I've Lost My Mojo

I’ve lost my Mojo. 

This past 10 months has been one of the strangest, saddest, emotionally complex times of my life - and believe me I have been emotionally complex all my life!    I endured anxiety from a young age and panic attacks that were extremely intense from the age of 7-27. The panic attacks thankfully stopped and a lot of counselling, CBT,  self-help/spiritual books, support groups and 12-step work brought a plethora of recovery my way.  

You all know from this blog that I have battled with food for many years - with periods of recovery and then relapse.  While food is a life-giving source for all of us, it is also my daily nemesis.  I have periods where I think/feel/believe I’ve got this addictive behaviour around food under some level of manageability and life feels hopeful, comfortable, peaceful and emotionally calm.  Then the insidious creep begins and I’m left wondering what preceded that slippery slope - thinking I don’t really get why it’s happening again and what on earth else can I do to make all of the above recovery work/therapy/self-help stick once and for all.  

The problem I’m facing today is that I am exhausted by the years of ‘trying’ - the ups and downs, the insanity of being back in the position of having gained weight and I have no Mojo to get started doing anything about it.  

The deep down quiet voice in me is saying - go to the gym, start your yoga again, track your food, cut down on the wine you’re drinking, walk every day.  Remember how good and positive your mind and body felt when you did that. 

Then the loud noisy voice speaks up saying, what’s the point ??! What’s the point when you always end up back at the beginning, having to start over again. You don’t have the energy to do that. 

Do you know how hard it is to lose weight when your body is middle-aged, you’ve been a yo-yo/serial dieter forever, your metabolism is slower than a wet week in jail and your body gains 3 kgs overnight - even after sensible meal choices?  

I feel sooooo DONE; with trying, with every day thinking about what I should and shouldn’t eat, with crucifying myself, with feeling ashamed that all the work people have put into helping me get well has been undone again - and yes I realise that’s my ego keeping me stuck - yes I know every diet/exercise plan out there, but today I have no desire or energy to go down this recovery road yet again. 

Is it my overactive brain trying to keep me from feeling my feelings? Am I using food for comfort and security again ? Or, am I just plain giving up and accepting that I am a person who can’t keep weight off and this is who I am? Love myself this way regardless of the fact I feel uncomfortable and have sore joints and am putting my heart health at risk?? I mean I am an intelligent woman - I know the risks of early death due to overeating and lack of exercise.  What am I doing to myself?

Life happenings of the last 10 months have been hard.  Mum passing away suddenly rocked my world in a way I would never have expected.  Life at home is going to change - that stage of downsizing and sorting out finances and living arrangements has now come and of course there’s also the constant  working/thinking/planning for my darling daughter who needs never-ending support and care to live in this world.  Life is life - we all have one with ‘stuff’ in it.  Do I need to overeat/sabotage my physical/mental health because of it, or am I just tired of trying ?? 

I don’t know what the outcome of any of this is going to be. I feel that I’m possibly in mindless self-sabotage mode and don’t care due to lack of mental energy to deal with it.  

The positives in my life are many; my family, friends, work, dog and the list goes on - I have a lot to be thankful for and I am grateful ...  I do not feel unhappy or sad all the time but moments like this morning come out of the blue ... sitting listening to the radio, musing on last night’s Proclaimers' concert and the tears came, then these words came - at least I honoured the call to write it all down and share.  I know this in itself is a positive step.  

Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.  

When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.

Back From The Brink

Over the years of yo yo dieting, weight loss, weight gain, food under control, food way out of control, my whole self worth and self esteem were linked to the success of my dieting endeavours.  

If I was losing weight, I felt worthy, I felt good about myself, I felt accepted by others. I felt happy!  

If I didn't lose weight, or ate something I deemed unacceptable, I felt a failure, gutted inside, panic stricken at the thought of that one bite of 'bad food' making me gain weight.  

Giving that much power to food is crazy.  Using food for any other reason than nutrition to my body and enjoying the social aspect of a meal with family or friends is crazy. Eating because I am sad, tired, feeling sick, excited, happy, or to reward myself for a job well done is insane! 

That is the insanity of a food addict's thought processes around food/weight/exercise.  It is such a tiring state of mind to live with.  To be constantly critiquing every morsel of food, every calorie, every bit of exercise you do or don't do.  To mentally rip yourself to shreds and treat yourself with such scathing self loathing because you failed yet again to reach your goal weight.   "I mean for God's sake, how old are you - you should know by now?? How hard can it be?? Just don't eat the food that triggers you, just follow a diet, it's not hard. Why are you so weak ??  You are pathetic, remember how good it felt when you lost weight before??"  On and on and on and on it goes.  Utterly soul destroying.  

Thankfully there can be recovery from such a debilitating condition as food addiction. 

I have been around recovery programmes off and on for many years, experiencing relapse and different levels of recovery, yet there was always something holding me back from fully surrendering to what recovery means for me. Hence this latest setback.

