Getting Real

I haven't written on here since February, not because I'm forgetting my blog, but because it was time for me to get real with myself - not with friends, family, colleagues, online blog readers, Facebook or Instagram. Just me. 

The journey I have been on has been raw; challenging and humbling. 

I realised that because I am good with words, love to write, tell stories and share, that my focus was not fully on what really needed working on.  All of this outward communication was actually a way for me to avoid getting to the nitty gritty stuff of my life that needed healing.  My ego also loved the attention and support I was getting and gave me a false sense of self worth.  The only person's thoughts about me that I need to concern myself with are my own.  It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinions and ideas about me are and I can't control them anyway! 

You know what I have learned in these murky waters?  I know nothing. I mean I can write about addiction, I can write about psychology, spirituality and counselling and yes the things I have written are my knowledge, experience, strength and hope, but as the old bible saying goes - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not (self) love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal". 

I am not shaming myself or discounting the intent and content in my previous posts, but I am getting real about how I could talk the talk and yet not walk the self love walk. Learning to truly accept and love myself in all of my imperfect glory is a journey I am still on.  

Learning to be vulnerable, to not know, to feel inept, to hurt, to be afraid, to cry again - at one point in my life I had not cried for YEARS - boy when that stuff started to surface I cried oceans of tears.  I didn't have to know what I was crying about either - the story doesn't matter, the healing release and clearing out the stagnant emotional debris is the only thing that matters.  A very dear friend, mentor and deeply conscious Yoga teacher of mine told me don't over analyse or unpack and dwell in it, just let it out and move on.  The monkey mind loves to get busy in its own shit and honestly I think my mind was a whole tribe of monkeys rolling in that.  I am learning to not go there.  

No matter what point in your recovery journey you are on, just know that unless you get really real, recovery cannot happen.  

The old imagined reward for me  in recovery was only about me losing lots of weight. That no longer motivates me.  Today I just want the benefit of knowing myself - the good, the bad and the ugly - still loving myself.  Not numbing myself with food, alcohol, shopping or whatever other negative nonsense I was inflicting on myself.  Getting real is bringing me that special gift of self acceptance and yes of course my weight is normalising as a consequence, but it is not my whole focus. 

Food was not my issue it was my solution.  One moment at a time I no longer need a solution in that form because I am developing a true love and respect for my body that I never had.  I want to love and care for me.  That's new!!!

For some reason today I felt moved to write again. I hope that someone somewhere benefits from this share and that it helps them to understand that to get well means to get real. 

This Too Shall Pass

You can be fairly certain when I've gone quiet on my blog that something's going down in my life.  I have been pondering what life has thrown at me lately and the impact it has had on each aspect of my recovery journey. 

Recovery from Food Addiction - as with any addiction - needs a three pronged approach to ensure a strong, stable recovery: physical (dealing with the substance of addiction and the damage it causes on a physical level); emotional/mental (recognising the effect on your thought processes, mood and temper) and spiritual (developing your own belief system, as well as nurturing your personal contact with a Higher Power of your choice, surrendering to what is in each moment). 

So what's going down? Well, while I am revelling in my home alone time, my higher self has seen fit to 'invite' me to face unresolved demons that I've managed to avoid/deny through my years of busyness.  It has been made very clear to me there are two main areas in my recovery journey that need further, urgent attention.

Physically, this last 6 months has seen a marked increase in the osteoarthritis I have in my right hip, along with inflammation throughout different areas of my body. Unfortunately I am going to have to have a hip replacement as I am in constant pain and stiffness, finding it increasingly difficult to walk unaided, especially on days where the inflammation in my system flares up. 

Having been an avid gym member and exerciser to now, at times, need the support of my friends to walk, or to reach for pieces of furniture around my home to support me, has been difficult to say the least.  I have had to accept what is and realise that while I am in a bit of physical trouble, I can change to Plan B and work where I am with what I have and am still attending private yoga sessions twice a week and pool walking.  Digging deep to find the will to keep going is not easy when in constant pain of physical turmoil, but the alternative is unthinkable. 

As you can imagine, this situation has been excruciatingly confronting, entirely humbling and brought me kicking and screaming (literally) to a deep point of surrender that I did not know existed.

The strange thing is that as far as my food plan is concerned in all of this, things have been the most balanced they have ever been and I am losing weight. Pain is a wonderful teacher that has certainly brought me to complete surrender.  Never ignore your body's communication as eventually it will stop you in your tracks to make sure you listen!

The second area of my recovery that needed attention was of an emotional/mental nature and all to do with the bogeyman of my life - Fear.  I realised that a lot of what I did, or did not do, was still driven by an almost imperceptible level of fear.

Being able to be still most days enabled my subconscious to bring these fears to the surface, shedding the light of day on deeply entrenched fearful attitudes that needed healing. 

Needless to say this shift going on in my life has demanded reflection, retreat and release.  By default this has deepened my conscious contact with my Higher Power through meditation, reading, listening and ensuring self care. 

In sharing this with you, I wanted to highlight that even in life's hard yards, recovery from addiction is still achievable.  Recovery does not have to be pretty or easy or smooth sailing for it to be classed as strong recovery.  In fact, in my humble opinion, surviving the rough patches of life abstinent/sober/drug free is a clear indication of the strength of your recovery journey.

Just remember, if life for you is difficult at this point in time - keep on keeping on, one day at a time, surrendering to each moment, because this too shall pass.