Back From The Brink

Over the years of yo yo dieting, weight loss, weight gain, food under control, food way out of control, my whole self worth and self esteem were linked to the success of my dieting endeavours.  

If I was losing weight, I felt worthy, I felt good about myself, I felt accepted by others. I felt happy!  

If I didn't lose weight, or ate something I deemed unacceptable, I felt a failure, gutted inside, panic stricken at the thought of that one bite of 'bad food' making me gain weight.  

Giving that much power to food is crazy.  Using food for any other reason than nutrition to my body and enjoying the social aspect of a meal with family or friends is crazy. Eating because I am sad, tired, feeling sick, excited, happy, or to reward myself for a job well done is insane! 

That is the insanity of a food addict's thought processes around food/weight/exercise.  It is such a tiring state of mind to live with.  To be constantly critiquing every morsel of food, every calorie, every bit of exercise you do or don't do.  To mentally rip yourself to shreds and treat yourself with such scathing self loathing because you failed yet again to reach your goal weight.   "I mean for God's sake, how old are you - you should know by now?? How hard can it be?? Just don't eat the food that triggers you, just follow a diet, it's not hard. Why are you so weak ??  You are pathetic, remember how good it felt when you lost weight before??"  On and on and on and on it goes.  Utterly soul destroying.  

Thankfully there can be recovery from such a debilitating condition as food addiction. 

I have been around recovery programmes off and on for many years, experiencing relapse and different levels of recovery, yet there was always something holding me back from fully surrendering to what recovery means for me. Hence this latest setback.

Recently facing myself with brutal self honesty meant that I simply could not hold back any longer. I had to surrender. I had to get real.   Life has a way of bringing you to the brink - and that's where I've been this last year, on the brink. It was excruciating.  It was terrifying and it was absolutely liberating. 

I'm grateful to share that with the support of my counsellor and ever deepening faith in my Higher Power, I am in a TOTALLY different mindset about myself and the disease of food addiction in me.

I am also very grateful for the foundation of the 12 step programme of recovery which I base my recovery on along with a deepening spiritual practice of meditation and yoga.  I had no idea how far I was from the centre and true essence of myself until I surrendered and trusted the process of getting to know and love the real Karen. 

I accept myself - warts and all.  You might have a problem with my weight or how I look. Today I don't.  Why would I not accept myself as I am at this point in time?  I celebrate who I am and think I look fabulous no matter what size I am. It makes me smile from the depths of me that I can say that today and mean it. 

Of course I will continue to be mindful of my health, my heart, back and hip which are sore, and yes I will do what is needed for my physical recovery. Just know that for each individual who has suffered with food addiction, the way in which you attain physical recovery will be unique to you.   You will know what food plan/exercise plan to follow because as you surrender, it will feel the most natural thing in the world for you to do. 

I hope today that you get to experience some relief from the insanity of food addiction and take one moment at a time to step in the right direction of recovery.   You really are worth it. 

A Litany of Love

   
Being able to be nice about myself was so difficult throughout my life as I always had the feeling that I was a bit of a failure and never quite good enough.  As a result I frequently adapted my opinions, words and behaviours around family/friends/colleagues for fear of being rejected, ridiculed or, god forbid, offending someone. I avoided being Karen. 

As a child and teenager the fear that drove my thoughts, emotions and opinions of myself was the most corrosive spiritual abuse I could have inflicted on myself.  Listening to 'that voice' made me feel ashamed of who I was and the truth is 'that voice' still echoed in my thinking and emotional responses as an adult.  

It has taken this last year for me to completely recognise the self loathing behaviours I was still exhibiting.  I was the one that was rejecting and ridiculing myself.  I wouldn't blame you for thinking how devastatingly sad that is, but in truth it is not at all devastatingly sad, it has been the best 'Ah Ha' moment of my life!  

They say the truth sets you free and for me, while I am still on a journey of healing, I can honestly say being brave enough to face the truth of my hidden self loathing has set me free enough to say I like Karen!  In fact, I love Karen!!! 

