Maybe it's Time

I went to see the movie A Star is Born a couple of weeks ago and since then have listened to the soundtrack on many occasions - it's just brilliant!  One track in particular that I keep listening to and which resonates deeply with me is 
'Maybe it's Time.' 

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change a man

Hell, it takes a lot to try

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Some folks just believe in the things they've heard

And the things they read

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from

I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good

But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here

You know I would, you know I would

Nobody speaks to God these days

Nobody speaks to God these days

I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways

Nobody speaks to God these days

When I was a child they tried to fool me

Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real

Well, I've seen hell in Reno

And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel

Spinnin' still

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change your plans

Hella drain to change your mind

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Oh, maybe it's time to let the old ways die

The whole song, for me,  depicts the emotional, mental and physical journey of an addict.  No matter what that addiction is, there is always an internal quandary going on, questioning whether letting go of the old to make way for the new is going to help. 

Addiction will always want the upper hand, to gain control, so when it senses you're at the point of total surrender, it will up the quandary ante until you end up going over things in your head ad infinitum, not knowing where to start.   

In the throes of addiction, a relapsed state, or coming out of that relapsed state,  there is a lot of fear involved, a lot of shame, a lot of questioning everything you've ever read or been told with regard to your situation and, personally,  because I know all there is to know about diet/exercise/nutrition/health/12step programs/what I should and should not eat/what way of eating works best and what does not,  it has led me to a point of .. what does it matter what I need to learn now, whatever it is I have to surrender - again - to an even deeper level.  

Addiction is an insidious demon that will only be quieted one moment at a time while in a state of awareness. When something/someone is described as Insidious it means they/it is "working or spreading harm in a subtle or stealthy manner; awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous; harmful but enticing.  Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent."   Webster Dictionary.  

There is no better description of the manner in which addiction works than this definition. 

Addiction is extremely patient and hoodwinks us into thinking we are in recovery, that we can manage our addiction, or we can just have that one bite/drink/drug.  We are fooled into thinking because we can control our eating/drinking/drug taking to some level and our lives are not falling down around us that somehow we are in control - not addicts. 

This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It is not a respecter of intelligence, status in the community or religious/spiritual background.  It is a destroyer of lives, families and communities and there are many levels .. just because you are not the homeless drunk on the streets, 700 pounds overweight with a failing heart, or continuing to work while using drugs, does not mean that you are not an addict.  It just means you have not got to that low point YET.  It will happen at some stage (remember how patient Addiction is) unless there is a total surrender to a power greater than yourself - whatever that power may be.  

I've been brought to the stage of truly wanting to let the old ways die; to stop the obsessive thinking and surrender, to do the next right thing for myself and my recovery without any expectations as to what that will look like.  I hope too for my fellow sufferers of addiction of any kind and at any level, that you too can be brought to the point of surrender which lets the old ways die, where you strike up a conversation with 'God' and try to live one moment at a time, free from the insidious disease of addiction.     

Remember - It's Nothing to do With You

I'd like to share a short snippet from this book  that I'm reading just now - it surely is giving me a lot of spiritual food for thought.

I love to read about and develop my spirituality.  I enjoy that side of life; take solace in the quiet moments, joy in the awe filled moments and can clearly see that there is more to this life than the physical and mental realm we live our lives in each day; there is SO much more than the mind/ego that we all have in spades. 

Having a concept of the otherworldly aspect of our existence can at times leave you open to ridicule and disrespect from those who do not think or feel the same as you do.

Being on the receiving end of this type of reaction a few times in my life,  I've had to ask myself:  what makes this person so afraid? What makes them so adamant  that the spiritual/religious/faithful side of my life is nonsense? Why do they feel the need to dissuade me from my truth with their opinions?

What you can be sure of is this type of behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is solely to do with the person's own perspective on life, their ego and their fear.  There is absolutely no need to take any of their opinions personally.

Remember, an opinion is not the truth. 

Allow others the right to be who they are, with their own beliefs and opinions and you will remain in a place of dignified serenity with peace of mind and spirit.

When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.

Losing Control

I've realised that not only am I a recovering food addict, but I am also a recovering control freak!!  

I don't know about you, but the thought of being out of control of anything in my life used to fill me with utter dread.

If my beds were not made properly, cushions not sitting nice and pretty on the couch, or when driving without a plan for my exact route, I would suffer intense anxiety, verging on panic or feel like a total failure. 

Back when all that anxiety neurosis was at its peak in my life, the only way I knew how to cope or get relief from all those negative emotions was to eat something sweet, which of course set the compulsive eating ball well and truly rolling... out of control!

It never ceases to amaze me that my craving for control was unable to help in my overeating.  Addiction in all its forms is extremely powerful and no amount of intelligence, thinking or planning ever stopped the progression of my compulsive overeating.  

The only thing that has EVER stopped that fatal progression was total surrender.  

