An Unmanageable Life

Grappling with the concept that my life had become unmanageable due to food addiction did not sit easily with me.  It was an insult to the superwoman I saw myself as. After all, I am a Mother who, between the ages of 21-26, gave birth to four children. My youngest child has special needs. I worked part-time and full-time at different points throughout the years of child rearing. I kept house, cooked, cleaned, exercised, socialised and helped others.  In fact I was a very very busy lady, so how on earth could my life be unmanageable? How dare anyone try to tell me I don't know how to manage my life. I am Mrs Super-organiser extraordinaire!

It took a huge amount of humility and deep self reflection to understand that an unmanageable life comes in a myriad of forms and that at the height of my active disease my life most definitely was off the scale with unmanageability. 

My unmanageability was plain for all to see. In the way it was displayed on my physique. In the size of the portions I would consume. In the way I used to hide food and eat when nobody was around. In the reasons I ate: to soothe pain; to celebrate; to commiserate; to calm anxiety; to cope with stress; in eating when I didn't want to.  I continued to compulsively eat when I knew my body size was beginning to harm me. In fact, I now realise I ate to ignore the truth of my emotional dysfunction at that time. 

Insanely, I also believed that I could easily lose weight if I just put my mind to it. I bought every diet book in the world (ok a slight exaggeration, but close enough). I tried every form of exercise.  I had a crushingly low self-esteem that I hid from everyone by being gregarious, outgoing and seemingly full of life, love and laughter (I think I deserve an Oscar actually), only to get behind closed doors and fall into the black hole of my physically, emotionally and spiritually sick self. I suffered panic attacks from the age of 7 until 27 and ate my way through that whole time to cope with the torturous terror I was feeling. I had body dysmorphia - when I was thin/normal weight I thought I was fat, when I was morbidly obese I thought I was curvy!!  I had no concept of what I actually looked like.  

For those who lived in recovery from food addiction,  the insanity of my situation was crystal clear and in order for me to survive it was of utmost importance that I began to see with the same level of clarity.  

Today I can look back with gratitude for the turmoil I experienced.  It has made me who I am today and enables me to know without a shadow of a doubt what it feels like for people that are still suffering with active food addiction. 

There are not enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I am for the recovered people in my life who extended the hand of help and friendship to me. No judgement, sneering, or put downs, only a complete understanding of how addiction was affecting my life and an offer of a better way of life with loving guidance towards the healing of that black hole in my soul.  

Choosing recovery is the most courageous and positive life changing decision I have ever made. It is also the hardest work I have ever carried out, but the benefits far outweigh one second in active compulsive eating.  Emotions are healed, spirituality is deepened, self development and awareness is a daily practice and the icing on the cake (pardon the pun) is that my physical self is now experiencing wellness and healing.  

There is no greater gift you can give yourself than allowing your recovery program to guide your life into balance and alignment for your highest good. 

Take an honest look at where your life is and decide to make the change today.  Manageability in recovery ROCKS!!! 

What's Going On???

Unlike alcoholism, drug addiction, or any of the other addictions, a food addict cannot put the substance down.  We have to eat to live, to nourish our bodies and keep healthy. It is one of the greatest challenges to continued abstinence in the recovery of food addiction; there is always the temptation to slip into not so good eating behaviours and patterns. 

One of the ways I deal with a slip is to immediately ask myself questions - what's going on Karen? What are you not paying attention to emotionally? Who are you angry with? Are you feeling stressed or anxious? Are you tired? Are you hormonal? Inevitably there will be an answer to one or more of those self posed questions.  

A slip is not relapse. A slip is going off food plan for one of your meals without planning to. A slip is finding yourself in a negative addictive thinking pattern.  A slip is buying something from the supermarket in a compulsive manner that you had not intended to buy. A slip is sitting down to eat something sweet after you've had your quota of food for the day.  A slip is eating because you are in a bad mood. A slip is when you are completely aware that you have just had a blot on the landscape of your recovery program, yet immediately get back on track. 

Relapse on the other hand is slipping, crucifying yourself for not being perfect or being able to commit 100 percent, then giving up being willing to get better and again living in active compulsion without trying to get back on track. Relapse is allowing addictive thinking to criticise you into full blown compulsive overeating in order to numb the disappointment and despair you feel at failing. 

Please remember this:  NOBODY IS PERFECT!  Slips do occur but will become less and less of an issue when you become more and more aware of your emotions and when you work your program of recovery one moment at a time. 

Are you going to give up a life of peace, serenity and abstinence from addictive eating and thinking just because you ate a candy bar that was not on your food plan? 

Hopefully you are at a stage in your recovery journey where brief moments of addiction breakthrough are immediately brought under control by admitting your slip, surrendering your thoughts and actions to your Higher Power and with a click of your fingers, you're right back on track to an abstinent life of freedom from obsession and self hate.  