Recently facing myself with brutal self honesty meant that I simply could not hold back any longer. I had to surrender. I had to get real.   Life has a way of bringing you to the brink - and that's where I've been this last year, on the brink. It was excruciating.  It was terrifying and it was absolutely liberating. 

I'm grateful to share that with the support of my counsellor and ever deepening faith in my Higher Power, I am in a TOTALLY different mindset about myself and the disease of food addiction in me.

I am also very grateful for the foundation of the 12 step programme of recovery which I base my recovery on along with a deepening spiritual practice of meditation and yoga.  I had no idea how far I was from the centre and true essence of myself until I surrendered and trusted the process of getting to know and love the real Karen. 

I accept myself - warts and all.  You might have a problem with my weight or how I look. Today I don't.  Why would I not accept myself as I am at this point in time?  I celebrate who I am and think I look fabulous no matter what size I am. It makes me smile from the depths of me that I can say that today and mean it. 

Of course I will continue to be mindful of my health, my heart, back and hip which are sore, and yes I will do what is needed for my physical recovery. Just know that for each individual who has suffered with food addiction, the way in which you attain physical recovery will be unique to you.   You will know what food plan/exercise plan to follow because as you surrender, it will feel the most natural thing in the world for you to do. 

I hope today that you get to experience some relief from the insanity of food addiction and take one moment at a time to step in the right direction of recovery.   You really are worth it. 

The Struggle is Real - The Solution is Real Too!

Over the last 9 months I have been struggling with my food addiction.  I can now see clearly what has happened and want to share this with you to prevent you falling down the same black hole of food addiction relapse. Hindsight really is a wonderful thing. 

It started with visitors in September, then again in October, which always plays havoc with food plans.  I then took over management of my daughter's disability funding which meant I had to employ my own carers and arrange a weekly schedule for her.  This was and still is a positive choice, but it came with a mountain of extra work - the extent of which I was not prepared for.  Next, I sold a house - all that admin, real estate stuff was ridiculous and before I knew it Christmas was upon me and you KNOW what that silly season is like!

After all the festivities it was time to purchase a place for my daughter which meant literally months of evening hours on the computer searching for the perfect home. Finally, in February that home was purchased (more real estate stuff!) 

Planning now was of the utmost importance as to what we needed to buy for her home set up, how we would work a 24 hour roster of care into her week and applying for more funding to help finance this massive undertaking.  My stress levels were through the roof.  

Apart from all the physical and mental input over this period of time, the emotional toll was enormous and spiritually .. well that came in the form of a couple of Gin and Tonics every evening, not my usual morning hour of meditation.  

I was totally ignoring my needs, my health, my emotions, my vital need for spiritual connection and any caring advice that came my way - after all I knew best what to do for my daughter and I love her so much and really all the thinking power behind all of this had to come from me because I am the one that knows her the best!!   You get the picture don't you? 

The insidious increase in my appetite was duly noted and promptly put to the back of my mind. I ignored the fact that I had fallen into addictive behaviours: the panacea of  'using' food to cope with life and all it had thrown at me was my deeply ingrained 'go to' response for coping.  

Do you see how cunning, baffling and powerful the addictive response is? Have you read my previous posts that said "I don't have another relapse in me" "if I go down this road again it will kill me" ?  All that head knowledge and .. so I thought.. heart knowledge did not stop me.  Sub consciously I knew what was happening, I was aware enough to know I had 'shelved' my inner guide and allowed my 'ego' to keep on doing what it needed to do because she knew best!!  A complete recipe for disaster. 

Today I am able to sit and write for the first time in months, I am able to see clearly the path I was heading down.  I have gained weight again, I have sore back and hips again, however, my darling daughter has moved out and I have - for the first time in 24 years - TIME.  Time and energy for myself.  Time to sit and meditate, read, reflect, get real, practice yoga, plan my exercise classes and give myself the love, nurture and spiritual sustenance that I cannot live without.  All those are the positive panaceas that I need to practice one day at a time until they become second nature and my natural "go to" response in recovery.

Emotional Messiness

Sometimes the recovery journey feels really messy and the only way out of it is through it.  There is nothing 'nice' or 'happy' about this head space.  It feels like an emotional roller coaster of, anger, sadness, loneliness, tiredness, frustration and a whole lot of other adjectives that we use to describe our emotions. Yet, there is not one thing that I can attribute to this state of being at this point in time. 

In Caragh's childhood and early teenage years, her body always let me know when things were not right with her.  In fact I could predict when she was coming down with a tummy bug, or a cold, or an ear infection, because in the couple of weeks prior to her getting sick her dystonia would play up; her face would pull to one side, her little torso would flick, her legs would not coordinate, she would be drooling an awful lot more than was usual and she would have little 'time outs'.  As sure as the sun rises she would come down with some childhood illness after displaying those symptoms. The positive in all of that was I was able to intervene by doing as much as I could to keep her well and hopefully minimise the effects of her sickness. 