Giving up all control.  Not trying. Only listening to those who walked the walk.  Getting totally and utterly honest with myself about all the ways in which I tried to control not having to surrender.  Not needing to know why?? all the time. Not hating myself.  Facing my fears and doing it anyway.  

The last 18 months of my journey have been all about that type of surrender.  Let me tell you it was pretty ugly at times, but it was needed to break through the stubborn, fear filled and addictive thinking that I was entrenched in. 

Please don't think for a minute I am anywhere close to being totally surrendered at all times, I think that only comes when we take our last breath, but today I am willing to do what needs to be done in this moment to remain in a state of recovery. 

It's such an oxymoron that we need to lose control to gain control, but truly that is exactly what happens.  When I no longer had the food/calorie/exercise gremlins fighting in my head trying to control everything,  my eating became balanced, my thinking around food normalised and I found a way of eating that worked for me.  

So, my fellow food addicts and control freaks, I hope this resonates with those of you who may be fighting the losing control battle with your food right now - do yourself a favour and surrender this fight - it will be the beginning of a healthier, happier future, free from active food addiction and the need to control the minutiae of your life.  

Getting Real

I haven't written on here since February, not because I'm forgetting my blog, but because it was time for me to get real with myself - not with friends, family, colleagues, online blog readers, Facebook or Instagram. Just me. 

The journey I have been on has been raw; challenging and humbling. 

I realised that because I am good with words, love to write, tell stories and share, that my focus was not fully on what really needed working on.  All of this outward communication was actually a way for me to avoid getting to the nitty gritty stuff of my life that needed healing.  My ego also loved the attention and support I was getting and gave me a false sense of self worth.  The only person's thoughts about me that I need to concern myself with are my own.  It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinions and ideas about me are and I can't control them anyway! 

You know what I have learned in these murky waters?  I know nothing. I mean I can write about addiction, I can write about psychology, spirituality and counselling and yes the things I have written are my knowledge, experience, strength and hope, but as the old bible saying goes - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not (self) love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal". 

I am not shaming myself or discounting the intent and content in my previous posts, but I am getting real about how I could talk the talk and yet not walk the self love walk. Learning to truly accept and love myself in all of my imperfect glory is a journey I am still on.  

Learning to be vulnerable, to not know, to feel inept, to hurt, to be afraid, to cry again - at one point in my life I had not cried for YEARS - boy when that stuff started to surface I cried oceans of tears.  I didn't have to know what I was crying about either - the story doesn't matter, the healing release and clearing out the stagnant emotional debris is the only thing that matters.  A very dear friend, mentor and deeply conscious Yoga teacher of mine told me don't over analyse or unpack and dwell in it, just let it out and move on.  The monkey mind loves to get busy in its own shit and honestly I think my mind was a whole tribe of monkeys rolling in that.  I am learning to not go there.  

No matter what point in your recovery journey you are on, just know that unless you get really real, recovery cannot happen.  

The old imagined reward for me  in recovery was only about me losing lots of weight. That no longer motivates me.  Today I just want the benefit of knowing myself - the good, the bad and the ugly - still loving myself.  Not numbing myself with food, alcohol, shopping or whatever other negative nonsense I was inflicting on myself.  Getting real is bringing me that special gift of self acceptance and yes of course my weight is normalising as a consequence, but it is not my whole focus. 

Food was not my issue it was my solution.  One moment at a time I no longer need a solution in that form because I am developing a true love and respect for my body that I never had.  I want to love and care for me.  That's new!!!

For some reason today I felt moved to write again. I hope that someone somewhere benefits from this share and that it helps them to understand that to get well means to get real. 

This Too Shall Pass

You can be fairly certain when I've gone quiet on my blog that something's going down in my life.  I have been pondering what life has thrown at me lately and the impact it has had on each aspect of my recovery journey. 

Recovery from Food Addiction - as with any addiction - needs a three pronged approach to ensure a strong, stable recovery: physical (dealing with the substance of addiction and the damage it causes on a physical level); emotional/mental (recognising the effect on your thought processes, mood and temper) and spiritual (developing your own belief system, as well as nurturing your personal contact with a Higher Power of your choice, surrendering to what is in each moment). 

So what's going down? Well, while I am revelling in my home alone time, my higher self has seen fit to 'invite' me to face unresolved demons that I've managed to avoid/deny through my years of busyness.  It has been made very clear to me there are two main areas in my recovery journey that need further, urgent attention.

Physically, this last 6 months has seen a marked increase in the osteoarthritis I have in my right hip, along with inflammation throughout different areas of my body. Unfortunately I am going to have to have a hip replacement as I am in constant pain and stiffness, finding it increasingly difficult to walk unaided, especially on days where the inflammation in my system flares up. 

Having been an avid gym member and exerciser to now, at times, need the support of my friends to walk, or to reach for pieces of furniture around my home to support me, has been difficult to say the least.  I have had to accept what is and realise that while I am in a bit of physical trouble, I can change to Plan B and work where I am with what I have and am still attending private yoga sessions twice a week and pool walking.  Digging deep to find the will to keep going is not easy when in constant pain of physical turmoil, but the alternative is unthinkable. 

