or weak willed - not willing to better themselves.  That judgement is not the truth. 

One of my biggest issues when in active compulsive eating, was that I tried way too hard. I tried so hard to lose weight: to follow this diet or that food plan. I tried many different forms of exercise. I tried to change my thinking and perspective on what was happening. I tried to gain self knowledge and understanding, while controlling every circumstance surrounding food.  In fact I tried every single thing known in the diet/weight loss/self realisation/psychological/spiritual realm to get better.  I'm not one for giving in easily about anything, but the fact that I kept falling down in this one area opened my eyes to the power of addiction and the fact that the only way out of its hell was to surrender to the fact I had one.  

All that trying was exhausting and I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel of my life. 

Letting go of the steering wheel did not go down well with my ego. She kept taking back control, driving me down that road of self will running riot. When she's (my ego) kept in check and realises her place in the grand scheme of my life and recovery she is a wonderful thing. However, I learned to be constantly aware of the power that Ms Addiction could assert over my ego; her sweet lies, plausible arguments and magical manipulation could quite deftly derail my recovery journey: "let's do this food plan now," "how about we make sure we exercise 5 times this week for an hour each or more, that's healthy isn't it??," "maybe we should mix things up a bit for faster weight loss results, fasting one day and eat all you want the next," "you are tired, you deserve some nice soothing food after all your hard work." If I am not in fit spiritual condition when Ms Very Patient Addiction starts talking, things can begin to spiral wildly out of control. 

Fit spiritual condition for me is being present in the moment. Being aware of my emotions, listening to my body, respecting what it is 'saying' to me. Basically keeping dialogue with my higher self and maintaining a connected spiritual space. 

I love all things spiritual and yes I can also make hard work of trying to be more connected, enlightened and centred.  If I'm unaware, I could be up to my elbows in all that trying business again which is absolutely not conducive to recovery. Surrender and trusting the process is the way forward. 

It's amazing for me to see how my addiction has responded to surrender, confirming that addiction is absolutely not the result of being weak-willed, lazy or greedy, but is a disease that's symptoms are relieved on a daily basis when I stop trying to control the minutia of my life/food/relationships.

Realising each day that I don't have to try so hard, is such a relief. Do yourself a favour and don't try so hard to control your disease.  Surrender all aspects of your addiction to your higher power and enjoy the gift you receive in return: living your life free from compulsive eating.