Losing Control

I've realised that not only am I a recovering food addict, but I am also a recovering control freak!!  

I don't know about you, but the thought of being out of control of anything in my life used to fill me with utter dread.

If my beds were not made properly, cushions not sitting nice and pretty on the couch, or when driving without a plan for my exact route, I would suffer intense anxiety, verging on panic or feel like a total failure. 

Back when all that anxiety neurosis was at its peak in my life, the only way I knew how to cope or get relief from all those negative emotions was to eat something sweet, which of course set the compulsive eating ball well and truly rolling... out of control!

It never ceases to amaze me that my craving for control was unable to help in my overeating.  Addiction in all its forms is extremely powerful and no amount of intelligence, thinking or planning ever stopped the progression of my compulsive overeating.  

The only thing that has EVER stopped that fatal progression was total surrender.  

Giving up all control.  Not trying. Only listening to those who walked the walk.  Getting totally and utterly honest with myself about all the ways in which I tried to control not having to surrender.  Not needing to know why?? all the time. Not hating myself.  Facing my fears and doing it anyway.  

The last 18 months of my journey have been all about that type of surrender.  Let me tell you it was pretty ugly at times, but it was needed to break through the stubborn, fear filled and addictive thinking that I was entrenched in. 

Please don't think for a minute I am anywhere close to being totally surrendered at all times, I think that only comes when we take our last breath, but today I am willing to do what needs to be done in this moment to remain in a state of recovery. 

It's such an oxymoron that we need to lose control to gain control, but truly that is exactly what happens.  When I no longer had the food/calorie/exercise gremlins fighting in my head trying to control everything,  my eating became balanced, my thinking around food normalised and I found a way of eating that worked for me.  

So, my fellow food addicts and control freaks, I hope this resonates with those of you who may be fighting the losing control battle with your food right now - do yourself a favour and surrender this fight - it will be the beginning of a healthier, happier future, free from active food addiction and the need to control the minutiae of your life.  

Getting Real

I haven't written on here since February, not because I'm forgetting my blog, but because it was time for me to get real with myself - not with friends, family, colleagues, online blog readers, Facebook or Instagram. Just me. 

The journey I have been on has been raw; challenging and humbling. 

I realised that because I am good with words, love to write, tell stories and share, that my focus was not fully on what really needed working on.  All of this outward communication was actually a way for me to avoid getting to the nitty gritty stuff of my life that needed healing.  My ego also loved the attention and support I was getting and gave me a false sense of self worth.  The only person's thoughts about me that I need to concern myself with are my own.  It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinions and ideas about me are and I can't control them anyway! 

You know what I have learned in these murky waters?  I know nothing. I mean I can write about addiction, I can write about psychology, spirituality and counselling and yes the things I have written are my knowledge, experience, strength and hope, but as the old bible saying goes - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not (self) love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal". 

I am not shaming myself or discounting the intent and content in my previous posts, but I am getting real about how I could talk the talk and yet not walk the self love walk. Learning to truly accept and love myself in all of my imperfect glory is a journey I am still on.  

Learning to be vulnerable, to not know, to feel inept, to hurt, to be afraid, to cry again - at one point in my life I had not cried for YEARS - boy when that stuff started to surface I cried oceans of tears.  I didn't have to know what I was crying about either - the story doesn't matter, the healing release and clearing out the stagnant emotional debris is the only thing that matters.  A very dear friend, mentor and deeply conscious Yoga teacher of mine told me don't over analyse or unpack and dwell in it, just let it out and move on.  The monkey mind loves to get busy in its own shit and honestly I think my mind was a whole tribe of monkeys rolling in that.  I am learning to not go there.  

No matter what point in your recovery journey you are on, just know that unless you get really real, recovery cannot happen.  

