Long Time No Post

Hey everyone -  long time no post!

It's been approximately 6 months since I've felt like sitting down at my computer to write and prior to my last post there was a fair gap in my writing too.  Hindsight makes me realise I should have paid attention to that little warning sign!

Anyhow, everything happens for a reason and I am back now to share my journey of the past year or so.  My reasons for not writing have been varied: time out to get real with myself, a year's worth of arranging my daughter's new home, roster of support workers, moving her into her own place and implementing her supported independent living, utter exhaustion, anxiety,  relapse and a whole lot of healing - which is still in progress. 

The good thing is in the past few weeks I've been aware of a positive shift - almost imperceptible - but a shift nonetheless. My energy levels are slowly rising - I no longer wake after 8 hours of sleep feeling exhausted and it feels so good!

Honesty on here is absolutely my best policy  so the best place to begin the story is to let you guys know the not so good stuff that's been going on:  I've had a rollicking relapse with my food, gained weight, body hurting, experienced the sadness of empty nest syndrome, questioning my life's purpose and massive awareness of how I mindlessly use food to cope with the tough parts of life - munching my way through the emotional messiness. 

One of my personality traits is a double edged sword; stubbornness.  It is both a saving grace and a major pitfall. Trying to control the minutia of my life inevitably led me to falling flat on my face in relapse.  Not surrendering absolutely to the process of recovery is dangerous and a recipe for disaster.  So here I am in this situation again and thankfully alive to tell the tale.  

I plan on starting to write again about the insights I have gained, the alternative ways of coping with stress and negative emotions and to show how this hardest of times has actually had so many positives outcomes: a time of personal growth, deepening spirituality and a genuine love for myself exactly as I am - spare tyres, extra poundage and all!

Thanks for reading - I will be posting again really soon. 

The Struggle is Real - The Solution is Real Too!

Over the last 9 months I have been struggling with my food addiction.  I can now see clearly what has happened and want to share this with you to prevent you falling down the same black hole of food addiction relapse. Hindsight really is a wonderful thing. 

It started with visitors in September, then again in October, which always plays havoc with food plans.  I then took over management of my daughter's disability funding which meant I had to employ my own carers and arrange a weekly schedule for her.  This was and still is a positive choice, but it came with a mountain of extra work - the extent of which I was not prepared for.  Next, I sold a house - all that admin, real estate stuff was ridiculous and before I knew it Christmas was upon me and you KNOW what that silly season is like!

After all the festivities it was time to purchase a place for my daughter which meant literally months of evening hours on the computer searching for the perfect home. Finally, in February that home was purchased (more real estate stuff!) 

Planning now was of the utmost importance as to what we needed to buy for her home set up, how we would work a 24 hour roster of care into her week and applying for more funding to help finance this massive undertaking.  My stress levels were through the roof.  

Apart from all the physical and mental input over this period of time, the emotional toll was enormous and spiritually .. well that came in the form of a couple of Gin and Tonics every evening, not my usual morning hour of meditation.  

I was totally ignoring my needs, my health, my emotions, my vital need for spiritual connection and any caring advice that came my way - after all I knew best what to do for my daughter and I love her so much and really all the thinking power behind all of this had to come from me because I am the one that knows her the best!!   You get the picture don't you? 

The insidious increase in my appetite was duly noted and promptly put to the back of my mind. I ignored the fact that I had fallen into addictive behaviours: the panacea of  'using' food to cope with life and all it had thrown at me was my deeply ingrained 'go to' response for coping.  

Do you see how cunning, baffling and powerful the addictive response is? Have you read my previous posts that said "I don't have another relapse in me" "if I go down this road again it will kill me" ?  All that head knowledge and .. so I thought.. heart knowledge did not stop me.  Sub consciously I knew what was happening, I was aware enough to know I had 'shelved' my inner guide and allowed my 'ego' to keep on doing what it needed to do because she knew best!!  A complete recipe for disaster. 

