Oh What A Year!!

Today I am guessing many of you will be like me - looking back over 2014, assessing whether it was successful or unsuccessful, good or bad, happy or sad.

I feel that my year was all of those things at one point or other and therefore overall it was a GOOD year!  I have wakened up to the realisation that experiencing the gamut of emotions and experiences that life brings is a blessing. 

When I struggle with my food addiction, it brings me to a place of recommitment, surrender and total acceptance that my disease of compulsion is not one that will ever go away, it is one that I will live with in recovery one day at a time for the rest of my life.  

When I go through emotional lows e.g. feeling disconnected, left out, unwanted, sad, lonely, separated, unloved.  I am eventually brought to a place of looking at myself squarely and asking if ANY of those stories my ego is telling me are the actual truth. The answer of course is no.  

When I feel that I can no longer carry on giving as a Carer, not because I don't want to, but because I am exhausted and physically/mentally/emotionally it is deeply draining,  I shake myself off, dust myself down, get up and do the next right thing - always amazed, when I look back, at where I get the strength from. 

When I feel as though I am being taken for granted, or my situation is misunderstood I have learned to voice my needs and speak my truth.  That way I won't fall into resentment which is the number one killer for any addict to get entrenched in. 

When I go through the hard times, it makes me realise how great the good times are.  

To put things in perspective is always helpful and this morning I compiled a list of my 2014 achievements and now give myself a great big HUG, a HIGH FIVE and a "YOU GO GIRL!" 

I feel very proud of all that I have achieved within my circumstances - especially because I care fully for Caragh on all levels of her life.  Managing to do what I have done while being a Carer is PHENOMENAL people .. truly PHENOMENAL.  Here goes with my list:

Created my beloved blog
Achieved weight loss
Pool exercise 3 x per week
Yoga practice 3 x per week 
Learned to voice my needs without fear
Learned to put myself first
Learned to listen to my body 
Learned to like my body
Learned to accept myself
Learned to respect my own needs 
Learned to set boundaries
Learned to say No and be absolutely fine with it
Daily Meditation and breath work
Spiritual growth
Spiritual/Emotional healing
Self awareness
Self growth
Planned and arranged for Caragh's more independent future
Interviewed and employed Carers for Caragh's Future
Commenced Shared Management of Caragh's funding
Sold one property
Buying another property
Researched community networks for Caragh to be involved in
Developed close friendships
Let go of toxic relationships
Surrounded myself with people who care
Laughed a LOT
Cried a LOT 
Socially had a BLAST as my friend and I made a vow to get out there socially and enjoy all life has to offer on that level.  
Holidayed in Bali and Margaret River 
Developed a website for Valued Lives
Edited all copy for the website
Wrote copy for the website 
Coordinated and planned a very successful inaugural Fundraising event for Valued Lives
Became a Valued Lives Board Member
Work for Valued Lives
Enrolled in study with the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors
A great Mum to my sons and daughter
A great friend to those nearest and dearest to me
A great help to those who need an ear to listen and counselling
Carried the message of recovery from compulsive addiction to those still suffering by way of this blog and sharing my ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) with those I meet and/or connect with. 

In all of the above achievements I feel a deep sense of love and gratitude.  I love all of it.. the good and the bad, which shows me just how much I have changed on many levels for the better in 2014.  I know that 2015 is going to be even better with more growth, love, health, weight loss for health reasons and spiritual awareness.  

2015 Bring It!!!!!!

Blog Therapy: Now In Session

One of the hardest things for me to do when my energy is low and my mood is down, is to voice my needs and tell the truth about how I am feeling.  It's not easy because people never like to hear the negative side of life.  They all want the happy side, the easy stuff, the fun stuff that Karen posts and the big laugh, big smile and "she'll be right mate" attitude. 

Well you know what, sometimes it just is not like that at all.  

I am not a whiner, or a moaner, or a victim to my circumstance, but I am human and I do not feel good every minute of every day of every month of every year.   Living a full life means I get to experience the good days and the sh** days.  

Right now I am having a not so good time of it - contrary to popular opinion on Facebook!!  I know why though. I am TIRED.  Yep, the dreaded T word and unfortunately one of the side effects of being sole carer of my DD is not only physical tiredness, but mental and emotional exhaustion.  It is getting towards the end of what has been a huge year for us on so many levels and I have not had a full break since I went to Bali back in July. I love Bali, I am grateful to be able to go and I am a very blessed woman in very many ways, but nine days off every 6 months doesn't cut it anymore. 

I am also tired of not speaking the truth of my feelings.  I am so over caring about whether people think I am feeling sorry for myself, or if they think I am wallowing in self pity. 

