I am a Story that Needs to be Told

When feeling like I do right now, the worst thing for me to do is to keep everything inside. Some people I'm sure find my openness a challenge, but for me, to be my authentic self, I need to forget who others want me to be and be true to myself.  

I am a book that needs to be read, a story that needs to be told.  I write by way of healing, to get in touch with the truth at my core.  

It's empowering and frightening to put words down that could in essence be used to judge me by those so inclined, but this is Karen's way of healing mentally and physically, so judge away people!! 

I'm feeling pretty mentally tired at the moment,  not firing on all cylinders of energy since the Friday after Christmas when I came down with a horrible stomach thing - not quite back to my full sparkly self yet, but in fairness I do have a LOT of life going on right now:  

• Starting my Divorce process after many years of separation and all the changes that will bring, plus the challenge of standing up for myself and really looking after myself throughout that process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets for me and those around me.  

• Wanting my family unit to stay a family unit regardless of everything above.  It's my biggest fear that all of the above might negatively affect our family unit.  

• Caragh's NDIS funding Plan is up for review again.  Nothing with the NDIS is set in stone and so there could be change around the level of supports she receives which is stressful to think about. I am so grateful for the level of support I currently have as it lets me live a somewhat normal existence again.  I had my angel for 2 weeks over Christmas and by the time she left for her home on 5 January I was exhausted. Apart from all the usual carer stuff that happens, I realise I never switch off from her - even when not in the same room - I am always mentally switched on and listening in.
• Stress can tip me into negative patterns of eating, not exercising, numbing the stress with overindulgence and I worry about that.    
• My terrorist brain won't shut the F*** UP!!  Every single ache, pain, spot, palpitation  has me dead and buried! These random terror thoughts come at me from nowhere - that is truly exhausting in itself.

• I am finding myself crying out of the blue for no apparent reason; I could be driving and boom the tears happen, or sitting in my haven of a backyard and the floods start to flow - I let it happen when I am not around anyone, as I believe that is also my body's way of healing what I can't articulate. 

• I don't want to lose sight of me, my needs, my health and wellness, the things I want to do with my life.  

All this negative nancy stuff got me thinking too about who I am in all my Karen Glory, so here goes with that list: 

I am Karen Anne Cecilia 

I am Mum to three sons

I am Mum to a very special daughter 

I am Mother-in-Law to my sons' beautiful wives/partner

I am a Nanna to the most beautiful grandson and soon to be precious second grandchild when he/she arrives. 

I am a Big Sister

I am Auntie Karen

I am Loyal 

I am trustworthy 

I am honest

I am a great friend 

I am a loving person - I love people!

I have a great sense of humour

I am loud at times (noooooo!!!!)

I am intelligent

I am extremely intuitive 

I am spiritual 

I am kind 

I love sparkle and bling 

I love music 

I love to laugh 

I love a party 

I love to give to others 

I love solitude 

I love silence 
I love being near water 
I love trees
I love nature

I love my own time 

I love words and how they connect with others

I am diplomatic 

I care 

I struggle 

I am a control freak!

I am stubborn (at times)

I am a panic merchant

I suffer from anxiety 

I suffer from stress 

I have a temper when pushed and when I feel misunderstood or 'cornered' 

I battle with feeling isolated

When I read back over this list, I think.. she's not bad is she .... I want to get to know her, I could be her friend, I could love her, I could be there for her, I could look out for her.  She is strong.  She is brave.  She is loveable. She is deserving.  She is fully human...

....

This is why I write - answers come, my truth is uncovered, it takes 'me' out of 'my' way.   My story is my strength and needs to be told.   

I've Lost My Mojo

I’ve lost my Mojo. 

This past 10 months has been one of the strangest, saddest, emotionally complex times of my life - and believe me I have been emotionally complex all my life!    I endured anxiety from a young age and panic attacks that were extremely intense from the age of 7-27. The panic attacks thankfully stopped and a lot of counselling, CBT,  self-help/spiritual books, support groups and 12-step work brought a plethora of recovery my way.  

You all know from this blog that I have battled with food for many years - with periods of recovery and then relapse.  While food is a life-giving source for all of us, it is also my daily nemesis.  I have periods where I think/feel/believe I’ve got this addictive behaviour around food under some level of manageability and life feels hopeful, comfortable, peaceful and emotionally calm.  Then the insidious creep begins and I’m left wondering what preceded that slippery slope - thinking I don’t really get why it’s happening again and what on earth else can I do to make all of the above recovery work/therapy/self-help stick once and for all.  

The problem I’m facing today is that I am exhausted by the years of ‘trying’ - the ups and downs, the insanity of being back in the position of having gained weight and I have no Mojo to get started doing anything about it.  