The old imagined reward for me  in recovery was only about me losing lots of weight. That no longer motivates me.  Today I just want the benefit of knowing myself - the good, the bad and the ugly - still loving myself.  Not numbing myself with food, alcohol, shopping or whatever other negative nonsense I was inflicting on myself.  Getting real is bringing me that special gift of self acceptance and yes of course my weight is normalising as a consequence, but it is not my whole focus. 

Food was not my issue it was my solution.  One moment at a time I no longer need a solution in that form because I am developing a true love and respect for my body that I never had.  I want to love and care for me.  That's new!!!

For some reason today I felt moved to write again. I hope that someone somewhere benefits from this share and that it helps them to understand that to get well means to get real. 

This Too Shall Pass

You can be fairly certain when I've gone quiet on my blog that something's going down in my life.  I have been pondering what life has thrown at me lately and the impact it has had on each aspect of my recovery journey. 

Recovery from Food Addiction - as with any addiction - needs a three pronged approach to ensure a strong, stable recovery: physical (dealing with the substance of addiction and the damage it causes on a physical level); emotional/mental (recognising the effect on your thought processes, mood and temper) and spiritual (developing your own belief system, as well as nurturing your personal contact with a Higher Power of your choice, surrendering to what is in each moment). 

So what's going down? Well, while I am revelling in my home alone time, my higher self has seen fit to 'invite' me to face unresolved demons that I've managed to avoid/deny through my years of busyness.  It has been made very clear to me there are two main areas in my recovery journey that need further, urgent attention.

Physically, this last 6 months has seen a marked increase in the osteoarthritis I have in my right hip, along with inflammation throughout different areas of my body. Unfortunately I am going to have to have a hip replacement as I am in constant pain and stiffness, finding it increasingly difficult to walk unaided, especially on days where the inflammation in my system flares up. 

Having been an avid gym member and exerciser to now, at times, need the support of my friends to walk, or to reach for pieces of furniture around my home to support me, has been difficult to say the least.  I have had to accept what is and realise that while I am in a bit of physical trouble, I can change to Plan B and work where I am with what I have and am still attending private yoga sessions twice a week and pool walking.  Digging deep to find the will to keep going is not easy when in constant pain of physical turmoil, but the alternative is unthinkable. 

As you can imagine, this situation has been excruciatingly confronting, entirely humbling and brought me kicking and screaming (literally) to a deep point of surrender that I did not know existed.

The strange thing is that as far as my food plan is concerned in all of this, things have been the most balanced they have ever been and I am losing weight. Pain is a wonderful teacher that has certainly brought me to complete surrender.  Never ignore your body's communication as eventually it will stop you in your tracks to make sure you listen!

The second area of my recovery that needed attention was of an emotional/mental nature and all to do with the bogeyman of my life - Fear.  I realised that a lot of what I did, or did not do, was still driven by an almost imperceptible level of fear.

Being able to be still most days enabled my subconscious to bring these fears to the surface, shedding the light of day on deeply entrenched fearful attitudes that needed healing. 

Needless to say this shift going on in my life has demanded reflection, retreat and release.  By default this has deepened my conscious contact with my Higher Power through meditation, reading, listening and ensuring self care. 

In sharing this with you, I wanted to highlight that even in life's hard yards, recovery from addiction is still achievable.  Recovery does not have to be pretty or easy or smooth sailing for it to be classed as strong recovery.  In fact, in my humble opinion, surviving the rough patches of life abstinent/sober/drug free is a clear indication of the strength of your recovery journey.

Just remember, if life for you is difficult at this point in time - keep on keeping on, one day at a time, surrendering to each moment, because this too shall pass.

The Smiling Assassin

When on the road to recovery from active addiction, we are oftentimes challenged by the myriad of relationships we encounter in our lives and can sometimes feel at a loss as to how to deal with them, without turning to food!  Today I want to share on how best to deal with the passive aggressive personality disorder,  how to recognise it and how to keep your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery in tact. 