I can see that I too experience much the same indicators with my emotions and my body.  In the past couple of weeks there have been definite pointers that something not quite right is going on with me emotionally.  I have been slipping with my food, I have been obsessing about calories and exercise, I have been slipping with my meditation time, as well as times of slipping into negative thinking and the 'poor me's'. 

This emotional messiness encroaches on my serenity, my peace of mind and my joy and let me tell you that grabs my attention. While I wish I'd recognised those alarm bells a couple of weeks ago, it is at least a good thing that I am seeing things more clearly today.  I need to be very aware   when my body, mind and spirit try to get my attention in this manner, or there is the very real chance of total relapse. 

For a lasting daily recovery from this threefold disease of food addiction it is essential that I take care of myself on a physical, emotional and spiritual level and the following are non-negotiable, must-do's when I am feeling like this:

I need to share how I am feeling to another human being who 'gets' this disease
I need to get honest about my feelings
I need to feel the feelings
I need to sit with myself quietly and listen to what my gut instinct is telling me 
I need to surrender my food choices every moment if need be
I need to maintain my spiritual connection with my higher power
I need to always be authentic and do only what is right for my highest good

Times like this show me that this disease of addiction is always sitting, quietly waiting to pounce into action when I least expect it and is why I have to maintain my spiritual connection on a daily basis in order to prevent things sliding out of control.  

It's great to write when things are all hunky dory and plain sailing, but really the honest guts of my recovery is shining the light into that dark hole of my soul that at times still cries out to be filled with food. Bringing that hidden 'stuff' out of hiding is paramount to my abstinence from compulsive eating, my peace of mind and my happiness, and the only way forward is "bloody f***ing through it" as my Yoga teacher so succinctly puts it! 

An Unmanageable Life

Grappling with the concept that my life had become unmanageable due to food addiction did not sit easily with me.  It was an insult to the superwoman I saw myself as. After all, I am a Mother who, between the ages of 21-26, gave birth to four children. My youngest child has special needs. I worked part-time and full-time at different points throughout the years of child rearing. I kept house, cooked, cleaned, exercised, socialised and helped others.  In fact I was a very very busy lady, so how on earth could my life be unmanageable? How dare anyone try to tell me I don't know how to manage my life. I am Mrs Super-organiser extraordinaire!

It took a huge amount of humility and deep self reflection to understand that an unmanageable life comes in a myriad of forms and that at the height of my active disease my life most definitely was off the scale with unmanageability. 

My unmanageability was plain for all to see. In the way it was displayed on my physique. In the size of the portions I would consume. In the way I used to hide food and eat when nobody was around. In the reasons I ate: to soothe pain; to celebrate; to commiserate; to calm anxiety; to cope with stress; in eating when I didn't want to.  I continued to compulsively eat when I knew my body size was beginning to harm me. In fact, I now realise I ate to ignore the truth of my emotional dysfunction at that time. 

Insanely, I also believed that I could easily lose weight if I just put my mind to it. I bought every diet book in the world (ok a slight exaggeration, but close enough). I tried every form of exercise.  I had a crushingly low self-esteem that I hid from everyone by being gregarious, outgoing and seemingly full of life, love and laughter (I think I deserve an Oscar actually), only to get behind closed doors and fall into the black hole of my physically, emotionally and spiritually sick self. I suffered panic attacks from the age of 7 until 27 and ate my way through that whole time to cope with the torturous terror I was feeling. I had body dysmorphia - when I was thin/normal weight I thought I was fat, when I was morbidly obese I thought I was curvy!!  I had no concept of what I actually looked like.  

For those who lived in recovery from food addiction,  the insanity of my situation was crystal clear and in order for me to survive it was of utmost importance that I began to see with the same level of clarity.  

Today I can look back with gratitude for the turmoil I experienced.  It has made me who I am today and enables me to know without a shadow of a doubt what it feels like for people that are still suffering with active food addiction. 

There are not enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I am for the recovered people in my life who extended the hand of help and friendship to me. No judgement, sneering, or put downs, only a complete understanding of how addiction was affecting my life and an offer of a better way of life with loving guidance towards the healing of that black hole in my soul.  

Choosing recovery is the most courageous and positive life changing decision I have ever made. It is also the hardest work I have ever carried out, but the benefits far outweigh one second in active compulsive eating.  Emotions are healed, spirituality is deepened, self development and awareness is a daily practice and the icing on the cake (pardon the pun) is that my physical self is now experiencing wellness and healing.  

There is no greater gift you can give yourself than allowing your recovery program to guide your life into balance and alignment for your highest good. 

Take an honest look at where your life is and decide to make the change today.  Manageability in recovery ROCKS!!!