When you love someone there comes a joyful responsibility to ensure the person is treated well, cared for, protected, shown how important they are and made to feel good.  I had to learn to do that for myself even though it left me cringing and emotionally uncomfortable to do so.  

I learned to speak up about my needs.  I learned not to allow my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing to be compromised by anyone or anything. I learned to put myself first. I have a very good radar for when I am being manipulated, or when I am being treated in a passive aggressive manner.  When those things happen, I remove myself from the situation.  I no longer tolerate toxicity in my life. I deserve so much more!  

I choose to no longer worry about anyone else's opinion of me, what they think of my life philosophy, my spiritual belief system or the way I live my life, because this is my life to live, not theirs. I deserve to have love and respect for and from myself, as well as have the same shown to me by those who are a part of my life.  Do you know how good it is to speak that from the depths of my soul and not feel agitated that someone is going to get upset?  Self worth rocks!!!

I did this little exercise in one of my journals, a list of things I love about Karen - please note, before I get any 'OMG she's got tickets on herself' reactions to this list, it is an exercise in self love and care that I should have learned a lot earlier in my life: 

Karen's Litany of Love 

I love myself for all the good I bring to the world

I love myself for working so hard to be a better person

I love myself for all the gifts I bring 

I love myself for the things I have gotten right

I love myself for there is only one person in the world like me

I love myself for the courage and confidence it takes to do my inner work

I love myself for all the ways I take care of myself

I love my smile

I love my sense of humour

I love my body

I am proud of all that I have achieved to date

I accept myself unconditionally

My light shines in the darkest places

I am spiritual and proud of it

I am blessed

I am beautiful

I am classy

I am kind

I am loving

I am loveable

I am warm

I am giving

I am able

I am strong

Do you have a litany of love about yourself?  

As I said in yesterday's post,  everything happens for a reason and my journey to this point in my life has been about realising how perfectly okay I actually am!!  I hope that you too can get to this point and feel the relief it is to actually love and accept yourself in totality. 

Long Time No Post

Hey everyone -  long time no post!

It's been approximately 6 months since I've felt like sitting down at my computer to write and prior to my last post there was a fair gap in my writing too.  Hindsight makes me realise I should have paid attention to that little warning sign!

Anyhow, everything happens for a reason and I am back now to share my journey of the past year or so.  My reasons for not writing have been varied: time out to get real with myself, a year's worth of arranging my daughter's new home, roster of support workers, moving her into her own place and implementing her supported independent living, utter exhaustion, anxiety,  relapse and a whole lot of healing - which is still in progress. 

The good thing is in the past few weeks I've been aware of a positive shift - almost imperceptible - but a shift nonetheless. My energy levels are slowly rising - I no longer wake after 8 hours of sleep feeling exhausted and it feels so good!

Honesty on here is absolutely my best policy  so the best place to begin the story is to let you guys know the not so good stuff that's been going on:  I've had a rollicking relapse with my food, gained weight, body hurting, experienced the sadness of empty nest syndrome, questioning my life's purpose and massive awareness of how I mindlessly use food to cope with the tough parts of life - munching my way through the emotional messiness. 

One of my personality traits is a double edged sword; stubbornness.  It is both a saving grace and a major pitfall. Trying to control the minutia of my life inevitably led me to falling flat on my face in relapse.  Not surrendering absolutely to the process of recovery is dangerous and a recipe for disaster.  So here I am in this situation again and thankfully alive to tell the tale.  

I plan on starting to write again about the insights I have gained, the alternative ways of coping with stress and negative emotions and to show how this hardest of times has actually had so many positives outcomes: a time of personal growth, deepening spirituality and a genuine love for myself exactly as I am - spare tyres, extra poundage and all!

Thanks for reading - I will be posting again really soon. 

The Struggle is Real - The Solution is Real Too!

Over the last 9 months I have been struggling with my food addiction.  I can now see clearly what has happened and want to share this with you to prevent you falling down the same black hole of food addiction relapse. Hindsight really is a wonderful thing. 