The psychology of personality and behavioural disorders has always fascinated me: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its cyclical patterns that are extremely difficult to handle if on the receiving end within an NPD relationship; Anxiety Neurosis (a behavioural disorder) that can be overcome with cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling and spiritual healing - which I myself can attest to, having suffered in the past; and Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder which will only get better when the person recognises their own anger/resentment/jealousy and psychological pain, then work towards healing their inner angst. 

The latter of these has really sparked my interest over the past few months in particular because I have found myself subjected to this type of behaviour.  While it is disconcerting, I am very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to deal with these situations as it has given me hands on real life practice for when I begin to offer holistic counselling to others on conclusion of my studies. 

The types of behaviours exhibited by passive aggressive people can vary but in general they tend to be very subtle, underhand and can leave you with a feeling of confusion e.g. you might realise, after the fact, that veiled criticisms or digs have happened within a seemingly innocent conversation and you're left thinking - "what was that all about ??" 

Passive aggressiveness is associated with a particular psychological personality disorder stemming from years of perceived under-appreciation and bitterness, a character flaw brought on by a person's inability to deal with their own bitterness, anger, or resentment in an assertive manner, thus, displaying a more passive form of hostility.

There are many ways in which PA can present, e.g. deliberate procrastination, intentional mistakes, resentment of the demands of others, complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation, hostile attitudes and disguising criticism with compliments. 

The excerpt below from an article in Psychology Today outlines the havoc created and destructive nature of passive aggressive behaviours:

"In the short term, passive aggressive behaviours can be more convenient than confrontation and generally require less skill than assertiveness. They allow a person to exact revenge from behind the safety of plausible excuses and to sit on the sofa all weekend long rather than complete a list of undesirable chores. So, what’s not to love? Truth be told, while momentarily satisfying or briefly convenient, in the long run, passive aggressive behaviour is even more destructive to interpersonal relationships than aggression. Over time, virtually all relationships with a person who is passive aggressive become confusing, destructive and dysfunctional."

Having the tools to handle negative situations within relationships when they occur is of paramount importance to a compulsive overeater - we tend to blindly eat over negative emotions and before we know it we are on the slippery slope to relapse. 

Maintaining our spiritual connection with our Higher Power and surrendering the need to fix or control the circumstance, will ensure that we don't fall into emotional binge eating or stuffing our faces due to the discomfort of resentment.

Always be mindful that there are smiling assassins in this world, trust your gut instinct if you find yourself in situations where you feel something is not quite right.   Being consciously aware will allow you to see the person's fractured mental health state and therefore help you to avoid being offended or falling into resentment yourself. 

Personal boundaries are essential in dealing with people with personality disorders, so avoid the toxic behaviours, remove yourself from situations whereby you could be a target for aggression and always maintain your dignity. 

Our recovery has to be number one over every scenario that life throws at us.  Dealing with people with personality disorders is commonplace and all we can do to maintain serenity and balance in our own lives is keep our side of the street clean, love ourselves first and not allow destructive psychological behaviour to interfere with our recovery path. 

Boundaries Baby!

Being a bit of a rebel at heart I used to balk at boundaries - even those I set myself!  I resisted so much internally - to my detriment. Being that wee bit older now (and hopefully wiser), my perspective has come full circle in massive favour of boundary setting. I learned there are very good reasons to do so in the bigger picture of my life, the relationships I have and the positive effect in managing my emotional eating response. 

Part of the trouble I had created for myself was not setting personal boundaries around the way I allowed others to treat me, manipulate me, put me down, or 'use' me because I was such a people pleaser. Saying "No" or standing up for myself was just not something I practiced in support of myself back then.

  

 

Today, trusting my gut instinct, listening to my inner alarm bell clanging or the instant 'WTF' reaction,  are all indicators from my inner self that a personal boundary has well and truly been crossed. It is a wonderful thing to become aware of those breaches as it indicates a centred presence and high level of self care and respect. 

Fine tuning those indicators is so important, as is trusting them, because many times the people breaking the boundaries are those closest to you; you find yourself questioning whether it was your imagination, or whether you are too sensitive, or justifying wrong behaviour - after all 'they really just care, that's why they say things like that' - NONSENSE!!! 

