It amazes me how after all this time and all the awareness I have about the disease of compulsive overeating, that I can still get caught out.
I realise that one of the most negatively ingrained habits/symptoms I tend to suffer from is ignoring when I am feeling out of sorts. I am baffled at this seeming denial of the fact that I am restless, irritable or discontent because I know the dangerous consequences that happen around my eating when I am blind to my feelings.
This past few days I have had to get myself back into the daily routine of being alone with Caragh and all that entails; having to think about the times that I can and can't go out, or plan when to have carers come so I can have some me time, then continue with all the important future planning for Caragh's life, changing her weekly timetable, employing new carers etc.. and all the other normal life stuff we experience on top of her personal care, as well as looking after myself and trying to find balance in the craziness.
Needless to say I have felt my energy dropping, my attitude slipping and my eating increasing and can you believe that I actually hear myself saying.. "I don't know what's wrong with me, why am I eating compulsively, everything is fine..."
I grew up thinking that feeling negative emotions was the worst sin I could commit. Having that stoic Scottish upbringing, while good on the one hand, was a handicap on the other. I learned from a very young age not to express my negative feelings. However, eventually they needed to be expressed and unfortunately for me came out shouting by way of panic attacks and childhood/teenage anxiety neurosis. I didn't want to say how I truly felt because I thought I would be judged harshly, laughed at or ridiculed and so I internalised those negative emotions which which eventually ate away at me to the point where I used food for comfort.
Comfort eating became my anti anxiety drug. It distracted me from the negative thinking that was swirling around my brain. It gave me a false sense of security, it numbed the pain and it was always there whenever I needed it to be. I know how crazy that sounds, but that is the insanity of addiction; giving a substance imagined power to save you from all the seemingly bad **ish going on in your life.
Addiction is so tiring. Addiction itself, on the other hand, is tireless. It is patient, always waiting for the cracks in my armour; tiredness, anxiety, loneliness, you name it, addiction is there with bells on. While the lessons I continue to learn are not always the nice happy-go-lucky, feel good, Aha moment type of lessons, they are nonetheless life saving lessons.
This time it has only taken a few days for me to pin point what is going on emotionally. In the past I would have remained ignorant of what was happening and this situation could have led me into a full blown relapse. I have said it so many times now: I do not have another relapse left in me. I go back there, I die. My body will not take another compulsive binge into relapse and I have no choice but to work through the negative emotions and ride out the storms that are a part of normal living.
Do not let whatever's eating at you, eat you alive. Get in touch with your emotions, give yourself some consideration and positive attention. Talk to someone and know that this too shall pass. I have and I know that soon enough I will be enjoying the fruits of having ridden out this little storm on my journey of recovery.