As you can imagine, this situation has been excruciatingly confronting, entirely humbling and brought me kicking and screaming (literally) to a deep point of surrender that I did not know existed.

The strange thing is that as far as my food plan is concerned in all of this, things have been the most balanced they have ever been and I am losing weight. Pain is a wonderful teacher that has certainly brought me to complete surrender.  Never ignore your body's communication as eventually it will stop you in your tracks to make sure you listen!

The second area of my recovery that needed attention was of an emotional/mental nature and all to do with the bogeyman of my life - Fear.  I realised that a lot of what I did, or did not do, was still driven by an almost imperceptible level of fear.

Being able to be still most days enabled my subconscious to bring these fears to the surface, shedding the light of day on deeply entrenched fearful attitudes that needed healing. 

Needless to say this shift going on in my life has demanded reflection, retreat and release.  By default this has deepened my conscious contact with my Higher Power through meditation, reading, listening and ensuring self care. 

In sharing this with you, I wanted to highlight that even in life's hard yards, recovery from addiction is still achievable.  Recovery does not have to be pretty or easy or smooth sailing for it to be classed as strong recovery.  In fact, in my humble opinion, surviving the rough patches of life abstinent/sober/drug free is a clear indication of the strength of your recovery journey.

Just remember, if life for you is difficult at this point in time - keep on keeping on, one day at a time, surrendering to each moment, because this too shall pass.

The Smiling Assassin

When on the road to recovery from active addiction, we are oftentimes challenged by the myriad of relationships we encounter in our lives and can sometimes feel at a loss as to how to deal with them, without turning to food!  Today I want to share on how best to deal with the passive aggressive personality disorder,  how to recognise it and how to keep your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery in tact. 

The psychology of personality and behavioural disorders has always fascinated me: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its cyclical patterns that are extremely difficult to handle if on the receiving end within an NPD relationship; Anxiety Neurosis (a behavioural disorder) that can be overcome with cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling and spiritual healing - which I myself can attest to, having suffered in the past; and Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder which will only get better when the person recognises their own anger/resentment/jealousy and psychological pain, then work towards healing their inner angst. 

The latter of these has really sparked my interest over the past few months in particular because I have found myself subjected to this type of behaviour.  While it is disconcerting, I am very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to deal with these situations as it has given me hands on real life practice for when I begin to offer holistic counselling to others on conclusion of my studies. 

The types of behaviours exhibited by passive aggressive people can vary but in general they tend to be very subtle, underhand and can leave you with a feeling of confusion e.g. you might realise, after the fact, that veiled criticisms or digs have happened within a seemingly innocent conversation and you're left thinking - "what was that all about ??" 

Passive aggressiveness is associated with a particular psychological personality disorder stemming from years of perceived under-appreciation and bitterness, a character flaw brought on by a person's inability to deal with their own bitterness, anger, or resentment in an assertive manner, thus, displaying a more passive form of hostility.

There are many ways in which PA can present, e.g. deliberate procrastination, intentional mistakes, resentment of the demands of others, complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation, hostile attitudes and disguising criticism with compliments. 

The excerpt below from an article in Psychology Today outlines the havoc created and destructive nature of passive aggressive behaviours:

"In the short term, passive aggressive behaviours can be more convenient than confrontation and generally require less skill than assertiveness. They allow a person to exact revenge from behind the safety of plausible excuses and to sit on the sofa all weekend long rather than complete a list of undesirable chores. So, what’s not to love? Truth be told, while momentarily satisfying or briefly convenient, in the long run, passive aggressive behaviour is even more destructive to interpersonal relationships than aggression. Over time, virtually all relationships with a person who is passive aggressive become confusing, destructive and dysfunctional."

Having the tools to handle negative situations within relationships when they occur is of paramount importance to a compulsive overeater - we tend to blindly eat over negative emotions and before we know it we are on the slippery slope to relapse. 

Maintaining our spiritual connection with our Higher Power and surrendering the need to fix or control the circumstance, will ensure that we don't fall into emotional binge eating or stuffing our faces due to the discomfort of resentment.

Always be mindful that there are smiling assassins in this world, trust your gut instinct if you find yourself in situations where you feel something is not quite right.   Being consciously aware will allow you to see the person's fractured mental health state and therefore help you to avoid being offended or falling into resentment yourself. 

Personal boundaries are essential in dealing with people with personality disorders, so avoid the toxic behaviours, remove yourself from situations whereby you could be a target for aggression and always maintain your dignity. 

Our recovery has to be number one over every scenario that life throws at us.  Dealing with people with personality disorders is commonplace and all we can do to maintain serenity and balance in our own lives is keep our side of the street clean, love ourselves first and not allow destructive psychological behaviour to interfere with our recovery path.