Nine times out of ten, alarm bell ringing behaviours are totally inappropriate. Unfortunately the perpetrators are not at a level of personal growth and awareness to know that their tactlessness and comments are inappropriate or downright offensive.  

In the past when I allowed or enabled those types of negative situations it would inevitably end up with me binge eating a whole bunch of sweet stuff to soothe the discomfort I felt and basically adding to the mistreatment of myself.  I had to learn how to stand up for myself and love myself enough in order to put a stop to the negativity I'd previously enabled. 

Below are some examples of personal boundaries crossed and the type of response I have today, which is not food centred:

• Ever so slightly negative comments/judgements about the way you live your life and your personal circumstances.  
• This is my life to live and mine alone. I am aware enough to know that having an opinion about how others live their lives is absolutely none of my business. Keeping my opinions to myself, focusing on my own life and being the best person I can be is the kindest, most caring and respectful way I can treat myself in this circumstance.   

• Veiled or direct put downs of certain friends/people in your life.
• I enjoy a variety of friends. I understand that not all my friends are going to be friends with each other, however,  I won't stand for negative talk from one friend about another. If that proves too difficult, then I remove myself from the put down path of the person negatively commenting. I wont be manipulated by gossip or lies.  I choose today to only surround myself with people who have my highest good in mind. 

• Passive aggressive comments about the kind of help you receive, be it from doctors, teachers, psychologists, counsellors or friends e.g. "Are you sure that is the best kind of help you are receiving.. after all they are not x, y, z or as good as a, b or c." - "I think you should do this or that"  "You would be best to do it my way because..." 
• When I seek help for myself in any way shape or form, I do a load of research and I choose the best fit for me. It might not be your choice, or what you think I should do, but that is not my concern. Gone are the days of me swaying my opinion to please everyone else except myself! 

• The caring/smiling assassin - you know the kind I mean! 
• These people are dangerous.  They are the kind of people who will draw you in with their feigned care and half listening ear, only to end up gossiping about you or using what you've shared against you.  Today I keep well away from that type of person, thankfully my radar is so fine tuned I can spot them a mile off! 

• Tactless comments about your body, weight, clothes or the way you look.
• This one always amazes me.  All I can say to those who think it is okay to do this - ask yourself the following question.  "Is what I am about to say something I would like to be said to myself?"  "What is my intent in the comment I am about to make?" "Is all you see when you are with me the size of my body?" Think, people THINK. I truly believe that people who have an issue with my eating disorder and how it plays out in my life have personal issues they should be focusing on instead of my big sexy butt!!  My counsellor advised that when these types of comments are made, it highlights the state of 'emotional rot' within the person making them and all I need to do is have compassion for their mental/emotional sickness. Which is exactly what I do.  

• Controlling comments about the food you eat and how much you eat, or trying to control what you eat.. all in the name of 'supporting you' and 'caring'.
• Let me explain something.  You CANNOT fix a food addict this way, or any way for that matter. Let me make this easy for you -  It is absolutely not your responsibility. Commenting to a food addict about the food they eat, the portion size, the next best diet, the suggestions of ways in which they control their weight is NOT supportive and is NOT caring - it is you being controlling.  Food addicts know more than normal eaters will ever know about nutrition, diet types, portion size, exercise or bariatric surgical interventions. They are experts!! It is a physical affliction with a mental obsession - they know ALL there is to know about this disease they suffer from. They have gone through every single scenario in their head thousands of times.  Can I ask you how you would like to have your every eating moment scrutinised by those around you?   Not pleasant, not appropriate and none of your business!! 