It started with visitors in September, then again in October, which always plays havoc with food plans.  I then took over management of my daughter's disability funding which meant I had to employ my own carers and arrange a weekly schedule for her.  This was and still is a positive choice, but it came with a mountain of extra work - the extent of which I was not prepared for.  Next, I sold a house - all that admin, real estate stuff was ridiculous and before I knew it Christmas was upon me and you KNOW what that silly season is like!

After all the festivities it was time to purchase a place for my daughter which meant literally months of evening hours on the computer searching for the perfect home. Finally, in February that home was purchased (more real estate stuff!) 

Planning now was of the utmost importance as to what we needed to buy for her home set up, how we would work a 24 hour roster of care into her week and applying for more funding to help finance this massive undertaking.  My stress levels were through the roof.  

Apart from all the physical and mental input over this period of time, the emotional toll was enormous and spiritually .. well that came in the form of a couple of Gin and Tonics every evening, not my usual morning hour of meditation.  

I was totally ignoring my needs, my health, my emotions, my vital need for spiritual connection and any caring advice that came my way - after all I knew best what to do for my daughter and I love her so much and really all the thinking power behind all of this had to come from me because I am the one that knows her the best!!   You get the picture don't you? 

The insidious increase in my appetite was duly noted and promptly put to the back of my mind. I ignored the fact that I had fallen into addictive behaviours: the panacea of  'using' food to cope with life and all it had thrown at me was my deeply ingrained 'go to' response for coping.  

Do you see how cunning, baffling and powerful the addictive response is? Have you read my previous posts that said "I don't have another relapse in me" "if I go down this road again it will kill me" ?  All that head knowledge and .. so I thought.. heart knowledge did not stop me.  Sub consciously I knew what was happening, I was aware enough to know I had 'shelved' my inner guide and allowed my 'ego' to keep on doing what it needed to do because she knew best!!  A complete recipe for disaster. 

Today I am able to sit and write for the first time in months, I am able to see clearly the path I was heading down.  I have gained weight again, I have sore back and hips again, however, my darling daughter has moved out and I have - for the first time in 24 years - TIME.  Time and energy for myself.  Time to sit and meditate, read, reflect, get real, practice yoga, plan my exercise classes and give myself the love, nurture and spiritual sustenance that I cannot live without.  All those are the positive panaceas that I need to practice one day at a time until they become second nature and my natural "go to" response in recovery.

Forget Me Not

It's inevitable that at times life gets hectic with millions of things to do, places to be and people to see. We've got jobs, family, friends, housework, social engagements, work commitments, deadlines, study, exercise and a whole lot more to try to fit into a 24 hour period. Oftentimes in that cacophony we forget to take care of ourselves.    

In the interest of your serenity and sanity your absolute priority in life is to put yourself first. Connect with your spiritual self, consider your mental health and care for your physical health.  Take time out at the beginning of each day to connect and communicate with your Higher Self.  Ask "how do I feel today?" "How important is it?" "Do I need to do everything on my list right now?" 

In that space of connected, centred communion you will find the authentic answer to any questions you pose.  

In food addiction, when you don't listen to your intuition or lose sight of yourself things start slip sliding away. Busyness is the ego's/addiction's way of trying to derail your recovery efforts. Lack of consideration for yourself, your emotions and your needs is a food train wreck waiting to happen.  

To gain peace of mind, serenity of spirit and and an overall enjoyment of life, come up with a Forget-me-not list.  It will ensure your recovery remains on solid ground with an unshakeable foundation.  

My Forget-me-not List:

Meditation

Reading

Writing

Time out alone 

Self-growth/awareness

Counselling

Exercise

Clean eating

Helping others

 Don't forget yourself today, you are worth every bit of effort you put into yourself.  You deserve to live a beautiful life free from the ravages of food addiction.  Surrender to each moment, silencing the ego/addiction's attempts to make you forget yourself.