Believe me I am not.  I am OWNING this and ACKNOWLEDGING ME.  

As all people who care for a vulnerable person know, it is not our privilege to put ourselves first, care for ourselves first, do solely what we want. Everything a carer does revolves around the person in need.  

My day starts at 7 a.m. when I wake up and lie in my bed asking my higher power to give me the energy to get through the day.  Everything is groundhog day routine because it has to be.  

Get up,  get DD's breakfast prepared, get her lunch pack prepared, waken her up gently as she is not a morning person, cajole her out of bed, put on the big smile and say "GOOD MORNING GORGEOUS.. GUESS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO TODAY???" Kiss her, cuddle her, have a conversation about her day and make her smile before her feet even hit the floor.  

Then I turn on the TV to a channel that she likes as it keeps her in a good mood.  Next, I settle her into where she has breakfast, then go to to prepare her bedroom and look out her her clothes for the Carers who come to dress her in the morning.  I love these Carers and am eternally grateful for the amazing job they do, but believe me having someone come to your house at 8 a.m. in the morning every weekday means the happy smiley face has to be on and that too is tiring.  

Once the Carers are here, Caragh goes with them to the bathroom and then her bedroom. I at that stage pack her lunch bag, get her monies ready for the day and am listening out the whole time;  Caragh can be moody, excitable, over-tired, feeling sick, upset, or worried about change and all this can affect her attitude towards the people helping her.  So of course I cannot switch off.  

That caring moment over and done with, Caragh wants to sit next to me, or follow me around while I am trying to get my own breakfast prepared.  I try to time it that I either manage to have my breakfast before the next Carer arrives to take Caragh out, or if that is not going to work, to wait until they are all gone and then sit down to have my breakfast in peace. 

While eating,  I ponder all the things I want to do: study, clean the house, do the laundry, Christmas shopping, yoga, swimming, meet friends, physiotherapy, meditation - you name it I have loads of things I want to do and more often than not at this time of year I just end up sitting feeling like stunned mullet and it is imperative that I be extremely mindful of my exhaustion levels as it could trigger an atrial fibrillation event, which for obvious reasons I don't want to happen again! My mind instead of focusing on me and my needs inevitably wanders onto all the things I need to do for Caragh: searching the real estate pages for the house we are going to buy for her, interview more carers to join the team, think about the person who will eventually live with Caragh in her own home and what the job description and role will entail, research what social / community activities we can enrol Caragh in.... and the list goes on ad infinitum with all my wants and needs flying out the window. 

Don't get me wrong, I push myself to do as much as I physically and emotionally can.  I make sure I get to yoga as it saves me from ending up in a wheelchair I am sure!  I socialise with friends on the weekend and try to get out and about as much as possible, but that takes planning and money!!  I have to ring around and try to get people to sit with Caragh, sometimes going through a list of carers, hoping to finally find someone who will help me out.  All I can say is thank GOD for the funding I was given to help pay for these beautiful people that help me get a break.  

While I know next year a lot of this will be much easier, I also know that as a Mother, there will be no switching off from this situation.  

When Caragh comes home from her day out, she needs a rest, then of course the whole evening/night time routine kicks in, dinner, bathing, bed and dealing with a tired girl.  Sleep time is normally around 9.30-10.00 p.m. Then I clean up, with all good intentions when I'm done,  to read, write, wrap pressies, study some more, but it's 10.15 p.m. and yes you've guessed it.. I am exhausted. 

This happens every day of the year without fail. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my angel daughter. I am grateful for my home, my boys, my friends.  I am grateful for the financial support I get from Caragh's dad and by way of funding.  I am truly thankful for all the support I get from Caragh's crew.  If I didn't have all of the above I would be 6 feet under or locked up somewhere by now!! The thing is, even with ALL that support, caring for someone day in day out, before you can care for yourself is truly and deeply exhausting. However, my child needs me - what else am I going to do?   I love her. 

I had to write this tonight because I am feeling it. I am voicing the not so nice stuff. Tomorrow I will get up and do it all again and probably won't be feeling so fed up and things might not be so overwhelming.  Who knows.  All I know is this is how it is right now.    

Beware!!! Projection is Poisonous

A classic active addiction behaviour and one of the most damaging, soul destroying deeds you can expose yourself to is Projection.  

"Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others.  e.g.  a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude." 

When you add that nasty affliction to the mix of dysfunction and denial that goes on in active addiction, the result is an extremely unhappy, neurotic person blaming everyone else for their problems, their perception and their behaviour. 