Do yourself a favour, compile a list of questions ready to ask when you find yourself slipping - this will ensure your recovery comes first and you are safe from sliding down that slippery slope of compulsive overeating into full blown relapse.

Acceptance is the Key

One of the hardest battles I had in accepting I was a food addict was uttering those words. Food Addict. 

My pride was entirely embarrassed by those two words. My ego was screaming at me 'what a load of rubbish, you just need to get your head around following a food plan and exercise like a lunatic.  It is not hard to do.'  

Well, the truth of the matter is,  it's not hard to do , it's IMPOSSIBLE to do when in relapse, or in active compulsive overeating.  

I tried to avoid accepting the truth of the matter for close to half a century!! That alone should tell you the power of this disease. I fought tooth and nail to justify my compulsive food choices, with my ego kicking and screaming every step of the way on my journey. Sure I'd had many times of recovery, growth and learning, but not once had I surrendered absolutely and not once had I fully accepted the fact that I actually suffered from an addiction. 

Increasing insanity and disease ran rampant in my life as I refused to listen to the truth.  I blocked any attempts to uncover that one spot within that was stopping me from surrendering.  Then as the saying goes, '*ish got REAL'.  

I had all the head knowledge in the world about AA and OA. I knew this disease was threefold: a physical affliction with an emotional sickness and spiritual malady.  I had been trying to deal with the physical side of my addiction for what felt like an eternity.  I had sought help emotionally in the form of counsellors to see if they could help me with my food issues and spiritually I had attempted to seek the truth.  However, there always came that point where I put the brakes on, when things got too close to the bone, throwing the work I needed to do in the 'too hard to handle' basket.  That attitude is what kept the disease of addiction active in me all these years. 

Emotional and physical pain are excellent teachers; they absolutely drove me to my knees, to that point of surrender and complete acceptance of the reality of my food addiction. 

It was such a relief!!

Below is a quote from page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It is one of my favourite quotes and I have changed a couple of words so it reads 'food addict' instead of alcoholic and 'abstinent' instead of sober. 

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my food addiction, I could not stay abstinent. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

Accepting myself and the fact that I suffer from the disease of food addiction without shame or fear has literally saved my life.  The disease of food addiction is a killer disease.  If I had accepted the reality of my situation earlier in my life I could have experienced peace of mind and freedom from obsession years ago. 

 

Choose surrender and acceptance earlier rather than later and save yourself a world of pain.  

Life Gets Busy but Recovery Comes First

Life gets busy.  We all have people to see, places to go and things to do.  However, regardless of how hectic my life gets, I must remain aware and vigilant regarding my recovery.

I have had a pretty full on time of it since Easter, a fair few social engagements, my oldest son's 30th birthday and of course Mother's Day.  All of these events entailed, eating, drinking and being merry - and I enjoyed every single moment.
  

Throughout the celebrations I became aware that I was falling into some bad habits.  Behaviours that could lead me into a full blown relapse is I was not careful:  

• I over indulged at  some of these get togethers and cut back drastically the next day 
• I added in extra exercise to balance out the excess
• I started to slip into cutting back on some of my healthy calories just so I could have that food/drink I was now beginning to obsess about
• I was not meditating as often because I was too busy, getting up later and racing on into my day without taking the time to centre myself and focus on the present moment

Thankfully I am hyper aware of what my disease is capable of.  I am a Food Addict.  That addictive part of my personality is only ever reprieved on a daily basis contingent upon my spiritual and mental health - as well as rigorous honesty - so I got my proverbial into gear and started giving myself the daily love and attention I need and deserve.

The smallest things can throw an addict off their recovery track. It is why we need to practice honesty in all our affairs.  It is why we need to let go of any fear of what another person thinks of us.  It is why we need to admit we are powerless over the addiction we suffer from and surrender to the will of our higher power, whatever that may be. 

I am entirely grateful for little wake up call moments like these. They keep me humble and teachable. When people say to me, 'oh Karen you are doing so well!' it is very easy for me to get a puffed up sense of myself and think.. yep I am doing great - but then I remember the number of relapses I have survived, the physical hell I put my body through, the emotional torture of being in the active disease of compulsive overeating and the overwhelming feeling of just not knowing why I can't kick this food thing like regular people.  

The reason for being stuck for years in the yo-yo relapse state was because I really did not want to think of myself as an addict.  I didn't want to be that weak willed person.  I didn't want people to judge me as damaged goods.  I was my own harshest critic.  I hated that I was so pathetic!!  All that pride and all that ego talk nearly killed me. 