The deep down quiet voice in me is saying - go to the gym, start your yoga again, track your food, cut down on the wine you’re drinking, walk every day.  Remember how good and positive your mind and body felt when you did that. 

Then the loud noisy voice speaks up saying, what’s the point ??! What’s the point when you always end up back at the beginning, having to start over again. You don’t have the energy to do that. 

Do you know how hard it is to lose weight when your body is middle-aged, you’ve been a yo-yo/serial dieter forever, your metabolism is slower than a wet week in jail and your body gains 3 kgs overnight - even after sensible meal choices?  

I feel sooooo DONE; with trying, with every day thinking about what I should and shouldn’t eat, with crucifying myself, with feeling ashamed that all the work people have put into helping me get well has been undone again - and yes I realise that’s my ego keeping me stuck - yes I know every diet/exercise plan out there, but today I have no desire or energy to go down this recovery road yet again. 

Is it my overactive brain trying to keep me from feeling my feelings? Am I using food for comfort and security again ? Or, am I just plain giving up and accepting that I am a person who can’t keep weight off and this is who I am? Love myself this way regardless of the fact I feel uncomfortable and have sore joints and am putting my heart health at risk?? I mean I am an intelligent woman - I know the risks of early death due to overeating and lack of exercise.  What am I doing to myself?

Life happenings of the last 10 months have been hard.  Mum passing away suddenly rocked my world in a way I would never have expected.  Life at home is going to change - that stage of downsizing and sorting out finances and living arrangements has now come and of course there’s also the constant  working/thinking/planning for my darling daughter who needs never-ending support and care to live in this world.  Life is life - we all have one with ‘stuff’ in it.  Do I need to overeat/sabotage my physical/mental health because of it, or am I just tired of trying ?? 

I don’t know what the outcome of any of this is going to be. I feel that I’m possibly in mindless self-sabotage mode and don’t care due to lack of mental energy to deal with it.  

The positives in my life are many; my family, friends, work, dog and the list goes on - I have a lot to be thankful for and I am grateful ...  I do not feel unhappy or sad all the time but moments like this morning come out of the blue ... sitting listening to the radio, musing on last night’s Proclaimers' concert and the tears came, then these words came - at least I honoured the call to write it all down and share.  I know this in itself is a positive step.  

Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.  

Discovering More in Recovery

I've been a bit quiet on my beloved blog this past couple of weeks, not because I don't want to write, or because I have nothing to say, but because I am reflecting deeply on certain aspects of my journey.

I'm constantly learning on this incredible road and some of the 'stuff' that I am being taught is not particularly easy to digest; hence the reason I have taken time out to absorb what is going on around me. 

One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is to put myself first, to stand up for myself and what I believe in - and to feel okay about doing just that.  

In the past, part of my disease made me a people pleaser.  I would say yes when I meant no, I would put up with passive aggressive behaviour from people, making excuses for them and why they were treating me in a negative manner.  I used to get super anxious if I had to speak up for what was right as it might make someone dislike me! (can you believe that about me!  I love seeing how far I've come)  

I know I didn't come across as that 'scaredy cat' in my life, but there was a part of me that found all of the right behaviours around valuing myself very difficult to carry out. 

All that's been happening lately is the last bastions of ego/fear around those types of issues are rising in my consciousness, presenting themselves in such a way that I am being challenged to deal with them: decisions I have to make for my own highest good in life, health and relationships - with no fear of what another thinks and without falling into compulsive overeating to cope. 

In being true to myself, changes have certainly occurred: in the way I am eating today, the choices I make around food have undoubtedly changed for the all round betterment of my health;  in my social life, the best behaviours regarding eating out and alcohol consumption have and are changing massively i.e. overindulging in any way, shape or form is entirely detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual growth; in the way I am having to reassess my old compulsive exercise patterns - accepting I have to follow exercise plan B takes a lot for me because I was an absolute gym junkie - learning to exercise for my age and my circumstance has been a huge pill to swallow;  in my relationships and friendships changes have also occurred for my highest good; if a friendship/relationship is not authentic and truly beneficial for me in an emotional/spiritual way, I find they naturally fall away or the dynamics change, or I just take a step back for my own good.  All peaceful and drama free ways of being true to myself. 

Discovering more about myself, my emotions, deepening my spirituality and being committed to change in order to continue to grow and better myself, are all byproducts of surrendering my life and will to the care of my Higher Power in my recovery journey.  

It is a wonderful, challenging, tiring at times, exciting road to be on - even after all these years. I choose today to be on my journey 110 percent, doing all that is asked of me.  There is a great saying in AA that one bad day in recovery is far better than any good day in active addiction.   I can attest to that this day - as challenging and mucky as some of the recovery journey can get, I would far rather go through that than continuously be in the situation of compulsively overeating myself into an early grave.  

