Don't Try Too Hard

What people may not realise about food addicts is that, contrary to popular belief, we can be extremely strong willed, able minded, over achievers who never stop trying. Even in active disease we are trying: trying to work out a way to have our cake and eat it!!

I know many look at someone morbidly obese and think that person is lazy, greedy or weak willed - not willing to better themselves.  That judgement is not the truth. 

One of my biggest issues when in active compulsive eating, was that I tried way too hard. I tried so hard to lose weight: to follow this diet or that food plan. I tried many different forms of exercise. I tried to change my thinking and perspective on what was happening. I tried to gain self knowledge and understanding, while controlling every circumstance surrounding food.  In fact I tried every single thing known in the diet/weight loss/self realisation/psychological/spiritual realm to get better.  I'm not one for giving in easily about anything, but the fact that I kept falling down in this one area opened my eyes to the power of addiction and the fact that the only way out of its hell was to surrender to the fact I had one.  

All that trying was exhausting and I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel of my life. 

Letting go of the steering wheel did not go down well with my ego. She kept taking back control, driving me down that road of self will running riot. When she's (my ego) kept in check and realises her place in the grand scheme of my life and recovery she is a wonderful thing. However, I learned to be constantly aware of the power that Ms Addiction could assert over my ego; her sweet lies, plausible arguments and magical manipulation could quite deftly derail my recovery journey: "let's do this food plan now," "how about we make sure we exercise 5 times this week for an hour each or more, that's healthy isn't it??," "maybe we should mix things up a bit for faster weight loss results, fasting one day and eat all you want the next," "you are tired, you deserve some nice soothing food after all your hard work." If I am not in fit spiritual condition when Ms Very Patient Addiction starts talking, things can begin to spiral wildly out of control. 

Fit spiritual condition for me is being present in the moment. Being aware of my emotions, listening to my body, respecting what it is 'saying' to me. Basically keeping dialogue with my higher self and maintaining a connected spiritual space. 

I love all things spiritual and yes I can also make hard work of trying to be more connected, enlightened and centred.  If I'm unaware, I could be up to my elbows in all that trying business again which is absolutely not conducive to recovery. Surrender and trusting the process is the way forward. 

It's amazing for me to see how my addiction has responded to surrender, confirming that addiction is absolutely not the result of being weak-willed, lazy or greedy, but is a disease that's symptoms are relieved on a daily basis when I stop trying to control the minutia of my life/food/relationships.

Realising each day that I don't have to try so hard, is such a relief. Do yourself a favour and don't try so hard to control your disease.  Surrender all aspects of your addiction to your higher power and enjoy the gift you receive in return: living your life free from compulsive eating.  

Reflect and Discover in Recovery

I've been a bit quiet the past couple of weeks on my beloved blog, not because I don't want to write, or have nothing to say, but because I have felt the need to reflect deeply on certain aspects of the journey I am taking right now.

I am constantly learning on this incredible road and some of the 'stuff' that I am being taught is not particularly easy to digest; hence the reason I have taken time out to absorb what is going on around me. 

One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is to put myself first, to stand up for myself and what I believe in - and to feel okay about doing just that.  

In the past, part of my disease made me a compulsive people pleaser.  I would say yes when I meant no, I would put up with passive aggressive behaviour from people, making excuses for them and why they were treating me in a negative manner.  I used to get super anxious if I had to speak up for what was right as it might make someone dislike me! (can you believe that about me!  I love seeing how far I've come)  

I know I didn't come across as that 'scaredy cat' in my life, but there was a part of me that found all of the right behaviours around valuing myself very difficult to carry out. 

All that's been happening lately is the last bastions of ego/fear around those types of issues are rising in my consciousness, presenting themselves in such a way that I am being 'challenged' to deal with them: decisions I have to make for my own highest good in life, health and relationships - with no fear of what another thinks and without falling into compulsive overeating to cope. 

In being true to myself changes have certainly occurred: in the way I eat, the choices I make around food have undoubtedly changed for the all round betterment of my health;  in my social life, the best behaviours regarding eating out and alcohol consumption have and are changing massively i.e. overindulging in any way, shape or form is entirely detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual growth; in the way I exercise today - a 360 degree turn has occurred. Accepting I have to follow exercise plan B took a lot for me because, even as big as I was, I was an absolute gym junkie;  in my relationships and friendships changes have also occurred for my highest good; if a friendship/relationship is not authentic and truly beneficial for me in an emotional/spiritual way, I find they naturally fall away or the dynamics change, or I just take a step back for my own good.  All peaceful and drama free ways of being true to myself. 

Discovering more about myself, my emotions, deepening my spirituality and being committed to change in order to become the best version of me, are all by products of surrendering my life and will to the care of my Higher Power in my recovery journey.  

It is a wonderful, challenging, tiring at times, very exciting road to be on. I choose today to be on my journey 110 percent, doing all that is asked of me.  There is a great saying in AA that one bad day in recovery is far better than any good day in active addiction.   I can attest to that - as challenging and mucky as some of the recovery journey can get, I would far rather go through that than ever be in the situation of compulsively overeating myself into an early grave.  

Choose to discover the true essence and beauty of YOU. Live in recovery today. It's a life worth living.