Today I am able to sit and write for the first time in months, I am able to see clearly the path I was heading down.  I have gained weight again, I have sore back and hips again, however, my darling daughter has moved out and I have - for the first time in 24 years - TIME.  Time and energy for myself.  Time to sit and meditate, read, reflect, get real, practice yoga, plan my exercise classes and give myself the love, nurture and spiritual sustenance that I cannot live without.  All those are the positive panaceas that I need to practice one day at a time until they become second nature and my natural "go to" response in recovery.

Forget Me Not

It's inevitable that at times life gets hectic with millions of things to do, places to be and people to see. We've got jobs, family, friends, housework, social engagements, work commitments, deadlines, study, exercise and a whole lot more to try to fit into a 24 hour period. Oftentimes in that cacophony we forget to take care of ourselves.    

In the interest of your serenity and sanity your absolute priority in life is to put yourself first. Connect with your spiritual self, consider your mental health and care for your physical health.  Take time out at the beginning of each day to connect and communicate with your Higher Self.  Ask "how do I feel today?" "How important is it?" "Do I need to do everything on my list right now?" 

In that space of connected, centred communion you will find the authentic answer to any questions you pose.  

In food addiction, when you don't listen to your intuition or lose sight of yourself things start slip sliding away. Busyness is the ego's/addiction's way of trying to derail your recovery efforts. Lack of consideration for yourself, your emotions and your needs is a food train wreck waiting to happen.  

To gain peace of mind, serenity of spirit and and an overall enjoyment of life, come up with a Forget-me-not list.  It will ensure your recovery remains on solid ground with an unshakeable foundation.  

My Forget-me-not List:

Meditation

Reading

Writing

Time out alone 

Self-growth/awareness

Counselling

Exercise

Clean eating

Helping others

 Don't forget yourself today, you are worth every bit of effort you put into yourself.  You deserve to live a beautiful life free from the ravages of food addiction.  Surrender to each moment, silencing the ego/addiction's attempts to make you forget yourself.  

Oh What A Year!!

Today I am guessing many of you will be like me - looking back over 2014, assessing whether it was successful or unsuccessful, good or bad, happy or sad.

I feel that my year was all of those things at one point or other and therefore overall it was a GOOD year!  I have wakened up to the realisation that experiencing the gamut of emotions and experiences that life brings is a blessing. 

When I struggle with my food addiction, it brings me to a place of recommitment, surrender and total acceptance that my disease of compulsion is not one that will ever go away, it is one that I will live with in recovery one day at a time for the rest of my life.  

When I go through emotional lows e.g. feeling disconnected, left out, unwanted, sad, lonely, separated, unloved.  I am eventually brought to a place of looking at myself squarely and asking if ANY of those stories my ego is telling me are the actual truth. The answer of course is no.  

When I feel that I can no longer carry on giving as a Carer, not because I don't want to, but because I am exhausted and physically/mentally/emotionally it is deeply draining,  I shake myself off, dust myself down, get up and do the next right thing - always amazed, when I look back, at where I get the strength from. 

When I feel as though I am being taken for granted, or my situation is misunderstood I have learned to voice my needs and speak my truth.  That way I won't fall into resentment which is the number one killer for any addict to get entrenched in. 

When I go through the hard times, it makes me realise how great the good times are.  

To put things in perspective is always helpful and this morning I compiled a list of my 2014 achievements and now give myself a great big HUG, a HIGH FIVE and a "YOU GO GIRL!" 

I feel very proud of all that I have achieved within my circumstances - especially because I care fully for Caragh on all levels of her life.  Managing to do what I have done while being a Carer is PHENOMENAL people .. truly PHENOMENAL.  Here goes with my list:

Created my beloved blog
Achieved weight loss
Pool exercise 3 x per week
Yoga practice 3 x per week 
Learned to voice my needs without fear
Learned to put myself first
Learned to listen to my body 
Learned to like my body
Learned to accept myself
Learned to respect my own needs 
Learned to set boundaries
Learned to say No and be absolutely fine with it
Daily Meditation and breath work
Spiritual growth
Spiritual/Emotional healing
Self awareness
Self growth
Planned and arranged for Caragh's more independent future
Interviewed and employed Carers for Caragh's Future
Commenced Shared Management of Caragh's funding
Sold one property
Buying another property
Researched community networks for Caragh to be involved in
Developed close friendships
Let go of toxic relationships
Surrounded myself with people who care
Laughed a LOT
Cried a LOT 
Socially had a BLAST as my friend and I made a vow to get out there socially and enjoy all life has to offer on that level.  
Holidayed in Bali and Margaret River 
Developed a website for Valued Lives
Edited all copy for the website
Wrote copy for the website 
Coordinated and planned a very successful inaugural Fundraising event for Valued Lives
Became a Valued Lives Board Member
Work for Valued Lives
Enrolled in study with the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors
A great Mum to my sons and daughter
A great friend to those nearest and dearest to me
A great help to those who need an ear to listen and counselling
Carried the message of recovery from compulsive addiction to those still suffering by way of this blog and sharing my ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) with those I meet and/or connect with. 

In all of the above achievements I feel a deep sense of love and gratitude.  I love all of it.. the good and the bad, which shows me just how much I have changed on many levels for the better in 2014.  I know that 2015 is going to be even better with more growth, love, health, weight loss for health reasons and spiritual awareness.  

2015 Bring It!!!!!!

Blog Therapy: Now In Session

One of the hardest things for me to do when my energy is low and my mood is down, is to voice my needs and tell the truth about how I am feeling.  It's not easy because people never like to hear the negative side of life.  They all want the happy side, the easy stuff, the fun stuff that Karen posts and the big laugh, big smile and "she'll be right mate" attitude. 

Well you know what, sometimes it just is not like that at all.  

I am not a whiner, or a moaner, or a victim to my circumstance, but I am human and I do not feel good every minute of every day of every month of every year.   Living a full life means I get to experience the good days and the sh** days.  

Right now I am having a not so good time of it - contrary to popular opinion on Facebook!!  I know why though. I am TIRED.  Yep, the dreaded T word and unfortunately one of the side effects of being sole carer of my DD is not only physical tiredness, but mental and emotional exhaustion.  It is getting towards the end of what has been a huge year for us on so many levels and I have not had a full break since I went to Bali back in July. I love Bali, I am grateful to be able to go and I am a very blessed woman in very many ways, but nine days off every 6 months doesn't cut it anymore. 

I am also tired of not speaking the truth of my feelings.  I am so over caring about whether people think I am feeling sorry for myself, or if they think I am wallowing in self pity. 

Believe me I am not.  I am OWNING this and ACKNOWLEDGING ME.  

As all people who care for a vulnerable person know, it is not our privilege to put ourselves first, care for ourselves first, do solely what we want. Everything a carer does revolves around the person in need.  

My day starts at 7 a.m. when I wake up and lie in my bed asking my higher power to give me the energy to get through the day.  Everything is groundhog day routine because it has to be.  

Get up,  get DD's breakfast prepared, get her lunch pack prepared, waken her up gently as she is not a morning person, cajole her out of bed, put on the big smile and say "GOOD MORNING GORGEOUS.. GUESS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO TODAY???" Kiss her, cuddle her, have a conversation about her day and make her smile before her feet even hit the floor.  

Then I turn on the TV to a channel that she likes as it keeps her in a good mood.  Next, I settle her into where she has breakfast, then go to to prepare her bedroom and look out her her clothes for the Carers who come to dress her in the morning.  I love these Carers and am eternally grateful for the amazing job they do, but believe me having someone come to your house at 8 a.m. in the morning every weekday means the happy smiley face has to be on and that too is tiring.  

Once the Carers are here, Caragh goes with them to the bathroom and then her bedroom. I at that stage pack her lunch bag, get her monies ready for the day and am listening out the whole time;  Caragh can be moody, excitable, over-tired, feeling sick, upset, or worried about change and all this can affect her attitude towards the people helping her.  So of course I cannot switch off.  

That caring moment over and done with, Caragh wants to sit next to me, or follow me around while I am trying to get my own breakfast prepared.  I try to time it that I either manage to have my breakfast before the next Carer arrives to take Caragh out, or if that is not going to work, to wait until they are all gone and then sit down to have my breakfast in peace. 