Choose to discover your truth. Live in recovery today. It's definitely a life worth living one day at a time.    

Maybe it's Time

I went to see the movie A Star is Born a couple of weeks ago and since then have listened to the soundtrack on many occasions - it's just brilliant!  One track in particular that I keep listening to and which resonates deeply with me is 
'Maybe it's Time.' 

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change a man

Hell, it takes a lot to try

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

Some folks just believe in the things they've heard

And the things they read

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from

I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good

But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here

You know I would, you know I would

Nobody speaks to God these days

Nobody speaks to God these days

I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways

Nobody speaks to God these days

When I was a child they tried to fool me

Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real

Well, I've seen hell in Reno

And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel

Spinnin' still

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change your plans

Hella drain to change your mind

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Oh, maybe it's time to let the old ways die

The whole song, for me,  depicts the emotional, mental and physical journey of an addict.  No matter what that addiction is, there is always an internal quandary going on, questioning whether letting go of the old to make way for the new is going to help. 

Addiction will always want the upper hand, to gain control, so when it senses you're at the point of total surrender, it will up the quandary ante until you end up going over things in your head ad infinitum, not knowing where to start.   

In the throes of addiction, a relapsed state, or coming out of that relapsed state,  there is a lot of fear involved, a lot of shame, a lot of questioning everything you've ever read or been told with regard to your situation and, personally,  because I know all there is to know about diet/exercise/nutrition/health/12step programs/what I should and should not eat/what way of eating works best and what does not,  it has led me to a point of .. what does it matter what I need to learn now, whatever it is I have to surrender - again - to an even deeper level.  

Addiction is an insidious demon that will only be quieted one moment at a time while in a state of awareness. When something/someone is described as Insidious it means they/it is "working or spreading harm in a subtle or stealthy manner; awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous; harmful but enticing.  Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent."   Webster Dictionary.  

There is no better description of the manner in which addiction works than this definition. 

Addiction is extremely patient and hoodwinks us into thinking we are in recovery, that we can manage our addiction, or we can just have that one bite/drink/drug.  We are fooled into thinking because we can control our eating/drinking/drug taking to some level and our lives are not falling down around us that somehow we are in control - not addicts. 

This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It is not a respecter of intelligence, status in the community or religious/spiritual background.  It is a destroyer of lives, families and communities and there are many levels .. just because you are not the homeless drunk on the streets, 700 pounds overweight with a failing heart, or continuing to work while using drugs, does not mean that you are not an addict.  It just means you have not got to that low point YET.  It will happen at some stage (remember how patient Addiction is) unless there is a total surrender to a power greater than yourself - whatever that power may be.  

I've been brought to the stage of truly wanting to let the old ways die; to stop the obsessive thinking and surrender, to do the next right thing for myself and my recovery without any expectations as to what that will look like.  I hope too for my fellow sufferers of addiction of any kind and at any level, that you too can be brought to the point of surrender which lets the old ways die, where you strike up a conversation with 'God' and try to live one moment at a time, free from the insidious disease of addiction.     

Remember - It's Nothing to do With You

I'd like to share a short snippet from this book  that I'm reading just now - it surely is giving me a lot of spiritual food for thought.

I love to read about and develop my spirituality.  I enjoy that side of life; take solace in the quiet moments, joy in the awe filled moments and can clearly see that there is more to this life than the physical and mental realm we live our lives in each day; there is SO much more than the mind/ego that we all have in spades. 

Having a concept of the otherworldly aspect of our existence can at times leave you open to ridicule and disrespect from those who do not think or feel the same as you do.

Being on the receiving end of this type of reaction a few times in my life,  I've had to ask myself:  what makes this person so afraid? What makes them so adamant  that the spiritual/religious/faithful side of my life is nonsense? Why do they feel the need to dissuade me from my truth with their opinions?

What you can be sure of is this type of behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is solely to do with the person's own perspective on life, their ego and their fear.  There is absolutely no need to take any of their opinions personally.

Remember, an opinion is not the truth. 

Allow others the right to be who they are, with their own beliefs and opinions and you will remain in a place of dignified serenity with peace of mind and spirit.

When The Going Gets Tough

The lyrics "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" can be taken two ways; either you get going and run from the tough situation, or you get going and work out what you can do to resolve the tough situation.

I find myself back here in a tough situation. 

I have also recently experienced the extremely tough situation of my mother passing away suddenly on the other side of the world.   That excruciatingly tough situation flung me into a grief pit where I had zero desire to do anything positive for myself.  To be totally honest the last year has seen me lose sight of my own self, with the slow slide into addictive behaviours around food, which has seen the slow creep of weight gain once again.

