I've been a bit quiet the past couple of weeks on my beloved blog, not because I don't want to write, or have nothing to say, but because I have felt the need to reflect deeply on certain aspects of the journey I am taking right now.
I am constantly learning on this incredible road and some of the 'stuff' that I am being taught is not particularly easy to digest; hence the reason I have taken time out to absorb what is going on around me.
One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is to put myself first, to stand up for myself and what I believe in - and to feel okay about doing just that.
In the past, part of my disease made me a compulsive people pleaser. I would say yes when I meant no, I would put up with passive aggressive behaviour from people, making excuses for them and why they were treating me in a negative manner. I used to get super anxious if I had to speak up for what was right as it might make someone dislike me! (can you believe that about me! I love seeing how far I've come)
I know I didn't come across as that 'scaredy cat' in my life, but there was a part of me that found all of the right behaviours around valuing myself very difficult to carry out.
All that's been happening lately is the last bastions of ego/fear around those types of issues are rising in my consciousness, presenting themselves in such a way that I am being 'challenged' to deal with them: decisions I have to make for my own highest good in life, health and relationships - with no fear of what another thinks and without falling into compulsive overeating to cope.
In being true to myself changes have certainly occurred: in the way I eat, the choices I make around food have undoubtedly changed for the all round betterment of my health; in my social life, the best behaviours regarding eating out and alcohol consumption have and are changing massively i.e. overindulging in any way, shape or form is entirely detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual growth; in the way I exercise today - a 360 degree turn has occurred. Accepting I have to follow exercise plan B took a lot for me because, even as big as I was, I was an absolute gym junkie; in my relationships and friendships changes have also occurred for my highest good; if a friendship/relationship is not authentic and truly beneficial for me in an emotional/spiritual way, I find they naturally fall away or the dynamics change, or I just take a step back for my own good. All peaceful and drama free ways of being true to myself.
Discovering more about myself, my emotions, deepening my spirituality and being committed to change in order to become the best version of me, are all by products of surrendering my life and will to the care of my Higher Power in my recovery journey.
It is a wonderful, challenging, tiring at times, very exciting road to be on. I choose today to be on my journey 110 percent, doing all that is asked of me. There is a great saying in AA that one bad day in recovery is far better than any good day in active addiction. I can attest to that - as challenging and mucky as some of the recovery journey can get, I would far rather go through that than ever be in the situation of compulsively overeating myself into an early grave.
Choose to discover the true essence and beauty of YOU. Live in recovery today. It's a life worth living.
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