While eating,  I ponder all the things I want to do: study, clean the house, do the laundry, Christmas shopping, yoga, swimming, meet friends, physiotherapy, meditation - you name it I have loads of things I want to do and more often than not at this time of year I just end up sitting feeling like stunned mullet and it is imperative that I be extremely mindful of my exhaustion levels as it could trigger an atrial fibrillation event, which for obvious reasons I don't want to happen again! My mind instead of focusing on me and my needs inevitably wanders onto all the things I need to do for Caragh: searching the real estate pages for the house we are going to buy for her, interview more carers to join the team, think about the person who will eventually live with Caragh in her own home and what the job description and role will entail, research what social / community activities we can enrol Caragh in.... and the list goes on ad infinitum with all my wants and needs flying out the window. 

Don't get me wrong, I push myself to do as much as I physically and emotionally can.  I make sure I get to yoga as it saves me from ending up in a wheelchair I am sure!  I socialise with friends on the weekend and try to get out and about as much as possible, but that takes planning and money!!  I have to ring around and try to get people to sit with Caragh, sometimes going through a list of carers, hoping to finally find someone who will help me out.  All I can say is thank GOD for the funding I was given to help pay for these beautiful people that help me get a break.  

While I know next year a lot of this will be much easier, I also know that as a Mother, there will be no switching off from this situation.  

When Caragh comes home from her day out, she needs a rest, then of course the whole evening/night time routine kicks in, dinner, bathing, bed and dealing with a tired girl.  Sleep time is normally around 9.30-10.00 p.m. Then I clean up, with all good intentions when I'm done,  to read, write, wrap pressies, study some more, but it's 10.15 p.m. and yes you've guessed it.. I am exhausted. 

This happens every day of the year without fail. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my angel daughter. I am grateful for my home, my boys, my friends.  I am grateful for the financial support I get from Caragh's dad and by way of funding.  I am truly thankful for all the support I get from Caragh's crew.  If I didn't have all of the above I would be 6 feet under or locked up somewhere by now!! The thing is, even with ALL that support, caring for someone day in day out, before you can care for yourself is truly and deeply exhausting. However, my child needs me - what else am I going to do?   I love her. 

I had to write this tonight because I am feeling it. I am voicing the not so nice stuff. Tomorrow I will get up and do it all again and probably won't be feeling so fed up and things might not be so overwhelming.  Who knows.  All I know is this is how it is right now.    

Beware!!! Projection is Poisonous

A classic active addiction behaviour and one of the most damaging, soul destroying deeds you can expose yourself to is Projection.  

"Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others.  e.g.  a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude." 

When you add that nasty affliction to the mix of dysfunction and denial that goes on in active addiction, the result is an extremely unhappy, neurotic person blaming everyone else for their problems, their perception and their behaviour. 

I have to admit that in the past I had dallied down the path of projection, especially when things were very messy in my marriage many years ago.  I was expert at pointing the finger of blame because I was unhappy with me.  At the time I had no idea just how much I was in denial of my sad emotional state. Many of the things I feared and hated in 'him', were actually a reflection of things I feared and hated in myself. In stating that, I am not for a second taking all the blame for the bad stuff, after all it takes two to tango - but I am saying that after years of self reflection and looking myself straight in the eye, it was get time to get honest or die. Own my own stuff or suffer. 

Getting real with yourself takes a lot of work, a lot of support and a mountain of courage. Having to let go of the less than true stories that I'd created in my head about what this or that person was doing to get to me, or what he/she was saying behind my back, talking nastily about me, or having to own up to the times I was embracing being a victim because it was easier than standing up and being a warrior, was not easy. 

Waking up to the realisation that my happiness was my responsibility and that I actually did have the power to choose how I looked at the world and everyone in it, has been one of the most life giving gifts I have given myself. No, I do not always succeed, but I now have a point of reference with which to gauge my thought processes in any situation.  I now have the skills to bring myself back to the truth.  

Searching through the darkness to find the light is a murky, yet magnificent road - a journey I'd personally recommend for your recovery, peace of mind and serenity of spirit. While it's tough, it really is worth it.