• Negative comments about your belief system
• Having a belief system is a precious gift that I am eternally grateful for.  There are many people in this world who choose not to have a belief system, which is their right to do so. However, when people feel they have the right to ridicule your beliefs at the same time as refusing to listen to your opinion, yet you have to listen to theirs, or they cannot respect your right to your opinion, then you know you're dealing with someone who is full of fear and completely closed off to living a whole life. Never dull your light, or change your way of being in order to appease and comfort someone who does not respect your right to your own beliefs. I personally don't care if you believe in unicorns and rainbows - it's your right and if it is not harming anyone else - I celebrate your right to be you, believing in what you want.

Recovery from food addiction is an ongoing process that goes deeper as time passes.  There has to be a three pronged approach to getting well.  Physical, emotional and spiritual. The most important, in my opinion, is the inner healing and spiritual growth; without them there is no sustainability in physical recovery - I certainly found that out.  Having to go through all of the above, learning to love me first, to stand up for myself before anyone else, is building an unshakeable foundation that leads me to physical recovery as a matter of course. 

Make sure in your recovery journey you get real; be self accepting, self loving, self supporting and set those boundaries - that way your Recovery won't be derailed by negative life circumstances and will be sustainable one moment at a time. 

Back From The Brink

Over the years of yo yo dieting, weight loss, weight gain, food under control, food way out of control, my whole self worth and self esteem were linked to the success of my dieting endeavours.  

If I was losing weight, I felt worthy, I felt good about myself, I felt accepted by others. I felt happy!  

If I didn't lose weight, or ate something I deemed unacceptable, I felt a failure, gutted inside, panic stricken at the thought of that one bite of 'bad food' making me gain weight.  

Giving that much power to food is crazy.  Using food for any other reason than nutrition to my body and enjoying the social aspect of a meal with family or friends is crazy. Eating because I am sad, tired, feeling sick, excited, happy, or to reward myself for a job well done is insane! 

That is the insanity of a food addict's thought processes around food/weight/exercise.  It is such a tiring state of mind to live with.  To be constantly critiquing every morsel of food, every calorie, every bit of exercise you do or don't do.  To mentally rip yourself to shreds and treat yourself with such scathing self loathing because you failed yet again to reach your goal weight.   "I mean for God's sake, how old are you - you should know by now?? How hard can it be?? Just don't eat the food that triggers you, just follow a diet, it's not hard. Why are you so weak ??  You are pathetic, remember how good it felt when you lost weight before??"  On and on and on and on it goes.  Utterly soul destroying.  

Thankfully there can be recovery from such a debilitating condition as food addiction. 

I have been around recovery programmes off and on for many years, experiencing relapse and different levels of recovery, yet there was always something holding me back from fully surrendering to what recovery means for me. Hence this latest setback.

Recently facing myself with brutal self honesty meant that I simply could not hold back any longer. I had to surrender. I had to get real.   Life has a way of bringing you to the brink - and that's where I've been this last year, on the brink. It was excruciating.  It was terrifying and it was absolutely liberating. 

I'm grateful to share that with the support of my counsellor and ever deepening faith in my Higher Power, I am in a TOTALLY different mindset about myself and the disease of food addiction in me.

I am also very grateful for the foundation of the 12 step programme of recovery which I base my recovery on along with a deepening spiritual practice of meditation and yoga.  I had no idea how far I was from the centre and true essence of myself until I surrendered and trusted the process of getting to know and love the real Karen. 

I accept myself - warts and all.  You might have a problem with my weight or how I look. Today I don't.  Why would I not accept myself as I am at this point in time?  I celebrate who I am and think I look fabulous no matter what size I am. It makes me smile from the depths of me that I can say that today and mean it. 

Of course I will continue to be mindful of my health, my heart, back and hip which are sore, and yes I will do what is needed for my physical recovery. Just know that for each individual who has suffered with food addiction, the way in which you attain physical recovery will be unique to you.   You will know what food plan/exercise plan to follow because as you surrender, it will feel the most natural thing in the world for you to do. 

I hope today that you get to experience some relief from the insanity of food addiction and take one moment at a time to step in the right direction of recovery.   You really are worth it.