Over the last 9 months I have been struggling with my food addiction. I can now see clearly what has happened and want to share this with you to prevent you falling down the same black hole of food addiction relapse. Hindsight really is a wonderful thing.
It started with visitors in September, then again in October, which always plays havoc with food plans. I then took over management of my daughter's disability funding which meant I had to employ my own carers and arrange a weekly schedule for her. This was and still is a positive choice, but it came with a mountain of extra work - the extent of which I was not prepared for. Next, I sold a house - all that admin, real estate stuff was ridiculous and before I knew it Christmas was upon me and you KNOW what that silly season is like!
After all the festivities it was time to purchase a place for my daughter which meant literally months of evening hours on the computer searching for the perfect home. Finally, in February that home was purchased (more real estate stuff!)
Planning now was of the utmost importance as to what we needed to buy for her home set up, how we would work a 24 hour roster of care into her week and applying for more funding to help finance this massive undertaking. My stress levels were through the roof.
Apart from all the physical and mental input over this period of time, the emotional toll was enormous and spiritually .. well that came in the form of a couple of Gin and Tonics every evening, not my usual morning hour of meditation.
I was totally ignoring my needs, my health, my emotions, my vital need for spiritual connection and any caring advice that came my way - after all I knew best what to do for my daughter and I love her so much and really all the thinking power behind all of this had to come from me because I am the one that knows her the best!! You get the picture don't you?
The insidious increase in my appetite was duly noted and promptly put to the back of my mind. I ignored the fact that I had fallen into addictive behaviours: the panacea of 'using' food to cope with life and all it had thrown at me was my deeply ingrained 'go to' response for coping.
Do you see how cunning, baffling and powerful the addictive response is? Have you read my previous posts that said "I don't have another relapse in me" "if I go down this road again it will kill me" ? All that head knowledge and .. so I thought.. heart knowledge did not stop me. Sub consciously I knew what was happening, I was aware enough to know I had 'shelved' my inner guide and allowed my 'ego' to keep on doing what it needed to do because she knew best!! A complete recipe for disaster.
Today I am able to sit and write for the first time in months, I am able to see clearly the path I was heading down. I have gained weight again, I have sore back and hips again, however, my darling daughter has moved out and I have - for the first time in 24 years - TIME. Time and energy for myself. Time to sit and meditate, read, reflect, get real, practice yoga, plan my exercise classes and give myself the love, nurture and spiritual sustenance that I cannot live without. All those are the positive panaceas that I need to practice one day at a time until they become second nature and my natural "go to" response in recovery.
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