I have to admit that in the past I had dallied down the path of projection, especially when things were very messy in my marriage many years ago.  I was expert at pointing the finger of blame because I was unhappy with me.  At the time I had no idea just how much I was in denial of my sad emotional state. Many of the things I feared and hated in 'him', were actually a reflection of things I feared and hated in myself. In stating that, I am not for a second taking all the blame for the bad stuff, after all it takes two to tango - but I am saying that after years of self reflection and looking myself straight in the eye, it was get time to get honest or die. Own my own stuff or suffer. 

Getting real with yourself takes a lot of work, a lot of support and a mountain of courage. Having to let go of the less than true stories that I'd created in my head about what this or that person was doing to get to me, or what he/she was saying behind my back, talking nastily about me, or having to own up to the times I was embracing being a victim because it was easier than standing up and being a warrior, was not easy. 

Waking up to the realisation that my happiness was my responsibility and that I actually did have the power to choose how I looked at the world and everyone in it, has been one of the most life giving gifts I have given myself. No, I do not always succeed, but I now have a point of reference with which to gauge my thought processes in any situation.  I now have the skills to bring myself back to the truth.  

Searching through the darkness to find the light is a murky, yet magnificent road - a journey I'd personally recommend for your recovery, peace of mind and serenity of spirit. While it's tough, it really is worth it. 

Good Advice

I was given some really good advice yesterday. Advice I was grateful to be reminded of.   Part of my recovery journey into wholeness has been to feel comfortable about setting boundaries around myself without being concerned about another person's reaction to the boundaries I set. 

As a child, teenager, young married Mum, and now middle years Goddess... oops I mean woman.....  I used to have an issue with using the word No. No is the shortest complete sentence in the English language, but this small word has the power to create the biggest negative reaction in those receiving it as an answer to a question, and used to cause absolute emotional chaos in me when I had to deliver it.   So much so that I would say Yes when I meant No.  

I used to interpret the other person's negative reaction to mean that I was a bad/unkind/non-caring person, however over the years and after a lot of self awareness and development work I am finally free of that lie.  How and what another person thinks of me is none of my business, therefore it no longer concerns me. 

When you live your life in authenticity and have a healthy respect for your own physical, mental and emotional well-being and a deep love for yourself that ensures you are mindful of your highest good in every situation, saying No becomes very easy. 

The advice I was given was this:

"Be ok with having good boundaries and values and expressing yourself authentically. Sometimes this may be in a firm manner or using anger if the person is continuing to invade your boundaries and disrespecting you. Then, let go and trust that you have spoken from your truth without malice.  See the person with compassion for where they are on their journey."

It is a beautiful thing when you can put yourself first and know that it is not coming from a selfish and self centred point of view, but from that place of love that says "you matter, your life matters, your health matters, your emotions matter, your spirit matters, your happiness matters and being authentic to you is essential for all of this well-being.  Only you can give yourself that gift - nobody else can."

Learning to truly care and love for myself has been a wonderful, eye opening, difficult, uncomfortable, anxious and exhilarating recovery experience all rolled into one.  I wouldn't want it any other way - if it had been easy it would have taught me nothing. 

Recovery all the way no matter what.   

It's Been a While but Everything's Alright

It has been a while since I have written anything on this beautiful blog of mine.  I have been having some time out from writing as a matter of reflection; making sure my intent in writing and sharing was not being driven by my ego and that the words I share are coming from an authentic space within me. 

There is nothing in my recovery journey that has anything to do with me being more able, more aware, more grounded than anyone else who suffers from an addiction.  The only difference between me and a person still suffering active addiction, is that today I surrendered.  I gave up trying to control the food addict monster my way. 

I have not relapsed, but I wouldn't say that every single day since I last wrote has been 'clean' eating.  Clean eating to me has a number of meanings e.g. the actual food I put in my mouth, the state of my mind prior to eating, the physical way in which I eat i.e. scarfing food down so fast it doesn't touch the sides of my mouth! Or if I am eating due to stress, anxiety, moodiness etc. 

Life is a constant flow of ups and downs and so maintaining spiritual balance, emotional balance and keeping my thinking straight, while surrendering my food choices, is the every day work of my recovery programme that needs to be carried out in order to prevent slipping into full blown relapse. As the saying goes, nobody said it would be easy, but recovery sure is worth it

There have been a lot of positive things happening for me recently and there is going to be a lot more positive changes happening in the near future.  I have taken up study, I am preparing my disabled daughter for moving into her own home and I am now practicing Yoga. These are all gifts that recovery from addiction promises.  

Recovery allows me to focus on living, addiction - at its best - distracts me from living life to the full and at its worst destroys my chances of living at all.  Make your choice to live life to the fullest today.