The total insanity of addiction is such a battle to deal with.  Nobody can truly understand what it feels like to be in this situation unless they too have this type of addiction.  I mean I can't put food down - I need to eat to live.  I thought the other day,  I wish I didn't have to eat at all.  I don't want food to be on my mind.  I don't want to have a body that literally can gain 3 kgs overnight.  I don't know if I have the energy to try again.  I don't know if trying again is going to make any difference.  How many years have I fought this war only to win and then lose again. It really is a soul crushing situation.

For the year prior to my hip surgery in Feb of 2017 I worked hard on my health, surrendering my food, practiced a lot of yoga and shed 30 kgs.    After my surgery I was on a high.. I was pain free, I had lost weight, was feeling good. I returned to work in the July, was blessed with a grandson in August (which meant a quick trip to UK), then my eldest son's wedding happened in the October with lots of family and friends from all over the world.  Next, it was Christmas and New Year, followed by planning for another trip to the UK this June for my nephew's wedding. After a beautiful 5 week trip I returned home only to have to turn around and go back to Scotland 4 weeks later because Mum died.  That was one hell of a year and throughout that hugely busy, life-filled time, I lost sight of me, my health, my eating, my exercise, my quiet time and my spiritual development.  I allowed everything and everyone else to come first and put myself on the back burner.  Big mistake!

I am an intelligent, motivated and capable woman.  I absolutely understand all the dangers involved in being overweight - especially in my middle age years. I know my joints don't need me to be carrying extra poundage - it HURTS!  I know it's not good for my heart - what pressure am I putting on the parts of my body that I cannot see or feel?   I know EVERY eating plan, EVERY calorie value of food, EVERY way of eating and exercise that can benefit me, yet here I am - starting over again.  What lesson do I need to learn?  How much therapy does one need to have in order to get to the root of the problem?  Believe me, I have been to many counsellors over the years and they have all been wonderful, helping me to heal from my tough life stuff.   In ALL of the above you would think that when I was successful in losing weight and surrendering that the recovery would stick. 

It didn't stick.

The reason it didn't stick is because I didn't stick to the simple steps it takes to maintain recovery. It is so easy when the going is good to forget the importance of continuing to do all that is needed to stay recovered; like forgetting to spend 10 minutes of quiet time when waking up, or doing the right thing by looking after myself  first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Right now I am just beginning to feel the motivation to do something positive returning.  Grief is a quagmire of emotions that are tough to deal with and trying to dig for that desire to find the motivation to do the right thing has not been easy.   I am being gentle on myself, praising any positive efforts I make for myself e.g. having my remedial massages again, planning to go back to a yoga session, arranging my acupuncture appointments again, writing, further developing my spirituality and surrendering my food.

The going got tough and I am about to get going;  working out what I can do to resolve this tough situation I find myself in again.   One thing you can be sure of - I won't ever give up trying, no matter how tough things get.

Losing Control

I've realised that not only am I a recovering food addict, but I am also a recovering control freak!!  

I don't know about you, but the thought of being out of control of anything in my life used to fill me with utter dread.

If my beds were not made properly, cushions not sitting nice and pretty on the couch, or when driving without a plan for my exact route, I would suffer intense anxiety, verging on panic or feel like a total failure. 

Back when all that anxiety neurosis was at its peak in my life, the only way I knew how to cope or get relief from all those negative emotions was to eat something sweet, which of course set the compulsive eating ball well and truly rolling... out of control!

It never ceases to amaze me that my craving for control was unable to help in my overeating.  Addiction in all its forms is extremely powerful and no amount of intelligence, thinking or planning ever stopped the progression of my compulsive overeating.  

The only thing that has EVER stopped that fatal progression was total surrender.  

Giving up all control.  Not trying. Only listening to those who walked the walk.  Getting totally and utterly honest with myself about all the ways in which I tried to control not having to surrender.  Not needing to know why?? all the time. Not hating myself.  Facing my fears and doing it anyway.  

The last 18 months of my journey have been all about that type of surrender.  Let me tell you it was pretty ugly at times, but it was needed to break through the stubborn, fear filled and addictive thinking that I was entrenched in. 

Please don't think for a minute I am anywhere close to being totally surrendered at all times, I think that only comes when we take our last breath, but today I am willing to do what needs to be done in this moment to remain in a state of recovery. 

It's such an oxymoron that we need to lose control to gain control, but truly that is exactly what happens.  When I no longer had the food/calorie/exercise gremlins fighting in my head trying to control everything,  my eating became balanced, my thinking around food normalised and I found a way of eating that worked for me.  

So, my fellow food addicts and control freaks, I hope this resonates with those of you who may be fighting the losing control battle with your food right now - do yourself a favour and surrender this fight - it will be the beginning of a healthier, happier future, free from active food addiction and the need to control the minutiae of your life.