Today I am grateful to be who I am.  I am happy with myself.  I love me. I am a strong, courageous woman who is free of the fear of what anyone thinks of me.  I am blessed to be a food addict in recovery because I have a depth of self awareness, a strong desire to continue to learn and grow - and I have a deep empathy for those in the world who are still suffering this horrific disease. Someone who is slowly dying in a physical jail with 600 pounds of body fat is my potential future if I do not practice the principals of recovery from addiction. There but for the grace of God go I. 

No matter how busy life gets I commit to practicing the following:

• I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong, promptly admit it. 

• I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding.  Praying only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out.                                                                                                       
• Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of practicing my recovery journey, I share my story with those still suffering from this disease of food addiction in the hope that it will help them and I continue to practice recovery in my whole life on a daily basis. 

Remember:  Life gets busy but recovery comes first!

A Recipe For Success

I was telling a friend about how things are going with me right now and listed the four things I am doing today that are undoubtedly a recipe for success in my recovery.

Daily Meditation:

Maintaining conscious contact with my higher power allows me to connect with the 'real' me.  In spending as little as 10 mins of mindful breathing and mediation, I quiet my mind in order to hear the truth of how I am running today. 

Not creating the space for that connection is dangerous for me as a food addict.  I have an egoic mind that is never quiet, is always on high alert, is always trying to protect/soothe me with food, is always ready to manipulate, in some way shape or form, a way in which I can 'eat what I want'.  

Being centred and in a space of listening makes me teachable and warns of any potholes that could happen in my day to upset my recovery applecart.  Also, being quiet allows me to to be fully aware of how wonderful recovery is and how far I have come physically, emotionally and spiritually today.  

I love being in that quiet space.  I love the feeling of 'everything is okay' that comes just by spending a bit of time with myself. Try it, you will find that you really enjoy your own company and that you actually really do love yourself enough to want what is right for your highest good. 

Finally, solitude and mindfulness allows me to be truly grateful for all the goodness in my life. 

Full Surrender:

There is this little prayer in AA called the third step prayer which I adapted for myself and it is my prayer of surrender each day.

I turn my life and my will, my thoughts and my actions, my food and my eating and my food choices over to your care and direction. Relieve me of the compulsion to overeat, take from me the desire for trigger foods, guide me in my portion sizes and help me to know when I am full. Be with me today.

I know how easy it is to fall back into trying to control everything around my eating and exercise, therefore I make a conscious choice to see food solely as the nutrition my body needs to live and function. Surrendering the obsessive way of thinking about food and removing the power charge it had over me through letting go absolutely, is truly freedom. 

Sensible Food Plan:

Food plans in food addiction recovery can cause a lot of angst.  Many people think certain food types need to be completely cut out.  However, I have tried EVERY food plan on the planet: cut foods out, added them in, had them in small amounts, had them in large amounts -  you name it I've done it.  The only thing that works for me is to surrender what I eat at each meal and ensure that my food is sensible, nutritionally balanced and enjoyable. 

As a very wise friend of mine once said any diet or food plan will work if you work it.  The same goes for recovery, it only works if you work it. You will know if your food plan is truly an abstinent one, because - as I have experienced - if it is not, sooner or later relapse will happen.  

Sane Exercising: 

I used to go to the gym 6 days a week: 30 minutes interval training on the cross trainer, 45 minutes of personal training sessions, hour long spin classes, weight lifting, viper work outs, push ups, pull ups, lunges, squats, and then cool downs and stretches.  I absolutely LOVED the gym.  But as is seen in all people with eating disorders, I became totally exercise obsessed.  I used my exercise as a way to eat and drink what I wanted.  Instead of treating my body with the respect it needed at my age, I punished it.  I worked out like that when I was at my heaviest and as a result injured my back, aggravated my hip and my heart! Now I need to put my gym work on hold until I heal.  I have to work on Plan B. My higher power certainly knew how to make me listen this time!  

Today I go to the pool 4-5 times a week and jog for 30 minutes in a 25 metre walking lane.  Then, for 15 minutes I do stretches, lunges and squats in the water.  When I am jogging I am constantly saying thank you for the healing properties of the water that I am receiving.  If I have a day where I feel tired - I don't go!  If I have a night out and am out for dinner which is not part of the plan (life happens) - I do not obsess about exercising just in case the calories of my night out meal were in excess of my food plan meal.  Sanity is doing everything in a balanced and mindful way and that is a must for me with my exercise. 

Method:

A good measure of each of these four ingredients will ensure a stable and lasting recovery for anyone that chooses to practice it.  The most wonderful thing is you don't need to do it alone - connecting with another recovered addict is how this journey to wellness works. 

I'd love to hear from anyone at any stage of their recovery route who can share their experience, strength and hope for the greater good of those who still suffer from active food addiction. 

Choose recovery today!